It happened a week ago. The woman I had been seeing for the past 6 months told me she wanted to break up. I thought we were in a lull, but as it turned out, we were at the end. It was sweet the way she did it and it was hard for both of us, which is a good sign. If it meant nothing, there would be no pain. We were both glad for the experience of being together, at least for awhile. There was a lot of good there and a lot of beauty expressed. I will always feel love for her, because she is whole in her greatness and her broken-ness. She is fully human, and I got to see it. I feel grateful for the experience.
All that being said, I feel like crap right now a lot of the time and am emotionally up and down. I feel like someone has chopped a hole in the world I see and there is a piece missing. I am abstaining from any alcohol for awhile to let myself feel every bit of what there is to feel. I am noticing the difference between how I felt in the relationship and how I feel now, examining the root causes of these feelings, and seeing a therapist twice a month that I go to from time to time to keep some perspective and keep from lying to myself.
I will not stay stuck in a funk forever, and this “broken up” phase will pass. I have been through this before through losses of loved one’s to death, and on the other side by initiating breakups, but I had never had someone break up with me that I wanted to be with (and had it stick). I have felt tortured before by thoughts of a lover gone, written poetry to work it out, and had to work my way back to healthy thinking. I hope I am better at it this time.
Inspiration comes for me in a few things. The poem, “The Guest House” by Rumi (as interpreted by Coleman Barks) is a good reminder to welcome the feelings and feel them fully. I feel a little less alone in these feelings by listening to the live version of “Old Love” by Eric Clapton on YouTube, along with “The kind of love we’re in” by Freedy Johnston. Sometimes when someone tells me how they don’t ever want to feel sad again, I ask them, “What part of the human experience do you not want to have?”.Well here it is, this part of the human experience.
Now I will take a break from love relationships for awhile, clean out the cobwebs, get emotionally healthy, and be ready for the next woman in my life. She will come, I have no doubt, and I will be ready. First I have feel the wholeness of myself that is always truly there. When a woman arrives in my life again, there needs to be room for her, and I owe her the offer of an uncluttered heart to hold.