Victoria,

You ask some great questions! I like the way you’re approaching this from “what can I do from my side” instead of trying to change your mom. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

If only our parents were perfect, eh?

The fact is that they are people. When I was in my twenties, I also had difficulty letting go of the difference between who my mom was and what I wished I had as a mother. Said differently, as I grew into a more compassionate person, and started connecting with very loving and nurturing women, I felt a feeling of loss at what I missed out on. There were a couple things that lead me settle the attachment.

The first was that if I had a mother who acted differently, I would not be the man that I am. It reminds me of the zen saying “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” :). When we see the difference between what we had and what we can now create, there is so much more appreciation for what we have. It is like people who are raised in poverty have a much greater appreciation for whatever wealth they have, and do not take the good things in life for granted.

If you are aligned to with views of reincarnation and life plans and so forth, consider that your mom came before you as agreed, and shouldered a lifelong burden of mental illness to provide the perfect conditions for Victoria to open up and appreciate the beauty of life. What a gift she gave to you!

With this view, all we really need to do is let go of the agitation we feel when we experience their patterns. Said differently, if you can have a view of unconditional acceptance for the sacrifice of you mom, all that is left is really putting that into practice.

There is no tool I have found that rivals metta practice for soothing agitations. Metta is a label Buddhists use for unconditional positive regard, or loving-kindness. What we do is a few moments of breathing meditation to calm the mind, and then bring in something we find it easy to feel warm toward. Kittens, children, trusted friends, etc. As we envision one of those, we sit and notice the warmth in our our chest and sit with it. Just noticing the warmth is good, we don’t have to do anything with it, we are just nourishing the roots of our kindness. After 5-10 minutes of sitting with the warmth, you can envision your mom as a child playing with some toys. Imagine your warmth spreading around her, and wishing for her to keep that loving innocence around her. Look at her and wish, like a silent observer, that you could help her grow up happy and peaceful. Let the sorrow come in, knowing that her life will be hard for her, and picture your love surrounding her difficulties and pains. If the warmth fades, you could perhaps love back to the kittens or friends, and wish for their well being.

After only a few weeks of this kind of practice, most of the agitation will disappear. In its stead will be Victoria’s heart shining strong, grateful and helpful… accepting of mom’s barbs and hooks, selfishness and mindlessness. After all, despite being your mom, she is also part of our human family, all trying our best to dance and play during the short time we’re alive.

With warmth,
Matt

Victoria,

I can understand why it can feel difficult to be open enough to feel compassion for your mom. It is quite often that people think being compassionate is a gift to the other, but it is not. Being compassionate is about you.

When I suggested you embark on a metta practice, it was not to help your mom. Let her post on tinybuddha if she wants that! Cultivating metta for your mom is about you. Its about freeing yourself from your mental and emotional agitation. It has nothing to do with her. If you act more kindly toward her, that is a fragrance, a byproduct. When we do metta, we free our own minds.

If it were easy for you to feel metta for your mom, it wouldn’t be necessary! Look at it like this for a moment: imagine every time you hear the word “shazam” you feel mental agitation. The practice would be the same. First breathe and clear some space. Then kittens for warmth in the heart. Then kittens saying “shazam” from the space of the warmth. Then “shazam” loses its hold on your mind. The word is just a word, your mom is just your mom, but metta is for your agitation, your prison, your habits of feeling crappy.

For anger, the first rule is to do no harm. Buddha noted that when we get angry, we feel like the anger is just, and we can use it to “give back” what we were given. This is foolish. Anger is corrosive. When we hold it, we burn away precious vitality and experience terrible painfulness. He said it is like hanging on to a hot ember with the intention of throwing it at someone, but the hand that is burnt is our own. This is not that different than the explanation for metta. Letting go of the anger is not about her, its about you freeing your precious and beautiful mind from the grips of icky.

Metta will help with compression that leads to anger. To help our body heal from anger, we can sit with it and breathe. “Yep, here’s this energy again, low and behold it still sucks and hurts.” Breathe in “feeling the air on my nostrils” breathing out “feeling the air on my nostrils”. If you do any kind of meditation, all you really need to do is feel the emotion and gently move your mind back to the meditation object, whatever it might be. Breath, numbers, posture etc.

The thing you will wish to avoid is blerting out with it where the fire could do harm. This isn’t to protect the other (such as your mom) but to protect you. When we try to wield anger, we set into motion a series of cycles that comes back to us as getting angry again. Instead, we step aside and let the emotion settle without doing anything stupid with it. 🙂 In this way, we take control of our mind and body and stop letting others “make” us feel icky.

With warmth,
Matt

There are two discourses on metta that I am aware of (I type on a phone so it is difficult to link) but here is the one most beloved:

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.than.html

Here is a link to Ajahn Jayasaro speaking on metta, including its method:

If it doesn’t link, you could search YouTube for “jayasaro metta”. Ajahn Jayasaro’s whole series is like a glass of fresh water for the mind, if you’re into that kind of thing. 🙂

Yes, we are not victims, we create and maintain our emotions. Buddha said that being ignorant of that is something fundamental, such as being born without knowing the alphabet or how to make a hammer. However, once taught, everything changes. We no longer have to create and maintain favorable external circumstances in order to be peaceful. Instead, we bring the peace to whatever circumstances we encounter.

With warmth,
Matt