Adult children break my heart. Help me fix this, I'm so hurt.

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This topic has 11 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Joan.

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March 26, 2017 at 3:12 pm #142223
Joan
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Hi, I’ Joan. Posted my issue under “Abusive Daughter. . . . ” under Parenting Forum. No replies, so I thought I am supposed to make new topic to post my problem. I found this site, thankfully, a couple months ago, and reading posts and replies has helped me lately. Thak you. I have an Adult son 34 and an adult daughter 31 four grandkids. I raised them my self after divorcing when they were 3 and 7. My ex never helped or paid child support. He died 11 years ago. I went to college and got off Welfare and provided everything for them. Home, food, clothing, medical and dental ins., Holidays and vacations, and all they needed by my self. I love them and always have, deeply. Having known the pain of not feeling valued, or worthy, from day one I never wanted them to feel those things. Recently, I asked each one separately if there was ever a time they felt unloved growing up. They both answered “No, not ever”. Their answers say to me that I did my job, and successfully. The issue is they show me no respect, have no regard, and gang up on me alot. My daughter is the leader, younger than my son, but the bright in, where my son was diagnosed LD at age 9 and had IEP all the way til he quit in 12th grade,(Broke my heart). I now know he has ASD. Can work to a point, failed attempts living independantly, has anger and expressiin issues, etc. He looks up to her, will do anything for her, which I am glad for. I am ganged up on alot. They shun me, refuse my pleas for help with things like moving out if a rental I shared with my son recently. Neither came and heped. I am single, 62 this November, and they ignored my pleas. Same has happened several ither times. My daughter says very mean thungs to hurt me, that are total distortions and he never defends me. These are the kids whi said they alwats felt lived griwing up. I feel so wronged. I know I was a good mother, and did the best job I could. She never says remarks on the good things, only dustorts the facts to use it to hurt me. I am going crazy trying to figyre oyt why my kids are so disrespectful. I see their peers relationships with their moms who had ut way rougher than my kids ever did. My neices tell me how they loved coming to my house because I had food, a clean hoyse and it was “normal” at my house. The have thanked me for being their for them. They tell me I was a very good mother and Auntie. So WHY DI MY KUDS TREAT ME LIKE I WAS A NI GOID DEAD BEAT MOTHER? I am blow away by how wrong my kids do me. Others are as well. I worked mt buns off raising them. Of course I am not perfect, and made regretful chouces. But the good to bad is 80% to 20% at the worst. I earned better from them. I am hurting. If ai cut them loose, I lose seeing my grands grow up and they live their Nana to pieces. Have inlt seen them 2 or 3 times since before Christmas when my daughter got mean and nasty with me iver the phine on Chms Day and tild me “dont bother coming”. I spent the day aline. Helo me please. I am living in a world of hurt. Thank you.
- This topic was modified 7 years ago by tinybuddha.
March 26, 2017 at 5:07 pm #142237

Yu Wai
Participant

Hello Joan,

I believe childhood experiences in the home is the greatest contributor to the hostile distance between you and your children. Although you have done your job as a single mother to provide and care for them, you may have neglected the importance of positive communication with them while growing up. You may not be too expressive about how much you love them or perhaps work and house keeping stress during those times overtook you and resulted in you being unable to show them the soft motherly side of yourself.

People always lose touch with their innate motive when facing stress and pressure. This may have be the greatest cause of your children being unable to feel your love as a mother while growing up. Language is a very important tool when it comes to showing love and affection, however, most people neglect the importance of selecting the right words to use in comments and conversations.

Maybe the next time you try to communicate with any of your children, you may try to word your ideas in a more gentler way and explain to them how their words and actions have made you feel.

-Yu

March 26, 2017 at 10:03 pm #142275

Joan
Participant

My friends tell me I did too much for them and they never learned to appreciate me. Grew to expect things from me. Overindulged is another I hear. I think my FEAR OF ABANDONMENT plays apart. My daughter has taken things, traumatic experiences I shared hoping it would help her understand me and go easy on me, and used the very awful things to throw in my face and belittle me. I HAVE NEVER DONE SUCH A THING TO ANYBODY, would never consider using anothers hurtful experiences to hurt them more. But she has to me several times. Why? Is she just cold and mean. She is to me.

March 27, 2017 at 7:58 am #142333

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joan:

I don’t believe your daughter was born mean. I think she was a very loving baby and child, reaching out to her mother’s love. I believe she didn’t find that love.

You wrote above that you shared traumatic experiences you had with her, you told her about traumatic experiences you had before you had her, maybe in your childhood. That was the wrong thing for you to do to her. A child is not equipped, emotionally, to handle such sharing. Adult psychotherapists go to school for a long time, being trained to handle traumatic sharing by strangers!

And you shared your traumatic experiences with a child.

I recommend that you attend competent psychotherapy so to gain insight into the past, your own traumatic experiences of your childhood, as well as insight into your relationships with your daughter and with your son.

I highly recommend that you exit the role you have taken, that of being a victim of your own daughter, of your own adult children, and take the responsible role, and that is, of a parent honestly looking at what you did right AND wrong for and to your children.

anita

March 27, 2017 at 8:01 am #142335

Anonymous
Guest

* didn’t record…

March 27, 2017 at 11:44 am #142405

Joan
Participant

Ive written replies to this via my email. Sorry, didnt get how the postings all work here. But first I want to clarify that my daughter was in her 20s when I shared my story with her. I absolutely never shared my traumatic experiences with her as a child eventhough my kids and I were affected by some family members actions and attitudes after I spoke of how I was abused for the first time in over 13 years after the incident.

March 27, 2017 at 11:59 am #142409

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joan:

I didn’t mention it before, so I will now: congratulations for going to college and getting off welfare, and for providing a home, food, clothing and medical care for your children, now adult.

I am glad you didn’t share your traumatic life experiences with your daughter when she was a child.

You wrote that 20% at the most, you were “not perfect, and made regretful choices – would you like to elaborate on these regretful choices?

anita

March 29, 2017 at 8:29 am #142719

Joan
Participant

Yes, I would. Im from California. Moved to Rhode Island at age 24, after married then divorced to my kids dad. He came to R.I. and we reconciled, went to remarry, divorce had not been finalized. We had out two kids. I moved back to Ca with my 3 almost 4 and 7 y.o. kids. My family of origin continued the unfair treatment I moved away from 9.5 years earlier, now including my kids in their behaviors toward us. I regretted moving home many times over the years. I had 3.5 years of individual psychotherapy before I moved home. I thought it would be different after a decade away. This was my main regret.

March 29, 2017 at 8:46 am #142727

Joan
Participant

I regret a couple of men I got involved with. They preyed on my vulnerability, sensed my fear of abandonment, and used it to control and manipulate me which I didnt understand then but came to understand when I was 58, after I got involved with the worst yet, a true sociopath, who held me hostage, physically and sexually abused me. From start to end was about 18 months total. I got hooked by this evil person. Finally saw what I was involved with and learned all I could and that with my own strength and determination, got away from him. Never saw or spoke again. Evil at its worst. Havent been on a date or with a man since 2014. What I gained from the situation is that Sociopathic men prey on emotionally injured women and that was the script in my romantic relationships. Again, the early onset fear of abandonment, I believe is at the center of my the issues i have had getting hurt in my relationships and regret my kids endured seeing me brokenhearted over the men I was involved with. They were grown , obviously when I was seeing the last and worst one I met in 2013. Ask me your questions and I will tell you no lies.

March 29, 2017 at 9:28 am #142739

Joan
Participant

The main reason I regret moving home is that by the time my kids reached their teens, they had began disregarding me the same way my family had disregarded me as far back as I can remember. After 3.5 years in therapy in R.I. with a therapist who was also a professor at the Univerity, and very good at his job, I thought things would be different when I moved back home. That was 27 years ago. I regre

t my decision to move home t

o my family of origin. I contin

ued counseling when contin

back in 1990. Left in 1980. There cousins, my neices and nephews, less than welcomed my kids into the fold. I was protective of my kids, spoke up about it, as I had learned to speak up of my feelings and not harbor resentment. The response from my siblings and mother was they became defensive and ganged up on me, us. My protectiveness of my precious kids whos parents just split up was met with my kids being excluded from activities. And I was horrified. Never had a thought of there being any such outcome over my expressing concerns regarding my kids adjusting to the new environment. I believed speaking up was the right thing to do. We became the topic of many of their conversations in our abscence. I tried. God knows how hard I tried to make things better. Thus the codependency crept back in to play. It hasnt been good.

March 29, 2017 at 9:47 am #142745

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joan:

I read your latest posts. It is a shame you moved back to California after your life and psychotherapy in Rhode Island. You thought you could change the dynamics of your original family because you had therapy. Problem is your original family members, your mother for one, did not have therapy, was not motivated to change the dynamics. So just like when you were a child, you were the only one motivated.

Your children are now adults. Your son is autistic and has not yet lived independently, correct? Where does he live, is he employed, what is going on with him?

And your daughter, is she married, with kids? How is she doing in her life?

anita

March 29, 2017 at 11:33 am #142775

Joan
Participant

Omg! I just wrote reply re: sons situation. Lost it befor pisted. Try again soon.

November 14, 2018 at 10:59 am #236855

ANGEL
Participant

I could have written this without the fact that I didnt go to college.. It is heartbreaking.. My mother died after I graduated high school. She was only 39. I had a baby and my siblings were 4, 10 and 17. I worked dead end jobs my entire life.. Usually two. I caught cabs, walked etc until I worked my way up on vehicles.. My son is 32… He use to be my best friend and so caring until his father got him to try meth.. Mind you his father never paid child support and never participated in his childhood at all.. They are now more like buddies! My son has daddy issues. My son wants that relationship so bad but its toxic… I am in his two daughters lives more than him. He’s a smart and handsome guy with so much to offer.. I just don’t understand…

My daughter is 21… She does not party at all. She is just existing.. She got pregnant and is struggling but living under my roof. She alreadys has a son who i adore.. Baby number 2 is on her way in january.. She stays in bed until work.. Texts and argues with boyfriend.. No cleaning, no dishes… She had plans for college and has opportunities that I didn’t… She pays no rent. But still is evil to me because I voice my opinions. SHE IS SO MUCH BETTER WHEN THE BOYS SHE DATES.. He is not allowed in my home. He is a thief loser with no job.. I just don’t even know what to do anymore but the things they both say to me are heart breaking… HELPLESS IN OHIO
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