Afraid of commitment?

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    I am a 20 year old college student and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve come to realize that this is by choice. I’ve had a few guys from high school to now who wanted to get to know me, but I try hard to keep our relationship just friendly. I’ve also recently come to realize that I may be afraid of commitment and unwilling to accept someone into my life.

    But the thing is I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship. I read all the teen fiction novels from Hunger Games to Twilight fantasizing about love. When I was little, I would see the adults around me who weren’t happy and seemed to have just settled with each other. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to reject love but i also want to be in a loving relationship. I’ve always wanted to be but never allowed myself.

    I have close friends who are in relationships and the joke about finding me someone. But I’ve done my own thing for so long, I wonder if i will ever get the chance. There is a guy now who is interested in me, and I don’t know how to approach the situation.

    How do I stop being my own worst enemy in this regard?


    Dear Kaylen;

    The guy who is interested in you, are you interested in him, or would like to find out if you are?

    If so, meet him for coffee  or tea (I hope this is something not outside the norm for 20 year old), and talk. Don’t enter a relationship with him, just talk about the possibility. Don’t make a decision in one day, or one week, no rush. The process of getting to know a young man, and for him to get to know you, should be interested by itself.

    Before you figure out if you are afraid of commitment, and before you get overwhelmed with the concept of being in a relationship- talk with a guy about anything and everything, considering a relationship but being in no hurry whatsoever to enter one.

    What do you think?



    That makes a lot of sense. And yes I am interested. I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with him or just get to know him. But it definitely sounds nice just going out for coffee or tea and getting to know him. Thanks so much. But does this not mean that I’m afraid of commitment, because I feel like I shouldn’t be this hesitant and my peers aren’t as hesitant as I am to be in a relationship?


    Dear Kaylen:

    You are welcome.

    “I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with him or just get to know him”- first get to know a man, then decide if it is a good idea for you to be in a relationship with him. Going about it the other way around brings about a lot of misery for a lot of people.

    “I feel like I shouldn’t be this hesitant and my peers aren’t as hesitant as I am to be in a relationship?”- maybe they are more afraid being alone than being in a committed relationship, and maybe you are more afraid of the second than the first. But everyone is afraid of something.

    The wise way to go about life is to make informed choices. Choosing a partner for a committed relationship is a huge choice leading to many life events such as buying a home together and having children, so better make an informed choice. Informed means information, and how do you gather  information about a potential partner if not by getting to know him through many conversations and over time, getting to know him in different contexts and circumstances?

    So, first thing first, get to know this particular man. Notice this: let’s say you suggest to meet him for coffee, suggesting getting to know him without getting involved sexually, and he agrees, telling you this is what he wants, but right after the first coffee date, or during, he proceeds to pressure you to have sex with him, right there you learn something about him- that he is not honest and his interest is primarily casual sex, game over.

    I will be glad to offer you input on the information you gather about this man if you do go on a coffee/ tea date with him. On a separate note, if you want to share about what you suspect to be your fear of commitment, because of relationships between couples that you observed in your life, do so and we can look into it here.

    I will be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours from now.


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