August 31, 2013 at 10:14 am #41482
I have been dating a woman who is battling depression for 4 years, she has broken up with me for the third time. She gets into a blue streak in the summer, around her mothers birthday. Her mother and father have both passed. She was in an abusive marriage, verbally and emotionally, not sure if physically. She has been fired from 2 jobs in the last 3 years. She accepts no blame for anything, it is always someone elses fault. She has no friends in her life, she made a mistake and everyone found out , judged and abandoned her. I am the only person who has stood beside her, through all the turmoil and drama When she breaks up, we are off for 2 – 3 months, then Im sorry, I love you, miss you want you in my life. Things are fine until she hits a blue streak again, and the cycle repeats itself. She was on medication for her depression, but decided she did not want to take pills, she didn’t like to and her ex always said it was a sign of weakness, your not depressed.
I love the woman, but I am afraid that this is what my life with her would be like. We are on our third breakup now, she is verbally and emotionally abusive to me at times, talks about open communication, but her idea is yelling and screaming. I cant seem to do anything right, or at least how she would do it, so she tells me. I accept her with her faults, everyone has them. She says she cant be in a relationship, how can she care for someone when she isnt in a place to do it and doesn’t care/like herself right now
Im not sure whether to walk away and forget her completely. She says I am her best friend, and she wants me in her life. I am torn, if I go and she goes under water and eventually and cant cope, Im not sure if I can live with myself leaving someone in need. However, I feel I need to move on for my health, find someone who is ready to move forward in life. I would possibly be willing to wait for her, but Im not sure she would ever want a relationship, with me or anyoneAugust 31, 2013 at 10:02 pm #41493
Read Anna Puchalski's article on this site, type co dependency into search and it comes up, 3rd article down or so.September 1, 2013 at 6:59 am #41502
“am afraid that this is what my life with her would be like”
Oh Honey, this is what you life is like. She is not going through a rough patch, this is how she runs her life.
As you said, she is not taking responsibility, she is not getting the outside help she needs.
You might see clearly the path she needs to go down, but you can not make that happen for her.
She is responsible for her happiness…now go be responsible for yours. You know this is not how you want to live.September 1, 2013 at 8:36 am #41506
It is true that this may be what life would be like with her; however, when I was younger… I had lived through a terrible childhood & a 5 year relationship w/someone that (in retrospect) was likely bi-polar I, had a gambling problem, etc. Then I met my husband. I was only in my early twenties. We were completely different. He was from a very stable family & had not been in a serious relationship. We married. Within a year, I found myself wanting to argue (because that was what I had learned to communicate). I also had terrible mood swings for no apparent reason – I thought I was bi-polar. Fortunately, my mood swings were due to a thyroid problem that was easily treated with medication. Life changing. My life stablized, but I still found myself wanting to argue as I considered this communication. After a couple years, I found I no longer had the need to “argue” to communicate. My husband was so patient, kind, and gentle. He was always there no matter how much I “argued”. He taught me to be patient and that it was not necessary to argue as a lifestyle. I am so thankful. This was my experience. My experience was compounded with a physical illness that was treatable and I wanted to have the best quality life possible. I had been in therapy in order to not re-create the life I grew up with. I wanted a good life. I think it depends on what she wants and if she is willing to grow…and, of course, if you think that there is hope for change. Good luck.September 1, 2013 at 11:43 am #41525
Hi, thank you all for your replies and guidance.
I am still torn, as I feel I should help my fellow traveller through life, both good and bad times. We did share good times, so why not help. Maybe as just a friend, though that would be difficult having been intimate with her
I did read the co dependency article, thank you, I will read again several times. I think you hit me dead center.September 1, 2013 at 12:30 pm #41526
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. It must be really rough on you to be in this situation. I think you need to listen to your body now. Your own persona is already telling you to give in for your on health and happiness that is a strong sign that you won't be able to cope with all this much longer. I know that helping does feel good and even better when you help a loved one but when your own self is aware of what's happening and it's warning you against it I think the time to think things through has come.
It is absolutely not healthy for you physically nor emotionally to be off and on like this on a relationship. It doesn't just stress you emotionally but it puts a heavy load on your shoulders and sends you on an emotional train merely because breakups aren't easy.
We all feel compelled to help buddy. But I think you need to realize that by being there for help might not be the help she needs. If you are ALWAYS there for her she might never get enough courage to change the way she lives life or get help. If you are always there for her she will feel on her comfort zone where she doesn't feel the need to change because she will always take you for granted. She will always know you are there and that she doesn't need to change. Is that really the kind of help you want to give her?
I think what you should do is be firm with her now. Sit with her and ask her to understand where you are coming from and respect your wishes in giving yourselves a bit of distance from each other so she can prove you that she can change her ways for herself not you or anyone else. Ask her to respect your wishes and ask her to show you how much she can love herself so you can love her ten times more.
“Am afraid that this is what my life with her would be like” Like Gail said above… This is what your life is already like buddy. There will come a ay where you are so emotionally drained from this relationship as it is now and by then she will no longer have the comfort she wants from you leaving you wrecked in ruins. Is that what you want? be strong man. I know you must love her but sometimes your loved ones need a little push back in the saddle to get them started.
Be her friend. But maintain your boundaries. Try to widen your perspective on the matter alright? Look at this situation from a completely different perspective and also…Pamper yourself man ! You are such a strong person to be going through this I think you need to give yourself a little bit of credit and pamper yourself a little. Be happy with yourself and try to enjoy not having to spend so much emotional stress in a relationship.
I hope this advice helps you !September 1, 2013 at 3:26 pm #41540
Yikes, thanks for your insight, I think. Yes, I know my inner self is telling me to go, as is my daughter. I am an emotional wreck, my self esteem is gone. I feel like the Coasta Concordia, a wreck on the reef of life. I am getting a little better every day. I have not spoken, called or texted her for a week or so, I need to heal. I still have a couple things at her house which I need to pickup, so I have to face her one more time. I am avoiding getting them till I am stronger.
I do need to set my boundaries, and I will work on that. I have always tried to please everyone, putting myself last. I now know I can and should come first and use my voice. I believe these are the lessons that are being presented to me to learn, and hopefully I do learn from this, otherwise, they will be presented again.September 1, 2013 at 3:45 pm #41542
Sorry Sorry! I didn't mean for my reply to be of any kind of rudeness towards you or anything ! I really need to work on my tact with people. I just know what you;re going through because I used to be the same way. I was always putting people in front of me and my desires. I was happy making people happy but in the end….I felt so drained emotionally. I was an emotional wreck. Still am sometimes. It's a hard journey to we all must go through. I'm sorry if I was too blunt of anything but you seem like a great guy on her life and you need to appreciate yourself more for that.
I know you will get through this and even if things don't work out in the end for her it's not the end of the journey for you ! I am pretty sure you will find a lady that will return as much love as you give to her. Give yourself sometime to be with yourself ! Reconnect as an individual person and just enjoy life to it's most simple face right now.
Selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing, It's actually quite the good thing as it doesn't involve others. Give your heart a break and your mind a rest for now and smile at the problems life gives you.September 2, 2013 at 3:25 pm #41574
I didn't feel you were rude, no offense taken. I need to learn to use my voice, that lesson is being presented again, it has been in the past.
My angels have indicated to me that people are moving into my life, not to worry about being alone, which is a major fear of mine. I love myself and I am quit happy with myself, I just want to share life with someone after being a single parent for over 12 years. My daughter is grown and getting on with her life, and I want to start a life. I am 58 and my younger brother passed away earlier this year, shook me up quit a bit and I don't want to put off not enjoying life any more.
Wow, that was good to let out
I do appreciate your insight.
BDFRSeptember 5, 2013 at 5:08 am #41800
Well said 🙂September 5, 2013 at 5:08 am #41801
Well said 🙂March 22, 2014 at 12:34 pm #53349
I thought I would update on what happened.
I did tell her I cant see her again, and walked away to save my sanity. I went to a very dark place, I didn't look after myself, questioned my decision, drank to much. But I stuck to it and worked through everything, read many books and Tiny Buddha religiously.
I started working on my spiritual growth last November with a group, study Tolle and have started A Course in Miracles with them.
I struggled to find someone who I could accept, but rejected everyone for some reason, some pretty crazy.
Anyways, I went back to basics, started to like me again, got control of my life, stopped drinking and enjoyed life again. Practiced meditation, started yoga. Still felt guilty, but much more grounded. I now love who I am and realize I am the one responsible for my happiness, and I cant save her or make her happy.
Two weekends ago, I meet the most fantastic woman quit by chance, when I had given up finding a partner and stopped looking. We have had several dates, and enjoy each other tremendously.
Thank you everyone for posting their comments and their situations.