Accepting rejection

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    I am a 22 year old male. I recently met a girl and was immediately attracted towards her. As I got to know her, I developed a very strong affection. This ardent affection arose over the course of only 10 days. I expected nothing from her in the way of relationships and made absolutely no judgements, at least not consciously, about her character and why it was that I felt such a strong love. I did not make any attempts to rationalise my feelings nor did I suppress what I felt; I just accepted it. I hadn’t felt this intensely for a long time.

    I wanted to give her a gift, so I decided to write a poem and dedicate it to her. The poem expressed a desire for the ideal of selfless love. I think it was well written (you’ll have to take my word lol) but she misunderstood it and perceived it as very intense. It intimidated her so much that she ended all contact with me, telling me that it was strange and that we are not on the same wavelength.

    I am not mad at her. Even though my hurt ego would like to lambaste her character, I am no longer someone who readily passes judgements on the motives and actions of another. But I cannot seem to get over it. The first thought when I wake up every morning is about her. Whenever I meditate, the most intrusive thoughts are all of her. I feel restless and constantly find myself hoping that she will feel differently about this, even though it is somewhat clear that she has no intention of contacting me again.

    I realised that even when I felt my love for her to be selfless, I still expected something from her. I desired her attention and wanted her to be a receptacle of my affection. But this realisation and my attempts at acceptance have done almost nothing to palliate my restlessness. Is there something hindering my acceptance of all this? Is it the youthful naivety that still lurks within me, that I have no conscious control over? Just looking for someone who has had similar experiences and can shed some light.





    Dear tgrd:

    “I developed a very strong affection.. ardent affection.. I felt such a strong love.. I hadn’t felt this intensity for a long time”- but she wasn’t aware of this intensity, seems to me. And then she received a very strong, ardent poem from you and the intensity scared her, “intimidated her so much that she ended all contact” with you.

    I suppose it is a good idea to express your affection for a woman in a light manner, or before it gets so intense: to share just a bit, wait for her reaction and take it from there. What you did was to experience all that unreciprocated intensity all by yourself, managing it well over time. You didn’t think that your intensity will be too much for her to manage. But to her, your intensity was a surprise, and too intense of a surprise!

    What you experienced before her rejection was a pre-rejection intensity, a positive experience that you celebrated in a poem, thinking that she may join you in your celebration, or at least, that she will not put an end to your celebration. What you experience now is a post-rejection intensity. Give it time, be gentle to yourself as you meditate, expect this intensity to last for a while, before it dissipate. And post again if you would like.


    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by anita.
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