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Advice for a possible budding romance

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months ago.

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  • #295305

    Chechi
    Participant

    I’m seeking feedback about a potential romance.

    I am 25 years old and have never seriously craved a boyfriend/significant other until recently. I purchased a home earlier this year and started with a new company about a year ago and now I finally feel like a relationship is something that I really want. However, since I never paid mind to it when I was younger, I feel like I am at a disadvantage. I also have some intergenerational trauma that I am currently dealing with in my alcoholic father and trying to get to a place of forgiveness with him and not letting him be able to affect me as much as he has in the past.

    A couple of months ago I started casually seeing a coworker. He is 31, single with no children and just an all around cool guy. He has complimented me numerous times on different things, we have gone out and had great conversation, he calls when he has time….but the other night we spoke about what page we are on and he said he is not ready for anything serious, which is what I ultimately want. I’m also starting to have some feelings for him, so I immediately blamed myself and caught myself doing it. I have been trying to shake off the idea that it is my fault for the past couple of days, but it keeps coming to the back of my mind.

    Should I continue to see him and hope down the road he is ready to move forward with me? Also, if I do that, how do I shake the notion  that he is not committing right now because of me?

    #295329

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chechi:

    I don’t agree that you are in a disadvantage for not having had a romantic relationship before (“since I never paid mind to  it when I was younger, I feel like I am at a disadvantage”). People often don’t get better at relationships with experience, over time. It is a good thing you focused on your career and purchased a home before getting into a relationship.

    Now that you are ready, better operate wisely. In your job and as you purchased a home, you operated according to logic and reason, correct?

    Don’t abandon the logic and reason that served you well so far. Romantic or love relationships are not about magic, really, something that just happens, and we have to let it happen because there is nothing we can do about such things… no,  we can operate logically and reasonably in this context  too, the context of love relationships.

    You wrote that you blamed yourself for having feelings for your co worker- not logical, not reasonable! Since we don’t choose what we feel, because feelings just happen, it is not reasonable to blame ourselves for what we happen to feel.

    What we do  have a choice about is what we do, not how we feel. So, what should you do regarding this “possible budding romance”- I say nothing. Because he told you he is not interested in anything serious and you are- this is a serious lack of compatibility.

    If you get involved with him and “hope down the road he is ready to move forward with me”, you are inviting misery into your life, getting more attached to him and then wishing-and-hoping and trying, and getting discouraged, breaking up, missing him, trying again… and in all that misery you may not be able to do a good job and be able to pay the mortgage on the house you bought!

    Better get into a relationship with a man who has the same goal as you do regarding the relationship, both being ready for something serious, not just you.

    The feelings you feel  for  this guy, don’t worry, you can feel them later for another guy.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  anita.
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