Dear Ashley:

You shared that your husband (let’s refer to him as H) had an affair with his co-worker (let’s refer to her as W). You found out about it in June 2021, separated (but not divorced) in Sept 2021. W gave birth to H’s son sometime later on, and in Nov 2022, the two of you confessed your love for each other, H apologized for the affair profusely and expressed regret that it ever happened (except that he does not regret having his son)

“I’ve always had trust issues with people..  I’m trying to move on from the past and get on with my life but… I always assume the worst now. I would like any tips to help restore my trust in him and stop myself from thinking so negatively about everything. Thanks in advance!“-

– You are welcome. You had trust issues and expected the worst before you met him, but it doesn’t mean that H is worthy of your trust, and that things are likely to turn out well once you live together again. You wrote that “things were terrible” between the two of you around the time he had the affair, can you share more about it (I am asking because I want to learn about his trustworthiness or lack of)?

anita

Hi Ashley

I’m sorry to hear that he cheated on you. It’s horrible that he betrayed you like that.

I’m curious, why do you still love someone who treat you so terribly? What about him do you love?

Would you mind providing a little more context? How long were you both together for? Do you have any children together?

It’s difficult because as you are probably aware he’s quite likely to do the same thing again if you got back together. Is he still with his most recent partner whilst he has been saying all of these things to you?

A relationship therapist might be a good idea for both of you if he is actually serious about getting back together.

Dear Ashley:

“It’s more of a matter of not being able to move on. I keep wondering what I could’ve done differently. Also, I can’t seem to get the image out of my head. Those are my main problems”-

-to stop regretting the past and wishing to undo it, or change it (an impossibility, as you  know), and to stop being troubled by the image or images of him cheating, practice Radical Acceptance.

From psychology today. com/ radical acceptance: “Key Points: * Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s terms and not resisting what one cannot or chooses not to change. *Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing. It’s simply exhausting to fight reality, and it doesn’t work. * Resisting reality delays healing and adds suffering to one’s pain.”

You can read more about the topic there and elsewhere. You can read about Acceptance (not necessarily with the prefix radical) if you go to the top of the tiny buddha main page, click on BLOG, scroll down to Mindfulness & Peace, and go to ACCEPTANCE. There are articles there on the topic. Also, if you wish, you are welcome to post again on your thread, and I will gladly communicate with you further.

anita

Hi Ashley

It sounds like you’re doing all of the right things! Well done on taking care of yourself and your family.

How have you both been managing the parenting relationship between you? Are things going well?

It sounds like you’re on the way to moving on. Like anita said, it will take some time to build that trust.

Do you have any activities that reduce anxiety? When you notice yourself getting anxious. Self-soothing and bringing down your overall anxiety level will help your emotions and thoughts stabilise.

Hi Ashley

That’s a great sign that you have been co-parenting well together! I wish you both all of the best 🙏