Writing from a throwaway account.

Since some time, every little thing or statement has started becoming an attack on my personal self/ego. I am on a constant look out for situations where anyone messes up or where I perceive that someone has, and then I retaliate, often very angry and with a very destructive and suicidal attitude. The attitude has come about because, in my mind, I am ready to see things/relations destroyed so that finally I can leave everything and everyone behind and either end up homeless on streets or kill myself. My mind has made a decision of embracing complete destruction and so I am not afraid of speaking or acting rashly. At some point, I do realize that it is rash, but then I am unable to stop as the mind rationalizes that I am already on a destructive path; turning back at this point, after quite an amount of damage (in my work and life, and on my mind) has already been done, looks impossible and unnecessary. I think I am stuck in a position where I want continuous revenge.

I have been trying saying affirmations from Louise Hay’s book, but my mind tells me they are lies and that even if they are true I do not deserve to get better. Teachings of Buddhism were a part of support I had, but they too have become a source of pain.