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Great Going

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  • #42076
    Great Going
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and insight.

    Liz, it really hit home for me when you talked about how one can retreat to the familiar after a setback, even if it is negativity that is familiar. During that great upswing period where I was making a lot of progress in understanding myself and the way my mind and emotions interacted with each other, I came to see just how much I allowed negativity to dictate my life. No accomplishment was enough, no recognition or good time or relationship could somehow ‘prove’ to me that I was worthy or capable of future success. I wrote this poem about it actually in the spring:

    I think to myself,
    ‘I’m happy’
    And I feel the need to
    Knock on wood.
    Is contentment a jinx?
    Has my ‘realism’ been a choice all
    This time?
    I’m afraid to lose
    These eggs sunny side up
    When they’ve always been
    Scrambled
    Or hard boiled
    Before.
    I’m nervous
    Looking for clouds on the horizon.
    Can this really be?
    Can this really last?
    Have I found the way to
    Walk with myself
    And let worry
    Find it’s own way home?

    So I guess you can see there that I was even a little anxious about finding the peace that I had discovered. But it shows me that it’s possible. I know it’s not gone, and that I am gaining tools to continue on my path.

    Matt, thanks for your beautiful words. I think a returning to the basics of the present, the sensations that keep me calm/give me peace will be helpful. Meditation is something that I’ve attempted in the past but I really think I ought to try again. Loran, I will be sure to check out that book!

    Again, I really appreciate all of your insight and will take care to try and remind myself of these words as I go forward. I love the imagery of the cha-cha and the upward spiral 🙂

    #41846
    Great Going
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your response. I am definitely still coming to terms with my depression. My father is bipolar and my sister struggles with mental illness so it’s been a process for me to accept that depression is something that I too must learn to manage. Growing up I put a lot of pressure on myself to be different than my sister especially, to be the ‘successful’ daughter. This, of course, set up me up for a lot of pain. Any sign of sadness or anxiety, I was on the road to becoming ‘like them.’ So I denied the struggle I was feeling for a long time and I know that was unhealthy.

    I painted things in very black and white terms. In the same way, I think that even as I was feeling a lot more grounded a few months ago and learning to have more compassion for myself, I still thought of things in binary terms. Me depressed vs. me then, ‘better.’ I’m learning that it really is a process, one that I will come to understand more as time goes on.

    I commend you for all of your work to better your self and thanks again for your kind words.

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