I actually use anyone I can find to deal with my self-doubt. Part of why i do not move forward is that I am never sure what  the right thing to do is or if i am capable of doing it. I guess it is fear after all. Fear of my ownself and how i would destroy my life. I think I am scared of becoming my father.

He changed jobs at what was a manic period in his sickness and after that it was one bad decision after another and it threw us into really bad situations. I am also scared that i am a bad employee because my mom always says she does not know how his last employer did not fire him almost 8 years earlier. That is where the fear of being incompetent lies. That i may actually be incompetent so i have to hide the flaws and survive. And that I may get fired like he did. Although they do not really depend on me now, i know that i have to take care of things like medical so i was always under financial pressure.

I think i do not have a passion or motivation – because i believe i am incompetent at living – lazy, unskilled and a burden. So i never bothered living actively enough to ever discover a passion. And how could i ever be motivated if my default mission in life was set to – don’t get caught at work, survive and repeat. I would naturally not be super focussed on moving anywhere if all it meant would be not getting caught in a new geographical location.

No, not for her to be a beneficiary but since it is a good thing to do for oneself. She does not have intentions like that – to scheme and get money out of me or my sister. But since she considers it a good thing it has to be done her way. I wanted to take my time to think about the suggestions the agent made about premium, cover, etc. It did not turn out to be a bad thing to do but in that situation, wanting more time would not have been a bad thing but I doubted myself and listened to my mom and signed up right away

About the first part. I feel guilty is all. If i reflect on it I am not a good daughter either. I used to be very moody. I say means things to my family all the time. So I guess I feel i should be grateful to them because they atleast have given me other comforts. For whatever reasons, my mother chose to stay with him, it lead me to getting a good job and education, so i feel bad for expecting more.  And also, i used to be weird even before my father lost his job. I hated my background. I felt like i did not belong with my peers. I felt less than because of how my family conducted themselves but the primary reason was i was tagged a nerd and hated that. I used to show all of that on my parents. And as i grew up and saw all the wrong things they did/were doing i just could not see things from their side. I feel bad for putting them down.

Life insurance – it is a good investment – tax benefit and more importantly on maturity i get good interest on the total insured sum. My mom has no real benefit unless i die and she gets a sum equivalent to my annual salary. But i chose her as a nominee and for another one i chose my sister. My mom said she wanted me to have some kind of an insurance because for my dad we got a good amount for the insurances after they matured. She also wanted me to ensure i get some tax benefits. We are all just nervous about money.

My name is Girija. You have helped a lot so i wanted  you to know.