June 21, 2013 at 3:54 pm #37283LaiaParticipant
I have fallen in love with a very unavailable man.. He is in the armed forces and we have spent more time apart than together.. I do not cope well with the time apart.. The non contact..i feel so greedy with him.. it actually feels like an obsession.. I have broken up with him like four times because I need to make some space in my head.. but he never leaves my thoughts.. Ever… Its is nearly driving me crazy…then he comes back and I give in… He has now just called me and is finished his mission.. he’s back and we are going to meet…
I prayed for this intensely I even gave a time limit for him to return and now he has almost to the date.. It feels sometimes like we are really supposed to be together.. But I suffer too.. I read this site regularly.. I am trying with all my heart and soul to let go but absolute fear grips me.. I feel so exposed with this man.. so vulnerable.. it makes me want to run away…I don’t know what my lesson is.. Whether he is here to teach me something or whether I should run away and find someone who has less of an impact on me..
He is unaware of how I feel.. I think he sees me as being needy which in some respects I am… I really do not know if I can stay in this relationship as it looks like we will be spending quite a long time apart… the thought of either option. breaking up or staying together both terrify me.. I have never loved anyone or been in a relationship like this before.. I don’t think he realises the effect this all has on me.. I don’t know if he feels the same..
HAs anyone ever experienced this and if so what did they do.. should I keep going and see what I will learn.. good or bad it has something valuable I need to see.. or should I remove myself from this and not take the risk..i want this and I don’t want it almost in equal proportions.. he has just finished probably a very stressful experience as he is in the US army and the last thing he needs is me freaking out every five minutes.. I have no idea what he has been through and he moves between being very open and close to me to being very cold and distant.. It kills me…
He is so overwhelmed by his life.. Which is very complicated..
I feel like I am going crazy…… I should see him soon and I want to get my mind straight before I do.. any advice would be welcome..June 22, 2013 at 6:37 am #37297VanessaParticipant
Hi Laia … I read your post and my heart went out to you. It must be very hard indeed to love someone who is so “unavailable” – both physically and (reading between the lines) emotionally too. I haven’t been in your situation as such so really I’m just writing to say you’re not alone and I care about you. I can totally understand why you feel you are going crazy. If I were to give you any advice at all it would be to “wait and see”. Take one day at a time and don’t rush into anything. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Try to find a quiet place inside yourself and the right path will become clear. Love, Vanessa xJune 22, 2013 at 8:29 am #37300JohnParticipant
The word “obsession” really jumped out at me because I have been there before and it’s not a pleasant place to be. If life has taught me anything, is that obsessions of any kind are not a healthy way of going through life. You can love something or someone, be passionate, or enthused, but to develop an emotional attachment that verges on obsession will always result in pain and suffering.
Whenever I feel obsessed, I recognize that I’m doing so because the foundation on which I’m standing is not very stable and I’m clinging on to something or someone outside of myself in order to find comfort and stability.
So I would ask, if you look under your feet, how would describe the foundation on which your standing? How stable do you feel in your life? Are you standing on a strong rock that allows you to see the world clearly? Or do you feel like you are are on a wobbling life raft in the middle of the ocean in search of a passing boat to come by?
If your foundation is not strong and if you can’t feel the firm rock beneath your feet, you will naturally cling to people and things outside of yourself. And remember, nothing outside of you is that stable, permanent, or secure. Stability and security have to come from within first if you are to ever build a strong and healthy bond with others.June 23, 2013 at 8:27 am #37319LaiaParticipant
I ended it by text… And have blocked him from contacting me… I am not proud of how I handled it but I feel like I had to protect myself.. He is hurting me over and over again.. I have told him how his behaviour is hurting me but nothing changes.. I feel numb… I don’t want to let go… But I don’t see any other option…I know this will be painful but I can not love someone who continually rejects me…I am sad for us both… part of me realises this is the right thing to do and another part is secretly wishing he will fight for me… we all deserve to be feel loved and I recognise his rejections make me want his love and approval even more… This is all ego.. I can’t pretend any more… I also feel slightly relieved to not have carry around all this jealousy and pain… And I am truly thankful for this website to you John and Vanessa… I don’t feel so alone when I can come here and share my feelings…
xJune 23, 2013 at 10:48 am #37356VanessaParticipant
Dearest Laia …My heart goes out to you, you must be feeling battered and bruised. But I think you *can* be proud of how you handled it. It may not have been elegant, but you put yourself and your peace of mind first and that is a good thing. You tried honest communication, it didn’t work. Now it’s time to look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I thought John’s reply was full of wisdom … find the stability and security inside yourself and go from there. When you find yourself secretly wishing for the love and approval he couldn’t give you, focus on the feelings of relief you described … I think they are telling you that this relationship wasn’t healthy and that you did the right thing. The right thing is often painful, so above all … be kind to yourself. Thinking of you x Vanessa