Dear Malakai:

“I have felt like I was too needy at times, and I do regret it” – in what ways did you behave too needily?

It may be that because of his childhood experience, even a little neediness felt too much neediness, in his mind.

You read like such a lovely person, I can’t imagine it not being a loss for him, to not be in a relationship with you. (I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours).

anita

Dear Malakai:

I want to reply further to you in a few hours or on Wed morning, which is in about 14 hours from now. You are welcome to post more, anytime.

anita

Dear Malakai:

I hope that this is not the end of our communication. it was interesting and engaging for me to communicate with you so far. I will respect it being the end, if it is, of course.

anita

Dear Malakai:

No need to apologize for a delayed reply because you are under no obligation to reply according to any timeline, or to reply at all. The reason I apologized earlier for my delay in replying is that in a post before, I stated the time when I would reply but did not honor it. And so, if you want to reply, do so at any time. I am glad that you are back because I am particularly interested in communicating with you.

Having what you shared in your recent post in mind, I reread your previous posts. These are my thoughts:

“I cannot seem to place a time where I would have felt like a bother as a child in all honesty” – I think that the reason you cannot remember a time when you felt like a bother as a child because you were not a bother as a child. You were careful to not be a bother.

“I cannot understand where this fear began from” – I think that the fear of being a bother to your parents began when (1) Any one of your parents, or both,  disapproved of you expressing a strong need for their attention and care, and/ or (2) Any one of your parents, or both, were overly busy and worried about other things, so they were not available to pay attention to you and attend to what you needed from them.

“As far back as I can think I would often worry about telling my mother I felt sick, for example, because I didn’t want to worry her. To this day I am the same way, I prefer taking care of myself first before I resort to telling her anything about my physical or emotional well-being” – your mother is perhaps the overly worried one of the two parents, and you didn’t want to add to her worries by telling her about you being sick or feeling badly. You restrained your need for care, holding it in, so to not burden her.

“I have also been afraid for a very long time to ask my father for things, maybe as an example I can give needing to buy something, because I have been afraid of burdening him. I feel this could stem from my father’s general personality and attitude, since he’s more of a stoic person who doesn’t show much of his emotions” – online definition of stoic: “A person who accepts what happens without complaining or showing emotion”, “not affected by or showing passion”, “firmly restraining response to pain or distress”. Here is what Wikipedia says about stoicism: “Stoicism teaches the development of self-control and fortitude as a means of overcoming destructive emotions”.

I am thinking that your father disapproved of you feeling and expressing your need for attention and care. Maybe he disapproved of you having passion for life, considering all strong emotions destructive and therefore, in need to be restrained. He was passionless and expected you to be like him, perhaps, passionless.

“I met someone I still would classify as a man I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet… that person I had always dreamt of finding… I’ve always wanted to be with somebody motivated and passionate… He was an artist with a passion for art” – during your whole childhood, you needed a parent who was motivated and passionate about you, a parent who allowed you to be passionate about life!

“He was funny and charming” – you needed a parent who was not overly worried and stoic, but lighthearted!

“He expressed an interest in me and the things I liked…  I felt safe with him … he was very gentle with me, very considerate of me and my feelings and he would often check up on me throughout the day. He made almost every first move in our relationship… And whenever he looked at me, I felt like he saw only me. It was as if him and I were the only people in the world, his attention was all on me when we were together” –

– He was, for a while, all that your parents were not: he expressed an interest in you and in what you liked, he was gentle with you and considerate of you and your feelings, he checked on you throughout the day, he initiated contact with you, his attention was all on you, and as a result, you felt seen, heard, cared for and you therefore felt safe with him.

“I feel like him breaking up with me was motivated exactly because he knew I got too emotionally invested in him… I have felt like I was too needy at times, and I do regret it… maybe I overdid it with wanting to see him almost every day… whenever I’d have even the slightest bit of free time… I rushed into things very quickly as I really did have a strong emotional investment in him” – like a child who longed for candy for too long, finding herself unexpectedly in a candy store, the child excitedly rushes to eat as much candy as possible, and she eats too much in a short period of time. When you met him, you thought he was different from your parents and from all other people in your life, you felt that he was The One with whom you could finally feel and express your emotions and passion for life. You were excited about this unique opportunity, so you overdid it.

What he expressed to you when breaking up with you and afterwards indicates that maybe, by societal/ cultural standards, you expressed too much, too fast: “I don’t think I can reciprocate your feelings… it was too much one sided“.

“I was more than excited to spend my time with him and further get to know him, to make sure he truly was that person I had always dreamt of finding. In the beginning I was very afraid to let myself be happy since before things have happened in such a way that I would get my hopes up about something only to see it crumbling shortly after. But seeing the way he acted around me, seeing the way he looked at me I was sure that for once I could let go of that fear, I was almost certain that maybe this time things would be different” –

– You “always dreamed of finding” what you never had: an opportunity to fully feel and fully express your feelings, likes, dislikes, creativity and passion for life with another person. You hoped that he was the one with whom you could do that, “almost certain that maybe this time things would be different”- different from all the other times when you and your feelings and passion were ignored, or worse: treated like a burden, something to avoid?

If my understanding is accurate, then what it will take next time you have this kind of opportunity, would be to authentically express yourself but in moderation, bit by bit, pacing yourself.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .

Dear Malakai:

“I do agree that maybe in the future I should express myself with more moderation. Even though losing this relationship with my ex was a very painful experience, I do believe I’ve learned quite a valuable lesson about myself out of it” – you have the right attitude, to learn from previous experience and make your life better for it.

In the quote above, you mentioned the word “moderation” which means the avoidance of excess or extremes. You then added the information that your mother did not practice moderation regarding her mothering of you. You wrote: “I’ve found overbearing men to be too much for me, maybe exactly because I’ve always had an overbearing mother“.

An overbearing mother, like the prefix over suggests, watches over her child and involves herself in the child’s life excessively/ to the extreme. Looking at a website on the topic, optimistic mind. com/ overbearing mother, it says that another term for an overbearing parent is a helicopter parent, always hovering right above her child/teenager/ adult-child, watching, ready to land at any time with questions, opinions, criticisms, warnings, and/ or she excessively tells you about her personal difficulties at work, in her marriage or elsewhere, asking for your opinion. She just doesn’t let her child/ adult-child feel free to just be. She is excessively there, excessively demanding your attention, so much so that you don’t feel free to live your own life.

Another website, better help. com/ survival guide for dealing with an overbearing mother, reads: “Psychologists have actually determined that overbearing parenting is detrimental to a child’s health… Helicopter parenting can also lessen a child’s ability to make their own choices… People with overbearing mothers may be more likely to struggle making decisions, suffer from anxiety, have low self-esteem, and feel uncomfortable in leadership positions… Helicopter parenting can also wreak havoc on your ability to properly regulate your emotions, form social bonds, and communicate effectively with others… Helicopter parenting does far more than simply irritate or frustrate children; it can actually stunt emotional growth”.

Both websites offer suggestions. It so happens that I too had an overbearing mother, and I suffered from all the consequences of that misfortune, mentioned above. If sharing with you about it, maybe sharing with each other, helps you- I am willing.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .