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Adult Relationships with your Parents.

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  • #38853
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    So something I struggle with and am hoping perhaps to get other perspectives on is the relationship you have with your parents as an adult. As I’ve grown into my 20’s, I have a really hard time relating to and sympathizing with my mother. My mother is bipolar and when you’re a child you obviously don’t see flaw in your parents, you see them as the epitome of what you want to be when you grow up. But now that I’m an adult, and have had different adult experiences and more responsibility than my mother has ever had, I find I carry this internal anger toward her. She is very irrational, immature, irresponsible and at times very selfish and while I understand much of this is beyond her control because of her mental illness, it still frustrates me and I have a hard time not being bitter. Does anyone have any advice on how to accept differences between your adult ways and your parents’? And perhaps how to accept when those clash?

    #38854
    Matt
    Participant

    Victoria,

    You ask some great questions! I like the way you’re approaching this from “what can I do from my side” instead of trying to change your mom. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    If only our parents were perfect, eh?

    The fact is that they are people. When I was in my twenties, I also had difficulty letting go of the difference between who my mom was and what I wished I had as a mother. Said differently, as I grew into a more compassionate person, and started connecting with very loving and nurturing women, I felt a feeling of loss at what I missed out on. There were a couple things that lead me settle the attachment.

    The first was that if I had a mother who acted differently, I would not be the man that I am. It reminds me of the zen saying “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” :). When we see the difference between what we had and what we can now create, there is so much more appreciation for what we have. It is like people who are raised in poverty have a much greater appreciation for whatever wealth they have, and do not take the good things in life for granted.

    If you are aligned to with views of reincarnation and life plans and so forth, consider that your mom came before you as agreed, and shouldered a lifelong burden of mental illness to provide the perfect conditions for Victoria to open up and appreciate the beauty of life. What a gift she gave to you!

    With this view, all we really need to do is let go of the agitation we feel when we experience their patterns. Said differently, if you can have a view of unconditional acceptance for the sacrifice of you mom, all that is left is really putting that into practice.

    There is no tool I have found that rivals metta practice for soothing agitations. Metta is a label Buddhists use for unconditional positive regard, or loving-kindness. What we do is a few moments of breathing meditation to calm the mind, and then bring in something we find it easy to feel warm toward. Kittens, children, trusted friends, etc. As we envision one of those, we sit and notice the warmth in our our chest and sit with it. Just noticing the warmth is good, we don’t have to do anything with it, we are just nourishing the roots of our kindness. After 5-10 minutes of sitting with the warmth, you can envision your mom as a child playing with some toys. Imagine your warmth spreading around her, and wishing for her to keep that loving innocence around her. Look at her and wish, like a silent observer, that you could help her grow up happy and peaceful. Let the sorrow come in, knowing that her life will be hard for her, and picture your love surrounding her difficulties and pains. If the warmth fades, you could perhaps love back to the kittens or friends, and wish for their well being.

    After only a few weeks of this kind of practice, most of the agitation will disappear. In its stead will be Victoria’s heart shining strong, grateful and helpful… accepting of mom’s barbs and hooks, selfishness and mindlessness. After all, despite being your mom, she is also part of our human family, all trying our best to dance and play during the short time we’re alive.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38856
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Your words are kind and good to hear. It is comforting to know I’m not the only one who has struggled with the difference of who my mother is and what I wish I had for a mother. Particularly as a young female, you usually strive to be like your same sex parent. Perhaps I need to just practice showing her compassion (even if I may not like it at first) and it will get easier to accept the cards I was dealt in life. I greatly agree that I would not be near the woman I am if I hadn’t grown up with my mother. Though I faced a lot of struggle that I view as unfair to a certain extent, perhaps there is no such ‘unfair’ struggle, because struggle is the foundation to strength. And perhaps I should inadvertently thank my mother for creating a strong young women indirectly.

    The idea that “perhaps your only purpose is to serve as a warning to others” actually resonates with me. I have often felt a sense of martyrdom toward my family (if that makes sense) in that I see my purpose to serve them to the best of my ability; that my reincarnated self was meant to bring the strength my family lacked. I strongly feel the reason for my existence is to help, and I guess to help others you are usually put in a situation that is worthy of help (or not exactly ‘peachy’ in other words).

    This Metta practice sounds like a very useful tool. Thinking about showing that compassion to my mom just in my own mind moves me emotionally. It’s hard for me to do to be honest. I want to be able to. I want to send all of the love I can toward my mom because I realize she needs it most. I just struggle to be so selfless; there are better people at it than I.

    Another thing I do struggle with is to talk to my mother and not have my inward anger shine through in our conversation. I don’t think it’s fair of me, but I have a hard time controlling it. Do you have any advice on that? I assume Metta practice would help, but until I master that, is there some mindful thoughts that are good to focus on instead of my anger?

    Feeling hopeful,
    Victoria

    #38865
    Matt
    Participant

    Victoria,

    I can understand why it can feel difficult to be open enough to feel compassion for your mom. It is quite often that people think being compassionate is a gift to the other, but it is not. Being compassionate is about you.

    When I suggested you embark on a metta practice, it was not to help your mom. Let her post on tinybuddha if she wants that! Cultivating metta for your mom is about you. Its about freeing yourself from your mental and emotional agitation. It has nothing to do with her. If you act more kindly toward her, that is a fragrance, a byproduct. When we do metta, we free our own minds.

    If it were easy for you to feel metta for your mom, it wouldn’t be necessary! Look at it like this for a moment: imagine every time you hear the word “shazam” you feel mental agitation. The practice would be the same. First breathe and clear some space. Then kittens for warmth in the heart. Then kittens saying “shazam” from the space of the warmth. Then “shazam” loses its hold on your mind. The word is just a word, your mom is just your mom, but metta is for your agitation, your prison, your habits of feeling crappy.

    For anger, the first rule is to do no harm. Buddha noted that when we get angry, we feel like the anger is just, and we can use it to “give back” what we were given. This is foolish. Anger is corrosive. When we hold it, we burn away precious vitality and experience terrible painfulness. He said it is like hanging on to a hot ember with the intention of throwing it at someone, but the hand that is burnt is our own. This is not that different than the explanation for metta. Letting go of the anger is not about her, its about you freeing your precious and beautiful mind from the grips of icky.

    Metta will help with compression that leads to anger. To help our body heal from anger, we can sit with it and breathe. “Yep, here’s this energy again, low and behold it still sucks and hurts.” Breathe in “feeling the air on my nostrils” breathing out “feeling the air on my nostrils”. If you do any kind of meditation, all you really need to do is feel the emotion and gently move your mind back to the meditation object, whatever it might be. Breath, numbers, posture etc.

    The thing you will wish to avoid is blerting out with it where the fire could do harm. This isn’t to protect the other (such as your mom) but to protect you. When we try to wield anger, we set into motion a series of cycles that comes back to us as getting angry again. Instead, we step aside and let the emotion settle without doing anything stupid with it. 🙂 In this way, we take control of our mind and body and stop letting others “make” us feel icky.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38869
    Tim
    Participant

    Victoria:

    Hello! 🙂 I think I can see what you’re trying to say, but I might be off the point, as it’s very hard to fully understand someone’s unique and sometimes powerful experiences, that they have in life, let alone that person attempting to express that through a very linear, limiting medium of text.
    I’m not going to tell you to meditate any way, as I find meditation difficult, nor am I going to quote religious scriptures either, as I often misquote or even misinterpret them.
    Have you ever tried ‘Role Play’? Maybe get a close friend to play you, and then play your mum? Maybe that might demystify things. Then again, no promises it will help.
    Have you spoken to other people with parents who have bipolar? Maybe a similar experience might help connect and make you feel less like you’re the only one who has experienced things like this.
    Again, no guarantees.
    I fear giving you techniques, with the hope of success, if they don’t work, you’ll only feel deflated, and maybe it will only exasperate your frustration; Please continue your discovery!
    I hope with the ever pursuit of understanding and peace, you find something useful somewhere, which then clicks, or maybe just adds a little bit of a breakthrough somehow.

    Hugs.

    #38893
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Tim,

    You’re definitely right that text is so limiting in what I’m trying to express, but thank you for reading and replying anyways. I think the idea of speaking to someone who has a parent with bipolar would be beneficial. Having someone to relate to always decreases the isolation and frustration I feel. Though, I’m not particularly sure where I would find someone to talk to. Perhaps internet forums like this one? I don’t suppose you know of any mental health resources off hand? Your support is really appreciated; I feel cared for by strangers and it’s rather touching.

    With gratitude,
    Victoria

    #38894
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    I see where you are coming from with the metta for my benefit and not my mothers. It’s a very interesting concept that I can control myself in such a way and be less of a victim to my emotions of anger or frustration. I am curious if you have any resources on metta practice? Websites perhaps?

    #38910
    Matt
    Participant

    There are two discourses on metta that I am aware of (I type on a phone so it is difficult to link) but here is the one most beloved:

    http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.than.html

    Here is a link to Ajahn Jayasaro speaking on metta, including its method:

    If it doesn’t link, you could search YouTube for “jayasaro metta”. Ajahn Jayasaro’s whole series is like a glass of fresh water for the mind, if you’re into that kind of thing. 🙂

    Yes, we are not victims, we create and maintain our emotions. Buddha said that being ignorant of that is something fundamental, such as being born without knowing the alphabet or how to make a hammer. However, once taught, everything changes. We no longer have to create and maintain favorable external circumstances in order to be peaceful. Instead, we bring the peace to whatever circumstances we encounter.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #38912
    Diana
    Participant

    I just wanted to add a voice to the conversation taking place. Reading through these threads over the past 30 minutes or so has shaken my soul. I’ve been searching, reading, praying and meditating, surrendering to God to find some direction on how to deal with my mother. I come from a dictator type non-nurturing relationship with my mother only to be countered by a nurturing (sometimes emotionally quiet) caregiving father. As a sensitive child growing up, I was attune to tone, diction, and intense body language, which my mother’s parenting style catered towards aggressive behavior I couldn’t understand. I too have hidden and latent anger towards the nurturing environment I so wanted even though I had security, stability and some “stuff”. I relate with your struggles Victoria and just wanted to say you are not alone.

    #38915
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Diana,

    Thank you for sharing with me. It is so remarkably powerful when you can connect with people, even strangers. Its nice to feel like I’m not alone and although you haven’t experienced the identical situation that I have, you understand the struggle with a mother. I’m sure your mother inadvertently moulded you into a strong beautiful person too, otherwise you wouldn’t be involved in such a great community for personal growth such as Tinny Buddha. What comforts me is that women like you and I will be the unconditional loves of our future daughters’; so the struggle elicits something beautiful after all.

    Hugs,
    Victoria

    #38930
    Eric
    Participant

    Hello all,

    Just wanted to add another sympathetic voice. I think it is more and more difficult to relate to our parents as we mature into adulthood, and develop our individuation. As children, we have the One relationship with our parents, as child and parent. As we mature, we change as people, and become independent adults ourselves, while our parents may change, they are probably changing at a slower rate than their children do. Therefore, there’s a shift in how the parties relate to One another, and well, most everyone has some difficulty with change, least of all change in those whom we are close to.

    That’s just One side of the multifaceted entity that is our relationship with our parents.

    One practise that helps me with things that challenge me, or make me angry, is indeed that of Metta Bhavana, and also the idea that we are all seeking our happiness, and each of us is just as entitled to that happiness as any other is. They’re intrinsically linked really. Therefore, that wood-dove (aka pigeon) cooing outside my window, keeping me awake after a night shift, it’s merely trying to impress a mate, so as to procreate and further it’s genetic material. I find that focusing on that, allows the frustration to melt away, and I can then get to sleep, in that particular case. This after years of finding the calls of pigeons particularly annoying.

    Victoria, I think it’s great that you can see the beauty being cultivated by your struggle. I’m generally pretty happy-go-lucky, but of course come up against unhappy times, and I always try to learn something from that, to grow. You asked if there were resources; I’m not sure where you are in this world, but I know in the UK there’s a charity for the mental health field called MIND. Might be worth getting in touch with them. http://www.Mind.org.uk

    Sabbe Satta Sukhi Hontu – May all beings be well,

    Eric

    #38989
    Victoria F.
    Participant

    Hi Eric,

    Your story about pigeons made me giggle a little bit; but I suppose even those damn birds deserve happiness too! You’re very right that children change a little more readily than their parents because naturally we are still growing into the people we want to be, and typically the older you get the more slowed that process has become (for some anyways). I guess if I think of it that way, my mother has been around far longer than I have and that generally means my level of adaptability is higher, so rather than beat my head against the wall trying to get her to see how she affects me, it is likely easier for me to control myself and how I let the situation affect me.

    It really is a multi-faceted entity, this relationship with my mother. While I obviously love her because she is my mother, I lose patience with her easily. I find myself thinking that if she were my friend, I wouldn’t enjoy maintaining a relationship with her. And then naturally I feel guilty for that thought. And then I have bouts of compassion for her and sympathy for the fact that her mind is beyond her control at times. Does everyone have these ups and downs with parents? I guess when you eventually become an equal adult like your parents it would be natural to have clashing like that.

    I am in Canada myself (though my family is from the UK interestingly enough!) but I will look at this website, thank you! I’ve been searching for resources within my city online as well; support always seems to be around for those who search for it.

    With gratitude,
    Victoria

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