Dear Maggie:

Here is a summary of your story as you shared it here: You knew a married man, a co worker,  for six years and then had an affair with him for a year and a half. The affair consisted of meeting him in person about twice a month for a few hours each time, and speaking on the phone daily, sometimes for hours at a time. You characterized the affair as “emotional and about communication rather than lust”.

Almost three months ago, Nov, over a year into the affair, his wife found out something about the affair, “was extremely hurt and told his three children aged 5, 7 and 10 that Daddy is a liar and cheat and loves another family. They begged with him to not leave so he didn’t”.

A month later, Dec, he told you that he decided to leave his wife, then he told his wife more about the affair and how he felt about you. Her response: “She beat him up, smashed his phone up and told the children many things”.

Next, his wife called you and asked you to tell her what happened, whether you and her husband “were going to run off in the sunset together”, and “why we had cheated on his children”. Next thing, two days after he told you that he will leave his wife,  he told you that he will stay with his wife and children, that it was the “right thing to do  for the children”.

After that he called you a few more times from his work place, told you that his wife “is constantly verbally abusive in front of the children”, that “He has no life now but needs to do this”, and that “He is certainly not allowed to talk to (you)”. Currently, the status of the affair is that the two of you “have barely spoke in recent weeks”

You wrote at the beginning of your original post: “I never agreed to with affairs, if your wanting to have a relationship  with someone else then end your current relationship”- but you did have an affair with a married man who was and is living with his wife and three young children. You didn’t wait for him to end his marriage. In other words, you did in practice what you believe is the wrong thing to do.

Later you wrote: “I never asked him to leave (his children) for me”- but you hoped and expected him to do that.

You wrote: “He is trying to fix his family and I want him to  do so”- it is not true, you didn’t want him to fix his marriage, you wrote so yourself, that you “hope that he will leave her”.

You wrote that you “don’t believe in staying in marriage for children’s sake”-

I believe that whatever is better for the children, that is what should be done. If it is better for the children that their parents separate and divorce, then that should be done. Children need a safe, peaceful home. Living with one parent who  is calm is clearly a better situation for the children than living with two parents who fight.

Problem is that neither you, nor their father thought seriously about what is best for the children. I think that what concerned you was what is best for you, what feels good for you. You neglected a responsibility we all have for children, be it  ours or other people’s children, to seriously think about their well-being, their emotional health.

He, their father, should not have told her anything more about the affair in Dec. If he wanted to end the marriage, he should have started divorce proceedings and maybe take his wife and children to counseling as preparation for the separation.

When he told her more about the affair in Dec, it was as if he expected her to say: okay, I understand. Well, I will go to the courts then and start a divorce. Thank you for letting me know what is happening in your life and I wish you and your girlfriend a happy and prosperous life.

You wrote that he had trouble with his wife before the affair with you. It is not reasonable that he would expect her reaction to be what I stated above. And indeed she didn’t react that way, instead she smashed his phone and beat him up.

anita