GG,

I’m sorry for the struggles and difficulties you’re experiencing, and commend you on your past successes. Healing is a steady unfolding of different emotions and thoughts, and it is usual and normal for us to rise and fall like you’re describing. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The first and probably most important is that the process is not a fall to square one, as you noticed. Healing is an upward spiral, with each sun and moon phase increasing our wisdom. Said differently, when we are up, we see the conditions of our happiness, and when we fall, we feel the conditions of our painfulness. As we gain wisdom, we begin to shed the conditional nature and move toward unconditional.

For instance, as you rose, the fellowship process was a condition which you saw as good, proof of your development. In holding it in such a way, your happiness became interwoven with it. So as it was removed, the condition of the happiness was removed, and so there was painfulness naturally arising. Then all the thoughts and fears come back, and the joy becomes pushed out by your fear of the future, fear of being stuck, fear of failing.

It reminds me of playing the lottery. We buy a ticket, and our hope becomes invested in winning. Our mind begins to plan a future based off of the “unlimited” power and freedom. Then the numbers are called and we don’t win, and all of that energy is gone, the moments of dreaming crumble.

There is another way, however. We have the ability to generate unconditioned joyousness! When we accept the phases as just phases, that success is followed by failure is followed by success is followed by failure, we can abandon success and failure as marks of happiness. Instead, we move into the present moment. Said differently, we begin developing ourselves independently of the conditions of our life.

This is done through self nurturing and mindfulness practices. I find meditation to be the best way for me, but there are many. Self nurturing activities such as metta meditation, walking in nature, eating healthy, singing, bathing with candles and soft music, sincerely giving our time to the needs of others… all help to increase the stability to the warm feelings inside us. This gives us a natural resilience to being “swept away” by the successes and failures in life.

For mindfulness, concentration meditation is by far the best I’ve found (at least for me). Others are playing an instrument, creating art, non aggressive fast paced games. This allows us to notice and let go of the reactions our mind and body have to the situations we experience. This reduces the significance we place on each event.

Finally, the way we settle or let go of the painful experiences is by letting them pass through us. My teacher said that we don’t try to keep the wind out of our house by pushing the door closed, rather we open the back door and let it pass through. For instance, as you encounter the failure of the fellowship, it might seem normal to say “it is OK, because a success is coming soon” but that is just trying to push the failing away, making it less significant by replacing it with a future success. Instead, we can see that the fellowship is insignificant on its own. You did your best to grow a seed, and it didn’t take root. That happens in life. It has nothing to do with you, it is just the way of gardening. So we let it go and reach back into the bag of seeds (desires) and plant some more. Some may take root and blossom, some might not. As we accept that, we realize that we are the momentum, that it is the reaching into the pouch at our waist and planting more seeds that all of the real growth happens. Said differently, fellowship or not-fellowship, there you are doing your best. Depression or happiness, there you are doing your best. We keep reaching inside and jumping into new experiences, new attempts at helping the garden grow.

Which is something you’re already doing, and have been doing for a looooong time. Its OK, you’re doing fine. The sun shone and the grass grew. The moon rises and the shadows deepen. Its a process that helps our wisdom become deep and lasting, as we accept that, pain becomes wonderful information on how to become more skillful.

With warmth,
Matt

Great Going,

Depression is something that I’ve experienced off and on throughout my life. I understand the fear of becoming depressed again!

Cheri Huber wrote a great little book, The Depression Book, filled with simple tips for managing depression. I found it to be very helpful in the way I viewed depression in general.

Best wishes,

Loran

Great Going, I am so glad what I said was helpful. You exhibit a great deal of self awareness, and I think you will find that to be a really important part of your journey upwards.

I love your poem – it’s very insightful. Thank you for sharing. Would it be terribly rude to ask you if you might email it to me, possibly (with your permission and with full credit to you) to use it in my work (I’m a coach), perhaps on a blog? I’m not sure how, just yet, but I feel instinctively that it might help some other people too. If you would be happy to allow this, drop me an email at liz@humannaturedevelopment.com. But at the same time I would totally understand if you would rather not.