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Addiction,Lies and destroying a relationship

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  • #128171
    shordeel
    Participant

    “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over”
    I thought i’d start with a quote because i feel like it highlights my situation.
    I met my now ex 2 years ago. I thought he was charming etc. But he had a bad past, Jail time and a meth addiction that he at the time was clean from.
    So I give him a chance. I am not one to judge. First 6 months were like a dream. It was perfect. We move in together and things start to unravel from there.
    He starts becoming distant, more defensive. It took me by surprise because we never fought ever.soon enough he made my life a living hell. he was extremely abusive. he destroyed the entire relationship. i had to walk away from my house and what i built with him. it was an extremely painful situation. the breakup took a huge toll on me but i persevered and sorted my life out.
    So here i was living my own life finally happy again after the bs he put me through and guess who decides to contact me again.. yip so he texts of a new number saying that it was all is fault he destroyed everything etc. then he admitted he was using me and to make things worse, he cheated on me. I stupidly took him back and fell for his nonsense. at that time i didnt know how good of a liar he really was.in 2 months he breaks my heart again. starts ignoring me, telling me to f off and find another bf. and he breaks up with me again. i knew he was back on meth. i was so hurt because i really thought he would change but no, he just became worse,
    6 weeks go by and this time im a lot stronger. i was incredibly hurt but i wasnt going to let him get in my head. im successful in all areas of my life and im thankful for that.
    soon enough, as if he didnt get the fact that he fuked me over so much. he contacts me by email because i blocked him to say that he was so sorry and he had a lot to learn.
    I called him angry as to why he thinks he can just walk back in whenever he please. he is very manipulative. he made me feel bad into taking him back. i feel so stupid.
    His ex contacts me to tell me that he sent her an email 4 days before he contacts me telling her the same thing. I hit him up about it and ofcourse he tells me shes crazy etc. I knew deep down he was lying.
    More stuff comes out and his lies come out. we start fighting all the time again and his excuse is that its my fault because i should have forgiven him by now and that i need to get help to sort out the issues that he caused. he also lied about using meth. his whole family was distraught. he gets nasty and abusive. he got fired from his job because of his addiction. he had no money because he spent it all on drugs, his house gets robbed but i have a suspicion that he organised it so he could money for more drugs. its just say because he lives with 2 guys and their stuff got stolen too.
    everyone has a feeling that he did it and we all ask him and he gets defensive. so as me being his gf, i try to support him. go pick him up because he has no car. and he demands me to stop so he can buy beer. im like how did you get the money? and thats when shit hit the fan. boy is this guy nasty. i cry as i drive him and myself back to my apartment and the whole time hes having a go at me and blaming me.
    he then walks out on me telling me im a judgmental bitch. he was clearly using again because his face was all acabbed.
    i write him a big email explaining how his addiction is destroying everything around him and how awful hes been.
    call me up crying saying he needs help and that hes not going to lie anymore.
    He calls a family meeting which hes never done and we all go. he starts off by crying again saying he needs help. result was that he was going to get help through counselling etc. his family tell him off for mistreating me and that he should be lucky i even took him back.
    that was 2 weeks ago. He has been supposedly clean for that time but weve been having problems again.
    Hes a very selfish person. i am very supportive through all the shit hes put me through but my needs are not being me. I ask him weather its right to have a relationship while hes getting clean and he reassures me that hes not going anywhere..
    every fight weve had he blames my insecurities from his past mistakes and tells me iam too defendant on him emotionally.
    I express how i feel but he doesn’t care.. today i got told to fuck off and that he doesn’t have time for my shit. i make his life hard and that i should get help for my “issues”.
    sorry for the long story. I am deeply hurt. Maybe its my fault for letting him back into my life. I have now blocked him.
    how can someone say they love you more than anything and hurt you so much? AM i wrong for holding on to his awful past mistakes?
    IS it my fault?
    Have any of you been with a addict and is it similar? just hurts so damn much

    #128187
    Dee Dee
    Participant

    Dear, Adele..

    Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dee Dee, I have never been in your position but I used to be the bastard your bf was. I was a meth addict for years.I was very smart which makes me very manipulative. And though I was never been abusive (verbally or physically), or cheat, I did put my ex gf in hard times for the last 1,5 year of our relationship. I think it could be enlighten you to see from another point of view in this case.

    First of all, as someone who have been clean for years and then relapsed and clean again, I want to ask you.. do you really know who’s your bf? By knowing who he is, I mean the person behind all that manipulative acts, behind the images he might’ve created in front of you. It is very important for you to remember clearly how he behaved when he is clean for some period. This is the person he really is. Because whoever he has become when he is under influence or briefly clean (less than one or two months) is clearly not the real person he is. If u can remember who he is behind all the mess he created, think, does that person worth all this shit? Does that real person inside him worth your love and your efforts?

    Second, if that person is indeed worth it, then please help him. What you must understand, addiction is a disease. It’s not just a bad habit one can quit in an instance. Think of it thas a low blood sugar illness, where one must continue consume sugar or he’s body will collapse. So in order to keep his mind and body function, he will do anything like lying or stealing. In this case, the sugar is meth which is quite expensive. If you really love him, encourage him to find the help he needs. Be there with him. Find the cause why he keeps using again, is it the neighborhood, his friends, works (I used to use because my job in film industry knows no working hour so I need meth to boost my stamina all the time). Remind him the person he was before all of this happened. Because as an addict, after all the disappointment we caused to the ppl we loved, at some point we started to believe that we’re nothing more than a pathetic loser.

    The third one, if you’re not so sure which one is the real him and which one is the addict, then I’m sorry to say that you might have fall in love with the images he’s trying to make. Keep your distance, but try to keep him under the loop, befriend with him, help him only if you could but do nothing more than what a friend would do. With this attitude, you can justify the blame he accused you. Try to explain to him that you would still be around, as a friend but nothing more. Try to get new activities that keep your thoughts away from him. At least that’s what my ex gf does and it looks like it’s working.

    I hope this help you in anyway that’s possible.

    Dee.

    #128189
    Dee Dee
    Participant

    Oh, I’m sorry I forgot to answer your crucial question.

    No, Adele, it is not your fault at all. That’s the only thing I have never done as an addict, blaming someone else for all the bad shit happened in my life.

    Don’t take the blame for something that he did. It’s just his act, an excuse, an effort to run from reality that he is a pathetic loser now. Don’t listen to that bs.

    Dee.

    #128197
    Karen Macrae
    Participant

    There are so many things going on here and there is a big umbrella where he could be included under… I am thinking narcissist personality . Check out some U-Tube videos on this.
    No matter, you have only one live to live and you deserve to be happy. If being happy means trying to fix this broken human, then by all means stay. If not, go, and go no contact. Do not answer calls or emails.
    Good luck

    #128201
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Adele:

    You asked: “how can someone say they love you more than anything and hurt you so much?”
    My answer: saying it is easy, verbalizing the sounds and words it takes to say :I love you more than anything” takes very little time and very little effort, a few seconds and it is done. The person saying it may feel love as he says it, or not.

    On the other hand, to not hurt you by not using meth, for example, is a very difficult, time consuming effort, requiring so much more than a few seconds of a verbal output.

    You asked: “AM i wrong for holding on to his awful past mistakes? IS it my fault?”

    My answer: These are not your fault: his history and present practices of meth addiction, his childhood, his past before he met you, all of which were not encouraging regarding a prospect of a healthy relationship with you.

    In your relationship with him, you are responsible for your part in it. For example, it is possible that the girlfriend of a meth addict is abusive to the meth addict. The fact that he has been or is a meth addict does not mean that his girlfriend is necessarily not- abusive. It can be both. I think it is often both because of the great distress the two parties are experiencing. Distress often leads to abuse.

    My advice: Since abuse begets abuse and he is abusive to you, make this latest breakup the final one. Work on your part in a relationship, being loving, kind, etc., with a man who treats you respectfully. Let professionals help him with his addiction- you are not a professional, not your job.

    * Your first line: ““Insanity is doing the same thing over and over”- your quote is incomplete: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by anita.
    #128331
    shordeel
    Participant

    Yea well. I blocked him. I’ve had enough of being abused.

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