Always waiting for a better day

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 4 months ago by Matt.

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August 9, 2013 at 9:31 am #40055

Hope
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I’ve never wrote or talked about my thoughts to anyone apart for my other half who now has had enough of me.”bored” is what he said and too right.my thoughts are negative and self destructive.i tell myself a better day will come.I’m still waiting after years.i met my partner whom I love and devoted to.as soon as we declared our love to each other we had to part for various reasons.we kept in touch everyday and my love grew stronger for him.he needed me.i picked him up through tough times and always stood strong.we had a child together whom came early due to alot is stress.i continued to be positive and strong even when things got real tough.i alienated my family and friends moved home just so I could focus on my children and partner.to our delight i fell pregnant again with our son.just when I thought things were looking brighter and our future rosy,our son passed away just before the due date.i was stressed.my partner was stressed.we were devastated.i was all a blur.my partner took me to hospital in silence.i was numb.i remember being scared.i don’t remember the rest as I ended up on life support machine.i woke up confused lost despair every emotion possible.i woke to see my partner by my side.i was dazed but so relived to see him.he then told me he had moved out hates my children and that he was leaving me.i had been asleep for nearly two months.he came each day to see if I had woken up.my world collapsed.i begged pleaded cried and became an emotional wreck.he constantly drummed into me that everything was my fault and how horrid and nasty I was by him.i knew he was hurting.i waited focused on him and put my health last.as soon as I learnt to walk again I left hospital to support him.my mum died two weeks later.my kids turned on me for loving him still.he turned on me for loving the kids.im piggy in the middle.months have passed and I go back and forth trying to keep everyone happy.ive became isolated.no adult conversation as he refused to talk about anything.we sit in silence unless he wants anything.ive tried to open up to him but end up saying the wrong thing.he says he loves me still and does want to spend his live with me.he has his own issues with ex family he won’t talk to me about.i feel desperate and end up flying off the handle and such negative thoughts,that I will never be good enough for him.i feel angry as I need him right now and he refuses to give support.every time I try and walk away we don’t want to.I’m not so sure he wants me in his life any more.the life we have ahead is only when our children grow up and leave.can he wait that long.he says yes but his attitude say different.im confused very hurt and can’t wait for my better day.he’s gone away switching phone off and said he’s had enough of me and my ways.i am difficult and starting to blame him for no support.i can’t stand it no more.i want to feel calm and have patients and live in hope.hope is the only thing that keeps me going each day and I feel he’s taking that away from me and I’m destroying my own hopes and will ruin everything.i have to find a way to be patient and calm again.i still want to be a part of his life and want the love back without me destroying ourselves.

August 9, 2013 at 10:58 am #40057

Marilyn Briant-Rockmore
Participant

Hello Hope,

You’ve been through a lot and its hard to see clearly when so many emotions are affecting your judgement,especially when you are focused on someone else. Perhaps it is time to focus on yourself? It isn’t easy to be patient and calm when you are dependent on everything outside of you for your happiness.

It took me a long time to learn to love myself and feel comfortable with who I am, but the pain of the way I was living strengthened my desire to do this. It is only when we go inside and get to know and accept ourselves that anything in our lives change.

What I found difficult to learn, was that other people’s words and behaviors are theirs–they reflect who they are, not who I am. The only words and behavior I could change were mine. So I began to look inside myself and work out was was really important to me. We all make mistakes, we all get confused and we need to learn to be kind to ourselves, accept and forgive our mistakes.

Only when we are kind and loving to ourselves can we be loving and kind to others…

Love and peace,

Marilyn

August 9, 2013 at 12:40 pm #40066

Hope
Participant

Thank you for your kind advice Marilyn.
One of my biggest desires is to feel happy and confident again without being dependant on others.everything changed for me when I woke.i remember thinking I need my life to change for the better for myself and my loved ones.everyone keeps telling me to be happy and they miss the person i was before.i feel I’ve changed but don’t know the new me.i cant go back to the happy happy person they believed me to be.i don’t know how.everything I wanted and had that made me feel happy and content is gone.i apologise day after day for offending anyone.i hate hurting people especially ones I love.i can’t seem to express myself without frustration anymore.ive become dependant on my partner and look for his approval.i genuinely do love him and feel over the moon when we are happy.i long to laugh again.i used to make everyone smile,believing its good for the soul.it made me happy.now I feel if all my positive feelings are sucked out of me and becoming bitter.i can see it.i long for my family to be happy again.since my return everything seems so dark.i try and talk to my partner and he just switches off or ignores me totally.i now get upset and said and threw things back at him I shouldn’t have.i can’t forgive myself and don’t see how he will to.i overly obsess and worry to the point I feel hysterical inside and the guilt is killing me and he knows it too,which I feel upsetting too.i need to help myself but so so lost.i feel I can’t focus on myself until everyone is ok.how much space is the right amount to give someone too I don’t know.

August 9, 2013 at 12:59 pm #40068

maitri2all
Participant

I felt like you have spent so much time wanting others to love you that the definition may be a bit skewed

When I read that he will not share his family issues with you then that is not true love imho..

Nobody you know will be ok until you are truly ok

Fixing how you perceive Love will help them tremendously

Love is not putting up with your mate etc..

I once asked the most beautiful woman alive
“Who do you love more, you or your kids?

“Myself.. because I am their strength”

You must stop giving more than you have especially if you are not content

Pleasant Neutral Unpleasant

Must remain calm

August 9, 2013 at 1:46 pm #40073

Hope
Participant

Thankyou.your advice has certainly hit home.tearfully I have to finally admit that they are my same thoughts.im not sure what love is anymore and what it is everyone expects from me.i was everyone’s strength.ive tried years to get all to stand on own feet and be independent.when i fell ill,i found they can survive perfectly well without me.this was great for me and a lot of pressure lifted.yet now I feel lost and hurt that they no longer want me around but still expect me to run around them all at a click of a finger.all respect and kindness has gone out of the window now that I’m not as fast and strong as I used to be.no one wants a sickly sad woman around to cramp their style.i see the embrassement on there faces when out with me.thats my own partner and kids.teenagers I can understand but my partner I can’t.i feel I need to leave them all yet I know these feelings are despair at the moment.my perception of love has changed but not quiet sure to what.i try to remain calm and not let anyone push my buttons.when they don’t get a reaction I get accused of be cold heartless and all sorts of negative things.i stay quiet and it’s not right.when I have a voice it’s not right either.in the end I’ve finally exploded in a negative way towards my partner after months of silent treatment from him.im drained and want to start afresh with everyone but not in a way it all goes back to this.i want a calmer happier me that is stronger within myself too.im so sorry for ranting. Long time since I’ve spoken to any one apart from family.all opinions and advice are greatly apreacated.sometimes others can see things more clearly then those involved.thankyou.

August 10, 2013 at 2:39 am #40122

Hope
Participant

Must remain calm. Words above tearfully hit home and found they were my same thoughts.
Day1
today I start to learn to live without my partner.i hope it will be a less painful day.my strength and goals are going to be small steps.surviving today.today I’ve woke up with the decision I will mot try to be so dependant on him.im running on autopilot at the moment.i will not phone tex asking to be forgiven for an argument I was pushed into.it was my own fault I let my buttons be pushed.today I think about how to make a like on my own and be happy with it.im scared.i feel sick in my stomach.i can’t make people love me and feel things for me with me hating myself.i never thought Ide ever be here.ive put phone away instead of waiting for him.i will show respect to myself and him by giving space to reflect.i know what I want I just have to change for the better to be able to reach my goals.
Hardest thing to do is accepting.i still here alone without him.i have to accept that. Doesn’t mean my life has to stop.i have to find a way to move forward each day.

August 10, 2013 at 2:06 pm #40146

maitri2all
Participant

Pick today 🙂

August 10, 2013 at 2:13 pm #40148

Marilyn Briant-Rockmore
Participant

It takes time, Hope, to get to a place where you love yourself. The only way I found to do this was to go inside and focus on myself. It was difficult because I wasn’t used to doing this – I wanted, like you, to make sure everyone else was happy. I learned it doesn’t work that way…At first I didn’t believe it, but now I accept we are all strong and beautiful souls struggling to recognize ourselves in what seems like a crazy world…

I am absolutely sure you can forgive yourself, find the real you and then deal with the other people in your life…Take it a day at a time, or a moment at a time–forgive your mistakes and try to do things differently. Observe your thoughts, which I am sure you will find are negative and critical and make an intention to change them–one thought at a time, i.e. Change “I can’t forgive myself”, to “I do forgive myself.” Alter “I can’t express myself without frustration” to “I am able to express myself with love.” and instead of thinking, “I can’t focus on myself”, tell yourself “I can and want to focus on myself.”

I wanted change to happen overnight but it doesn’t. It does happen if you open your heart and treat yourself with loving kindness…All it takes is the understanding that change is possible, does happen when your heart is open and you acknowledge this is what you want for yourself.

Love and peace,

Marilyn

August 10, 2013 at 3:34 pm #40155
Matt
Participant
Hope,

I am so sorry for your losses… your story saddened and amazed me at the same time. The strength you had to have to get through all of that is inspiring. Goodness gracious, it is no wonder you need a boost to go from hopeless back to Hope. TinyBuddha has a knack for that, I think you’ve made some great steps already!

When the world has given us a series of difficulties which have seemed to suck the life out of us, it can be very disorienting. I like how you said you were looking for something you lost, like the old you. She is gone of course, but the qualities she had are still in you, it just has to be rekindled. From the sound of it, perhaps what your heart is missing is the warmth and kindness it felt. In Buddhism, this is called metta, and is very helpful in feeling better.

There are some great videos on metta, and the following is a 30 minute guided meditation that is easy even for a beginner. If you have a pair of headphones and a comfortable chair, consider giving it a go. A metta practice is one of the most magical, positive, emotionally shifting things we can do to reopen our heart.

With warmth,
Matt
- This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Matt.
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