Home→Forums→Tough Times→Alone, in bad health, and depressed on Christmas eve.
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Eliana.
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December 24, 2017 at 11:51 am #183439
ElianaParticipantI am sorry this is about me, and depressing. I normally enjoy helping others on here, and being as encouraging and positive as I can. I appreciate you (if anyone) is reading this. Just need an ear. I have no family. I am alone every year on Thanksgiving, Easter, Christmas, Christmas Eve. I am sitting here in my efficiency, looking at Christmas cards from friends, who have families and are at their families right now, eating dinner, opening presents, laughing. I sit here alone, crying, looking at my decorations that few have noticed since I don’t get many visitors. And looking at two boxes from friends in two different states. Don’t even feel like opening them. Who wants to open presents alone.
Normally, I am used to this. My Dad..(last of my family, passed in 2008), but even when I had family, I was always treated like an “outsider” or “blacksheep”. Like I never really belonged, being on the outside, looking in, not even being invited to family reunions, funerals, nieces or nephews graduations. No one came to my college graduation, not even my own father who claimed to “love me, more than anything in his world”. All he said was my college education was a huge waste of money and it took me “forever” to graduate. At the time, my furniture got stolen from “friends” I went through the worst Break-up in my life, worked two jobs, but I did graduate with honors, but no one cared. I had my college diploma mailed to me. I had a friend take me out to see a jazz band and out for drinks to celebrate, but that’s about it.
Now, my health is getting worse. In the past three weeks I have gone to ER, four times, for the same problem. They no longer know what to do for me. They are usually rude when I go in, but I have to go out of pain and desperation. I see a Gastroenterologist for this problem, but all he does is throw pill after pill to me, or tell me to eat more fiber, (which only makes things worse). He is always so busy making rounds at the hospital that I hate calling his office because although they have been nice to me, I can tell they are starting to become annoyed, because there is nothing much more they can do for me. This problem started when I stopped taking opiods due to a bad car accident in 2009. My digestive system Has shut down. I have lost over 70 pounds. I stopped the opiods cold turkey in April, and my digestive system is still a mess. I have tried everything, yet I can only eat one meal a day. I pray for God to take my life every night before bed, and spare someone else’s. I have nothing to live for. I can’t live like this anymore. I have lost hope, that I will get better. I am tired of the laxatives just to flush, as there will be 2 weeks where I can’t have a bowel movement. I am constantly cramping, stomach pain, bloating, (sorry for TMI). I have a colonoscopy scheduled in February, and am so scared of the “C” word. I broke my toe on the leg of my coffee table a year ago, they took x-rays, said it was “a clean break” but they did not tape it in ER, nor did follow up with podiatrist three weeks later. They just said “it was healing nicely” but it was be a bit deformed, (hamnertoe), now I am having complications a year later, and went back to ER, they said “nerve damage” and possible amputation of my foot, and referred me back to podiatrist for appointment in January. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel very much alone. Please don’t tell me to go to church, etc. I don’t have transportation. I am on Social security disability. Very low income. We can’t ask for rides where I live. They are trying to kick me out of here, and put me in assisted living, but Medicare won’t pay. Neither will they pay for nursing home. I have no savings. I do try to volunteer at animal shelter when I can, but I am getting too sick and weak from losing so much weight. I just want to go to hospice and give up. But my case manager gets on me for any kind of this way of thinking. I feel there is no hope for me. Sorry this is long. Thanks for reading.
December 24, 2017 at 12:48 pm #183453
AnonymousGuestDear Eliana:
I am sorry you are having such a tough time. And no, I will not tell you to go to church. I don’t.
You are not alone this Christmas, being alone and feeling alone and lonely. There are many people feeling alone, even in the middle of those family events you envy, family events I used to envy, to look at from the outside, wishing, dreaming I was part of those.
I need to get away from the computer for about seventeen hours or so, as I do daily. Please post again here and I will read and reply when I am back. I hope other members reply as well. Thing is, it has been very slow here in the last week or so.
Take best care of yourself possible. Looking forward to read from you again.
anita
December 24, 2017 at 12:50 pm #183455AnonymousGuest* didn’t get submitted correctly…
December 24, 2017 at 4:11 pm #183465ElianaParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for reading and your kind reply. It really means alot to me. I felt somewhat better this afternoon, so I went upstairs to the 3rd floor kitchen, and ate an ice cream cone. My first one in a year. It excited me, as I barely eat anything anymore. The excitement faded rapidly though. It was snowing outside. A resident had come in who lives on third floor who was outside smoking. We were talking about nostalgic days, Christmas eve, and as kids going out and making snow angels and snowball fights. She said, “if it snows enough, maybe some of us could do that later..by the way, have you lost a lot of weight? Are you on medicine or something? You are shiveling away to nothing”. I’m sure she meant no harm in the statement, but I’m growing weary of the “pity looks” from the residents here, and all the remarks of my rapid weight loss. I just commented that I was not well, but seeing a specialist and trying to get better, then I locked up the kitchen, ended the conversation and left. I came back to my apartment and cried. So, I sit here alone on Christmas eve, feeling very sad and alone. I know you said, we are not alone, but I feel I have no one to talk to, and it is a subject that 42 million Americans suffer from, but very sensitive and people suffer alone out of embarrassment. I wish I had an answer, but everything is a dead end. They want me to go to assisted living here, but it costs over 3,000 a month and Medicare won’t pay for it. I just pray that the Doctor finds something to help me. Yes, it is very slow on here. Have a wonderful Christmas.
December 24, 2017 at 9:52 pm #183477
VJParticipantDear Eliana,
Yes, you are going through a difficult situation and I do have deep compassion towards you and your situation.
I have gone through your entire post and both of your posts. I will go straight to the point of issues.
I say that you cry. Continue to do what you are doing. Look at the gifts. Sit alone and cry. Cry as much as you can. Cry as much as you want.
The need to not cry or to not feel embarrassed in this loneliness is what causes most of this emotional pain and suffering.
So cry so much such that there is nothing left to cry about. This is therapeutic.
Then I suggest you to go through several articles on the internet on “things to do on Christmas if you are alone”.
Yes it is easier said than done but at least start to take things on a positive stride. That is the only way we can remain contented with ourselves and with life – by getting out of what our mind is telling. There are tons of articles on the above list and they are really beneficial. I am not sure of your likes and dislikes, so from the list of things search and pick the ones that resonate with you, anything that makes you feel better. They are especially designed if one is alone during this time of the festivities.
A day is passed and we do not spend it the way we wanted. So do something on this day such that if you look back you feel great about it.
So set a challenge here for yourself. Do something (or many things) this Christmas that you will never forget about…at least for the rest few months. Simply enjoy yourself. On the 26th, when you look back to this day, you will be happy and glad that you spent it this way. If you want to accept this challenge, then post here on the 26th on what all you did on Christmas to enjoy yourself :-). That’s ok if thoughts of depression, frustration come. Allow them to come. Be with them. Cry and get back to the enjoyment.
Also take a look at:
www(dot)theguardian(dot)com/commentisfree/2017/dec/24/alone-at-christmas-happy-solitude-relationships
[Submitting my post with links takes the post into infinite “awaiting moderation” stage.]
But I want to send this message out to you today. So replace the wordings (dot) with an actual dot in the above and below links.
I come from the land of yoga, the place of the origins of yoga – India. So I will suggest you on the same – something free and effective.
There is a yogic posture/exercise that works even if ones digestive system is shut down.
Its called “kapalbhati pranayama”. You can search for its benefits.
Most of the videos will be in Hindi (a spoken language in India) so I have searched for a few videos in English for you.
https://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=J3TgkXQuoPU
https://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=8UURgA8Rf7E
https://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=1VfSiy1yON0[remember to replace the (dot)]. Don’t skip any videos.
Since I do not fully know of your health conditions do a web search on who can do this and who cannot.
It is usually pregnant mothers, people with back pain who should not do, but the entire list is available all over the web. It is to be done slowly one per second and on an empty stomach.
You don’t have to spend anything or go anywhere. It’s free (simply to make use of our breath) and well known to get rid of any digestive problems.
Hope you to be back on track soon.
For now all I can say is that….
Even though you are alone today, but today is Christmas for you too!
Do you see how important you are to the Cosmos, to this Universe and to Life.
So Merry Christmas, enjoy yourself and have a wonderful day ahead!Take care,
VJDecember 24, 2017 at 9:56 pm #183475
AviParticipantEliana
I registered just to respond. You’ve always struck me as an intelligent and compassionate person so I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you’re facing. But you aren’t alone when you touch so many lives.
Wish I could invite you over tomorrow. Concentrate on healing and please know your life is the greatest gift. Watch a goofy holiday movie, open your presents, eat more ice cream and enjoy the beautiful snow. Sending you best wishes and admiration.
December 25, 2017 at 4:38 am #183497AnonymousGuestDear Eliana:
Posting to you is the first thing I do this Christmas Day, and for some reason this thought makes me smile. It is not opening gifts and there is no Christmas tree for me to look at (don’t celebrate holidays, really), only this screen and your thread.
Regarding some of the health problems you described in your original post:
You wrote that you took opioids in the past following an accident and you have suffered since, even though you no longer take opioids from chronic constipation. Chronic constipation as a result of taking opioids is referred to by some as OIC: Opioid Induced Constipation. You mentioned that taking in more fiber made things worse for you.
Did you make sure you drink more water/ fluid when taking in more fiber?
Being constipated, bloated, is very uncomfortable, as you know and does not induce appetite, doesn’t feel like eating when constipated and bloated, that may explain you eating less and losing weight. Do you think that may be it?
I read about you eating an ice cream cone, how that excited you but the excitement didn’t last long. I can relate as probably everyone does, the nature of excitement is such that it ends. Don’t we wish a good feeling will last and last…
It is Christmas Day, and I am glad to be posting to you first thing on this day. Hope you feel better and post again, anytime.
anita
December 25, 2017 at 6:38 am #183513ElianaParticipantTo VJ,
Thank you for taking the time to write me, I really appreciate the kind response and suggestions. Unfortunately, I was unable to find the “You Tube” videos you mentioned. I was able to find one, but unfortunately did not understand it very well. I do suffer from severe degenerative back pain, so any type of exercise besides walking is difficult for me. However, I will continue to look for ways that you mentioned to cheer myself up.
I did sleep in a little this morning. That made me feel nice. Right now, I am listening to George Michaels. He passed one year ago today, and he was my favorite singer/artist. So am enjoying Pandora. I live in Housing where there is constant paging, and it is quiet today with staff being gone, so am enjoying that. I just try to tell myself that today is another day, and it will pass, the holidays will be over soon. I do appreciate your suggestions, that meant alot to me.
Avi, thank you for your response. That was really nice what you said, and I hope to continue my compassion, and helping others. God bless you. I think what is getting me, are people’s snide comments about my rapid weight loss. First I was “Too fat” when I was on opiods, and eating everything I wanted, I weighed 208 pounds, and I am only 5’5 feet tall. I was also a borderline diabetic.
Now, I am 143, and people say I am “too thin”. It’s either I am too fat or too thin. Always negative remarks. I can’t win. I am no longer a borderline diabetic. They say it takes a year for your digestive system to return to “normal” after stopping Vicodin. I stopped last April, cold turkey after being on them for so many years. (plus Naproxen 500 and muscle relaxers) which I too have stopped, cold turkey. Sometimes, I wonder how much my body can take, and if I will live much longer. I was just out on Linzess. For people with unexplained severe constipation. But with that comes more problems, so they just sit, and I am nervous about taking them..the gastroenterologist has me on the highest dose, as sometimes I will go over a week without a bowel movement. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, although I don’t know if I have any. I need to stop being a coward and take them. Thank you again for your kindness.
Anita, sometimes the fiber helps, but they say that it can do more harm for people with severe constipation issues. I was constipated while on opiods. And am still constipated being off of them. My stomach rumbles all the time. I do drink plenty of water. I have to take stimulant laxatives, (Senna) just to flush, but I only take the lowest dosage and take it when absolutely necessary. I have tried Fiber Supplements, but they seem to make the problem worse. I just got off of “Citrucel”. I am running out of hope and options. I wish I knew the answers. Sometimes I have thought about getting back on opiods, just to get my life back, or to gain weight. I don’t remember my stomach rumbling or stomach pain being on them..just constipation. Being off of them has not made my life better. I am just so tired of pity Stares and comments. Thank you for being there. Have a great day.
December 25, 2017 at 7:05 am #183519AnonymousGuestDear Eliana:
One more thing regarding the rumbling and constipation: probiotics, was that suggested to you by a doctor and were you given probiotic tablets?
anita
December 25, 2017 at 8:41 am #183525ElianaParticipantHi Anita,
I have heard of Probiotic tablets, they are a bit expensive, and some have milk in them which is constipating. But I know there are some good ones out there. I have tried probiotic yogurt with different cultures and strains, at first it helped a bit then stopped. I don’t know which one to take, there are so many to choose from, it gets so confusing. I have only had one office visit with him. Most of the time, I have to go through a nurse or medical assistant and then they have to text him a message. It’s like they have so many hospital rounds doing colonoscopies, they don’t have time to give you the help you need. I did try to leave a message for him about a “digestive enzyme” but nothing. All he did was send in a prescription for Linzess and say follow up with his office in 2 weeks.
I have heard something about Phillips Colon Health is good, and Pearls probiotics, but so many, I don’t know which one is right for me..one with bb-12, Acidolohilus, Bifobacterium, etc. Thank you for the wonderful suggestion. I don’t have transportation, so would have to go on Amazon dot com to look.
December 25, 2017 at 8:59 am #183541AnonymousGuestDear Eliana:
Sometimes probiotic will work, at other times not. I wish there was one solution that will keep working consistently with this problem. The solutions I know to sometimes work, or work more efficiently for some people than for others:
* Increased fiber (more fruits, vegetables, or added wheat bran, psyllium husks…) and increased water.
* Probiotics (can’t think of a particular kind, but they need to be alive and lots of them)
* Exercise, fast walking is best.
* Relaxation, such as in doing slow yoga, or otherwise.
* Stimulant laxatives (dependency is a big problem, of course), enemas.
anita
December 25, 2017 at 9:40 am #183547VJParticipantHi Eliana,
I retried again and was able to open all 3 videos when I replaced (dot) with an actual dot (a period or a full stop).
www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=J3TgkXQuoPU
www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=8UURgA8Rf7E
www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=1VfSiy1yON0There are two of them in each link. Replace the entire word (dot) including the brackets.
So just make sure to take a close look at each moment of life and try to “connect the dots” by enjoying every single (dot) moment…. Just for laughs 🙂
Check out the videos and see if it can be done or not.
Another ancient India surefire remedy for chronic constipation and IBS is “Kayam tablets” made of ancient herbs.
They are very inexpensive, effective from the first day itself and non habit forming. I just looked up to see if they are available on Amazon, and they are.
[replace the words (dot) twice in the above link]
They are available as separate packs of 4,6 etc.
Just check out people’s reviews out there and see how effective they are.
Cheers,
VJ
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This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by
VJ.
December 25, 2017 at 9:43 am #183543VJParticipantHi Eliana,
I retried again and was able to open all 3 videos when I replaced (dot) with an actual dot (a period or a full stop).
https://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=J3TgkXQuoPU
https://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=8UURgA8Rf7E
https://www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=1VfSiy1yON0There are two of them in each link.
So just make sure to take a close look at each moment of life and try to “connect the dots” by enjoying every single (dot) moment…. Just for laughs 🙂
Check out the videos and see if it can be done or not.
Another ancient India surefire remedy for chronic constipation and IBS is “Kayam tablets” made of ancient herbs.
They are very inexpensive, effective from the first day itself and non habit forming. I just looked up to see if they are available on Amazon, and they are.
[replace the words (dot) twice in the above link]
They are available as separate packs of 4,6 etc.
Just check out people’s reviews out there and see how effective they are.
Cheers,
VJ
December 25, 2017 at 9:50 am #183561ElianaParticipantHi VJ,
Thanks again, I really appreciate you reposting them, I will definitely watch. Thank you for caring. Anita, I did some research and will be ordering the Acidophilus Pearls. I won’t be able to until my next check in January, they have high rankings, fairly inexpensive. Keeping my fingers crossed. I will also advise my Gastro I am doing this. Thanks again for all the caring and support you gave me. It means alot. It takes alot for me to ask for help.
December 25, 2017 at 9:58 am #183563AnonymousGuestDear Eliana:
You are welcome and please, do post anytime you need help. I for one, will reply. My response may be helpful or not, but my intent is definitely to be of some help, however small.
anita
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This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 