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Am I being used?

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  • February 24, 2018 at 8:51 am #194211
    ElaMel
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    Ive been feeling a bit fishy about a current situation in my life, i was hoping to get some advise or even what people think of this.  So here goes;

    My boyfriend and i were each others 1st everything. We started seeing each other at the tender age of 14 and became each others best friend. As we began to reach 18 and we were getting ready to go to University our relationship changed, he became extremely needy and possessive. We applied to the same exact Universities hoping we would end up together, something i actually didn’t mind, however he had other ideas. He wanted to live in the same halls as me a twin room if possible. This scared the shit out of 17year old me. I mean don’t get me wrong i loved him loads but he just started to make me feel suffocated and rushed. Once he called me crying on the phone while i was in Austria for 4 nights to visit my brother, he was in such a state talking about, me always leaving him because my family is abroad and made me promise him i wouldn’t live the country again without me. LONG. I couldn’t even sleep with him without feeling like i was gonna have a panic attack.  I broke up with him on my 18th birthday, he started a hissy fit with me because he didn’t feel like i was playing him enough attention.

    We exchanged nasty emails to each other and didn’t talk or see each other for 4 years. Went to opposite University  thank god!

    2 years ago we got back in contact, i had just come out of a rough 1year relationship and it was nice to talk to him. I was planning to move back to Portugal (where most of my family is including my mum and where i was born) and this i always made very clear from the beginning, he seemed grown, like he changed you know… i believed that he learnt his lesson and he was 22year old man who wasn’t that kid i remembered. He persuaded me to stay in London, he offered his home to me and said we could live together in his mums house. His mum helped me find a job after Uni so i was settled.

    I didn’t leave, i was back in love with him and he made it easy for me to stay. Living together was pretty cool he isn’t messy or annoying so we did get on… however the need for space was extreme. We had a massive argument and it got a bit physical so i moved out and went to live with my friend…. i couldn’t stay there long and by this time we had sorted things out between us and we decided to keep trying and not give up on what we have. He spoke to him mum about me moving back in but this time i would be renting a room from her , as she already has lodgers. this way we could have pur own space. The plan they gave me was:

    I take out a £13,00 loan of which she would use the money to pay her debts, and the little bit that was left would be mine…  and i wouldn’t have to pay rent, i would just make sure that the £300 i was going to give her is in my account for the payment of the loan.

    So really i’m paying for it, but she makes it seem like i’m not because i’ll be getting a room. Are they using me?

    My friends think what she’s asking of me is cheeky and bad.. almost taking advantage of my situation. She says this doesn’t benefit her or make her any richer because she losing money having me in the room, only paying half of what the other person does. But it still sorts out her financial problems. But it will all be under my name…. what if something happened and she cant pay it? I would be fucked. Im back in his room at the moment… but i really just feel like leaving.. packing my things and going back to my country. What are your thoughts?

    February 24, 2018 at 10:07 am #194273
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ElaMel:

    I didn’t understand the financial arrangement. You brought up the question: “am I being used?”

    As far as the money, the numbers you presented as part of your question, how much money will you be paying for rent, per month is the question. Doesn’t matter what his mother calls it, in practicality it is rent money. If you pay as much as other lodgers, then you are not used. If you pay more, than you are used.

    His  mother came up with this complicated explanation of basically charging you rent. She didn’t have to, as it is her right to ask for rent money. The complications she came up with indicates to me that she is not direct or honest in her dealings. Not that she intends to financially deceive you, but she is not honest about her intentions, which could simply be, to charge you rent.

    Your boyfriend having been afraid that you will leave him, being so anxious about the thought of not being very close to you leads me to think that he didn’t feel safe growing up with his mother.

    Are you worried that your boyfriend is using you or that his mother is using you… or are the two the same, that is, your boyfriend is submissive to his mother?

    anita

    February 24, 2018 at 1:59 pm #194287
    ElaMel
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    thanks for your reply, him and his mum are super super close. He has one older brother and one younger brother so his the middle child, he is his mums golden boy. He spends hours talking to her and it’s pretty sweet to be honest… I’m close to my mum so I get it…but I just feel like I can’t trust them sometimes..like they’re scheming behind my back. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

    He doesn’t even pay rent but his little brother does… the lodgers actually pay more than I would pay. So she would be losing out on money with me, however I failed to mention that I have previously taken out a loan for them aswell this time last year. A large amount also, his little brother had a psychological breakdown and spent 3months in a psychiatric ward…so I took that money out to help her convert the garage into a bedroom for him to move back into when he was better. And it also payed for the rest of my boyfriends tuition fees. The mothers been great paying back the loan she puts the money in my account every month. It just shocked me that she would find a way to help by asking me to take out more under my name.

    I don’t think he is using me but maybe her? Ah it’s tough because she’s been very helpful to me and I’ve been helping her also. I guess I felt this way because when I told me mum she flipped and said it wasn’t a good idea.

    February 25, 2018 at 5:41 am #194353
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ElaMel:

    I re-read your original post. Here are quotes from there and from your second post:

    “In your original post you wrote: “I’ve been feeling a bit fishy…he became (at 18) extremely needy and possessive… He wanted to live in the same halls as me… he called me crying on the phone.. and made me promise him I wouldn’t leave the country again without (him)…. he started a hissy fit with me because he didn’t feel like I was paying him enough attention… 2 years ago… his mum helped me find a job after Uni so I was settled… He spoke to his mum about me moving back in but this time I would be renting a room from her… she says this doesn’t benefit her or make her any richer because she losing money having me in the room, only paying half of what the other person does. But it still sorts our her financial problems. But it will all be under my name…

    him and his mum are super close…I just feel like I can’t trust them.. like they’re scheming behind my back… I previously taken out a loan for them as well this time last year. A large amount also, his little brother…. spent 3 months in a psychiatric ward…”

    My input: if I was in your situation, according to my understanding, I would be suspicious too, and I too will feel lack of trust in his mother. First, she seems to have bad credit and unable to take a loan on her name. Or maybe she is unwilling to do so. You mentioned she has financial problems. I wonder what those are and why. Second, she is a calculating woman, seems like she does things for others with a goal in mind. She got you a job after Uni and kept that in mind as a bargaining tool for her benefit. Asked you for a loan then asked you for a second loan. And as a bargaining tool she communicated to you that she does you a favor by having you not pay the rent she charges from lodgers.

    I don’t think she has done anything for you out of liking you or loving you. That she has plans that she carries on in less than honest ways.

    It is possible that if you do not take the second loan for her, that she will stop repaying the first loan. It is possible that she has been repaying the first loan every month with the goal of asking for the second. She may stop paying for any of the loans you take on your name, leaving you responsible.

    I would extricate myself from this situation ASAP, best I can.

    Regarding the closeness between your boyfriend and his mother, which you characterized as sweet (the word you used). I don’t feel it is sweet. This is not a loving woman, reads to me, but a calculating woman, with a self interest goal in mind at all times, and that includes her relationships with her sons.

    The “love” she has given your boyfriend was far from being unconditional. This is why he was so desperate for you, so in need of closeness with you… because he was and is not close with her, it only appears this way. He reaches out to her, reaches out for her love (I am thinking) but gets calculative moves on her part, instead of love. As in: I will love you IF..

    I would extricate myself from the situation, financial and otherwise, with his mother and with your boyfriend as soon as possible and with the least financial damage as possible for you.

    anita

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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