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After 3 years dumped at 60.

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  • #380954
    DrB
    Participant

    Relationship for three years.  Abruptly she tells me we are really just great friends.  Never once having brought it up. Blindsided l left to for home. She calls to tell it was my happiness not hers. Then ceases all communication until after 4 weeks we texted. Refuses to see me. Her treatment if what was a big investment has me livid. She gave me no voice. Worse ditched a fun deal. I am 60. I wasted three years on her. She was the mate of my dreams especially after leaving an abusive 29 year marriage.

    I wont trust again. Im not a big social person. I dont know what healing is. I do know i knew better as she is a lifelong serial dater with her only marriage ending by her choice after 3 years. Drags a couple of old boyfriends along in secret. Even after i asked her to end it or I didn’t want to start. One she kept in the open as a Labrador retriever. The other i caught her in a lie. She said it was over but up until the day I discovered it eas sending him money in prison. He is a con artist investor got caught stealing 21+ million from people who trusted him.
    I thought we were different but at three years like clockwork she said we were just great friends and shut me off with exception to a few bs lines about my happiness being more important to her than her own.  Six weeks later we text some out of sheer loneliness. I know she cares for bur she is not coming back.

    I am miserable for ignoring the signs of her life. Now after giving her three years i am 60 and screwed. I love who I thought she was. I hate the one i know now.  I am so sad i really dont want to see anyone let alone trust ever again. She is 48. Ive even looked at dating sites and to be honest almost all the women i see are just not appealing to me. So im kinda hopeless and wishing my God will just bring me home. Alone and lonely does not appeal to me.

    i guess it is celavie but now i just want be done here  period  no more therapy  no more pills  it does not help. I love her but she does not.
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    #380966
    anita
    Participant

    Dear DrB:

    “I love who I thought she was, I hate the one I know now… I love her but she does not”- it is almost a universal story: falling in love not with the person, but with whom we need the person to be. Even when we hate the one we know, we still need them to be someone else, and we keep craving that someone else.

    For me and for so many, the first heartbreak, the first “I love her but she does not”, happens in childhood: the child loves his/ her mother deeply, completely, unconditionally.  Most often, the mother does not reciprocate that quality of love, and the result: the child experiences his first unrequited love, his first heartbreak.

    Fast forward, the man falls in love with a woman, needing her to reciprocate that quality of love that he is still craving. Of course, this may not be true to your individual story. Is it?

    anita

    #381522
    wig
    Participant

    Dr B.

    Your writing all of this is good for you. Get rid of that toxic waste. Feel your feelings. They’re valid. Her loss not yours.  Concentrate on you for now. Take care of yourself. You are grieving the loss of someone you thought you loved.

    I am disillusioned myself, & about same age as you but trying to take care of myself mentally & physically. I don’t want to be emotionally bulldozed ever – so right now I’m my best friend. I have bad days but now Ive noticed that they are getting fewer as I nurture the relationship I have with myself (& yes sometimes its depressing to be doing so at the 11th hour … )

    Remind yourself that although this feels so dam hurtful that it’s for the better – and also good that you haven’t spent one extra minute (!) with someone who is clearly toxic for you.

    Just take it one (bad or good) day at a time. The rest will follow naturally.

     

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