Home→Forums→Relationships→Advice for moving on with my love life.
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Anonymous.
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February 3, 2017 at 6:28 am #126633
MarieParticipantHello everyone,
So to start off with I’m 24 and had been in a 3 year relationship until last year in May. It was, what I understand now, a toxic and very unhealthy relationship which lead to lot of pain and left me very unsure and confused. He was very controlling and after so long I lost a lot of my friends, started suffering from severe anxiety and depression. I had been getting a lot better since the break-up, I regained a few of my lost friends, got a raise and promotion at work, lost 20 lbs and my whole outlook had been improving massively.
I tried to date a few people in between then and now and hadn’t had much luck in the sense of me actually falling for someone. The 2 guys I had dated seemed to really want to have a relationship with me, but I couldn’t really seem to get the right connection. They had good points but were too clingy and I just couldn’t really see things moving further.
There has been another guy and we started to get close and I finally thought ‘yes!’ someone I can actually see myself dating long term. But as things seemed to carry on, I just began to feel like I was more of a after thought. He said he wanted to get to know and be a person I can open up to. But whenever I tried it was just not really returned with affection or compassion. The impression I got was he wanted a chase, got what he wanted and then I was just there for when he needed attention. So i called it off.
Its put me in a pretty bad way. I want to move on from my past, I want have a connection with someone and begin a new happy life. I feel as though I’m torn between what I feel I deserve and being with someone I actually have feelings for.
I want to get out of this slump I’m in and know by calling it off with this guy was the right decision and not just clouded judgement because of my other failed relationship.
Has anyone got any advice or even techniques to help me get my mood back and my head straight.February 3, 2017 at 7:49 am #126640
Dee DeeParticipantDear, Marie..
I believe, true love would come once you fully understand how to love yourself. Take your time, you are young. So many great things waiting for tou ahead. Love is just one of those many things you will find. When you find the right person, you won’t have to learn to love him. Love itself will show you how. He would not change who you are because who you are would be perfect to him.
Take hearts, have faith. When it’s the right time, you would know.
Dee.
February 3, 2017 at 8:08 am #126643
AnonymousGuestDear Marie:
Interesting, the words here: “(I) hadn’t had much luck in the sense of me actually falling”- as if Falling is a good thing, lucky if it happens. Falling, the verb, implies losing control, losing your standing.
If you’d like to share the following, which is necessary for my understanding, please do:
What did the first two guys you dated in the last year say and do that was “too clingy” and how did it make you feel?
anita
February 3, 2017 at 8:30 am #126646
JordanParticipantI’m younger than you , but I totally agree . Your problem and past life story it like just mine .
February 3, 2017 at 10:02 am #126653MarieParticipantI felt like they wanted to get into something serious before they even got to know me.
They were looking to jump into something head first.
When I backed off a bit, I would get more and more phone calls and more and more texts. One of them was talking about moving in and showing me engagement rings after about 2 months of dating.
It freaked me out. I had all these plans with someone else, and he was so wrong me for but the feelings for them was still there, and someone else made it feel weird.February 3, 2017 at 10:04 am #126654MarieParticipantI think what’s really hard, now that I feel that I’m over what happened and I’m over they man himself. Is where do I go from here? How do I not fall back into the same life. How can I trust my gut when it was so wrong before.
February 3, 2017 at 11:51 am #126662AnonymousGuestDear Marie:
What I would do, if I was you, would be to look for competent, high quality psychotherapy where you can explore the questions you have, as well as the answers. Your last question above is how to trust your gut feelings when you were wrong before, about the man with whom you were with for three years.
Our gut feelings, each one of them, has a valid message. For example, you felt very attached to your long term boyfriend- that means that separating from him would be painful. Such attachment did not mean he was a good choice for you. If a woman misunderstands the nature of her attachment to mean the man is a good choice, then she misunderstands the message in her attachment and tries to make it work again, and again and again.
But if you understand that a people get as strongly attached to bad choices as to good choices in men, then you understand that best for you is to separate from the man.
Figuring out the valid, true messages in our gut feelings is very important and it is something you can learn to do in therapy as well as in every day practice.
anita
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