June 17, 2019 at 12:39 pm #299497YuParticipant
Hello Beutiful People of TB,
My name is Yu and I come to ask for advices or experiences from you all. I have a 4 years relationship with my boyfriend. Our relationship is not perfect, but we have made it work. He proposed to me Last year, in our New Year’s party. Where I was surrounded by my closest family. He lives in Texas and I live in Mexico. Since we got enganged He has been very mean to me. He says I am very sensitive and I just got upset because I don’t get things my way. At this point I don’t know anymore if I am throwing a fit or this relationship is bad and toxic. So here is what happened this last weekend:
His best friend and his wife invited him to come to Mexico with them, so they can meet me in person and spend time with the family of his best friend’s wife.
I was very excited to meet them because I am Catholic and they will be part of our godparents at the religious ceremony (which is very important to me)
There was a little problem, they stay at the other part of my state, so I make around 2 hours from my place to theirs. They stay at the rich part of the city, Me and my boyfriend have an average income, so we both live OK. But he loves to be with his best friend, and because I know how important He is for my Boyfriend, I made my very big effort to be with them the whole weekend. I meet a lot of people, with so much money, and power and influences, they never were rude or disrespectful to me, but I was feeling very unconfortable because I didn’t know anybody but my boyfriend and I really thought we will be only the 4 of us. I tried to enjoy every moment even when his best friend’s wife was a little bit bitchy, like not letting us to go to another place but with her family or friends. So yesterday was the last day and we travel so far from my place and I didn’t even know where the hell I was… But I was ok, because I wasn’t alone. The supposed to go at 3pm because my boyfriend still had to drive his way home from his best friend’s place. (which is about 3 hours apart) But the wife didn’t want to leave Mexico until 7 pm so my boyfriend was very upset because he can’t afford to lose one day of his work, and he will get to his house very late and go to work at 6am next day. So everything was so unconfortable and they told me they could drop me close to the city (where I know, and I can move easyly) but at the last minute, they told me they can’t take me, because they have to leave in another direction to get in time to the bridge before the border get closed for the day. So my boyfriend told me he will give me money for an uber so I could get home. I was so scared because I was so so, so far from my actually city and with a lot of people that I didn’t know. And the uber will take 25 minutes to get to me, and they were already leaving me. My boyfriend told me “I’m sorry, I had to go, I love you more than anything, but I have to go home” and I couldn’t handle it anymore and I ran to the bathroom and started to cry. I was left by my own in a house where I didn’t know anybody and my boyfriend wasn’t at least kind enough to tell someone to put an eye on me. When I got out of the bathroom they were already gone. I set in the middle of a big room by myself, everybody at the party was just ignoring me. And I felt very humiliated and angry. My boyfriend texted me like 15 minutes after he left and tell me that please let him know when the uber gets me. I was so upset and trying not to make a scene there, so when I finally went back home, He told me I was acting like a child and I didnt have he rigth to be acting like the wat I was. Because he also was not happy with the way things happened and it wasn’t his fault. I told him that I understood but I steel have feeling and I wasn’t feeling I was treated rigth. I told him if He thinks if his friend would accept we treat his wife the way they treat me. And he said it wasn’t anybodys fault that I didn’t have the right to blame on his friends and he didn’t care about my feelings, because I am a 29 years woman that can take of herself just fine. And I told him it wasn’t about to take care of myself, It is about to respect and care for the people you invite and involve in your life. He told me he wouldn’t discuss anything and I was wasting his time.
I told him I was not confortable with them being our godparents. And he told me to get over it because he won’t change it, he is the one taking decisions and he won’t let them out. So I feel I’m not taking the rigth decision marrying him. Because I feel he will choose his friends before me. And I am going to leave, my job, my house, my family and friends, to move with him to Texas to start a new life because He can’t move to Mexico for his job. I am writing this and still crying, I felt so Unworthy and sad because even when he says that he loves me more than anything, I doesn’t feel like love.
I want to cancel all the contracts and leave this behind, I feel this is not good for me and I deserve better, but he said I’m acting like a child who is not getting his way.
I would like to know if you think I am, because I dont want to take a decision based on anger.June 17, 2019 at 12:52 pm #299519anitaParticipant
Dear Yu :
I think it is a good idea to cancel the wedding, that this is not good for you and that you deserve better.
“he said I’m acting like a child who is not getting his way”- reads to me that he is acting like an unloving, bully-type parent to you, and it will be a bad, bad idea to make it so that he really will be that bully-parent to a child the two of you will bring into the world after you get married.
He told you “he didn’t care about my feelings”, yes, better cancel.
anitaJune 17, 2019 at 10:34 pm #299577greenshadeParticipant
The incident itself is concerning, but his response to it is even more so.
“I told him I was not comfortable with them being our godparents. And he told me to get over it because he won’t change it, he is the one taking decisions and he won’t let them out”. This is a major life decision that requires your input. It is not right for him to make this decision on his own.
“He told me he wouldn’t discuss anything and I was wasting his time.” It is important to discuss any and all problems that occur in the relationship so that resentment and anger don’t build and so that his and your needs are met. You need to be able to voice your concerns and have them heard.
These are definitely red flags and should not be ignored. I would definitely take time to think before taking the relationship further.
MJune 21, 2019 at 8:48 pm #300299SusanParticipant
Dear Yu, I know this is a very stressful time for you but please do not get married to this man….at least not till you feel strongly that he is right for you. The one thing that stood out for me was if he is disrespectful and uncaring about your feelings now…what makes you think he will improve his behavior when you are married?…it won’t, best wishes, S