Desperate Son,

Congratulations on taking steps forward in becoming peaceful and happy. Accepting our parents can be tough, as they often mirror qualities in ourselves that still trouble us. A couple of things can help remove the triggering effects from their suffering, so it doesn’t spread to you. (Like, judging them for judging. How ridiculous is that? Hehe)

Consider: you’re their son, and so the conditions are not good for you to teach them. Not only does the inner agitation prevent your heartfelt creativity from shining, but you’re also their kid, and are “supposed to” learn from them, not the other way around. 🙂 So, from a distance, during metta meditation or other loving kindness practice, you can wish and hope they overcome whatever fears and suffering that bind them into those habits.

Second, you can cultivate gratitude for them, for helping you see the many odd and confining ways judgment influence their connection to the world, so you don’t have to carry those same limitations. What a beautiful day! Then an object that inspires judgment comes before them. Suddenly, they’re missing out on all the beauty, stuck staring at, cycling with, and talking about something they dislike. How odd and limiting! But mainly, the key, it has nothing to do with you, is not yours. Give them a hug, or not. Walk away, or not. Whatever feels right.

Finally, consider taking a further step and working to not judge people even after you know their conscious reasons for acting. Buddha taught that everyone seeks happiness, but the methods they use to find happiness often do not align with nature, do not produce happiness. For me, sitting with, resting upon, and looking deeply at this insight helps me remove any lingering desire to waste my precious time with a gavel in my hand.

With warmth,
Matt

Dear mossyyogi:
The Inner Critic is the voice in us that says to us: “You are an less than others” for example. The Outer Critic is the voice in us that would say: “He/ she is less than me.” The Inner Critic and the Outer Critic are two faces of the same coin. I shifted from one to another throughout much of my life. When a person’s Outer Critic is employed, as in the case of your parents, it is helping them shift the critical voice from being directed against themselves to others, but there is no healing in doing that.

Understanding MORE about their motivation, unconscious as it is, MAY help you. It may help you feel empathy for them, knowing that when they reject inconsequential imperfections in others they are really rejecting their own imperfections.

As you heal and EVOLVE, there will be less and less people you will feel compatible with for closer relationships, including your parents. So the changing of the quality of your relationship with your parents is expected. There will be a shift over time, a different kind of appreciation, a different thinking adjustment.
anita