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Am I in the wrong ?

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  • #361001
    Kenny
    Participant

    Hi ,

    to those who took their time to read and reply to this topic I would like to say I am extremely grateful. I am here today to share my story all I want is honest opinions whether it be against my beliefs or for. I just need to know I am not going crazy.

    I was in recently going through a really rough time. Due to the virus I was not doing well financially. Me and my ex stayed together. I tried my level best to do right by her and support her financially during this tough period since I wanted so much to spend time with her but at the same time my bank account was slowly draining out.

    in the back of my mind I wanted to transition from one job to another for quite some time and after an argument regarding this issue cause I was struggling between choosing stability and taking a risk she had enough of my complaints and told me to do something about the situation.

    The next day I quit my old job decided to venture into something new something completely unknown. But unknowingly the relationship was slowly falling apart. With my job knowing absolutely nothing about a brand new industry I was forced to learn on my own . Work on my own and explore on my own. I had all the tools and drive to create our future together. We discussed so much about our vision of how our life would look like and I knew I had to do something to reach that vision.

    As I was working hard during the toughest time economically and financially my ex was slowly distancing herself , she felt that I did not give her enough attention , I was not present so to speak I was there but my mind was so much into work and the future and worrying about survival and she didn’t handle it well . She started to withdraw emotionally , made me feel bad for doing something that she pushed me to do in the first place. I did not understand why and couldn’t really believe my partner was like this .

    After a huge argument she decided to breakup and in turn she triggered my deeply rooted abandonment issues and anxiety as well as depression . I lashed out at her , all the buried emotions of being not good enough not being ever enough for her came out in the form of harsh words that i can never possibly take back . I attempted suicide and was sent to the hospital cause I couldn’t forgive myself for the thing said and not being the man she wanted me to be.

    after coming out of the hospital I met up with her and it was fine for one day until she lied to me about seeing another guy and telling me she did not want a relationship with me anymore. What happened for the next two weeks was brutal , I had constant anxiety and depression I attempted suicide multiple times and every time I contact her she would tell me she’s going to sleep with other guys and have her fun. She didn’t want relationship and i should respect that .

    I think I had certain expectations with the person hoping she was someone who knows the struggles of someone who’s self made, trying to figure his life out being mature and knowing that money does not fall from trees. But yet there I was facing the reality that she was not who I thought she was.

    One night I decided to deal with pain in my usual toxic ways through alcohol and painkillers, I called her up hoping she would care but I got my usual cold response . We argued and she demanded her things back from my place which I did not answer. At the time she held the key to my house so she entered without my permission and brought along her ex boyfriend ( during the relationship she was not over him , but I had so little self love to allow things as such to happen )

     

    that was my last straw the final push I took a knife and slit my wrist needless to say I did not care if I would have survived that night. To make sure the pain is we gone I drank bleach , took pain killers and fainted on the side of the road. I woke up feeling horrible body aching and the thought that I did not die disappointed me.

     

    after awhile I had growing hatred towards the person not just hatred but I care for the person and she’s capable of so much more mentally than seeing what’s infront of her. But soon i started to learn that lessons are not mine to teach as every lecture I gave her just made her hurt she never understood the things I was trying to help her understand.

    we are no longer in contact and I am focusing on healing, every day I wake up and deal with my anxiety attacks , I exercise I work and most importantly I work on releasing this attachment . Loving myself and taking care of my inner self .

    Parts of me couldn’t let go of what happened I am all about just and fair and I felt wronged .

    please let me know the truth help me understand from a third persons point of view so I can move on build a bright future for myself and be happy once again .

    thank you ,

     

    kenny

    #361003
    Canadian Eagle
    Participant

    Kenny

    Your pain resonates as we all have pain in our life. I have had very low points when all felt meaning less . Your focus on healing is a wonderful first step, but a very important step.

    We all start our healing journeys with one step, a step towards the light.

    Many years ago I started a daily diary of my thoughts and actions , often just a few words but a daily ritual . I now read over my low times and feel blessed that I took that first step.

    Always remember you are not alone , all humans suffer and all humans have amazing healing power.

    I am so proud of you for sharing your dilemma here , it is a human story .

    we are here for you

    #361026
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kenny:

    It’s good to read the following: “we are no longer in contact and I am focusing on healing.. I exercise, I work and most importantly I work on releasing this attachment”- I hope that you use your thread for this goal that you expressed here.

    You asked: “please let me know the truth, help me understand from a third person’s point of view, so I can move on (to) build a bright future for myself and be happy once again”-

    – I will do my best based on what you shared two years ago, August 2018 and today. I will first quote what you shared on both threads and then give you my input.

    August 2018: “My ex.. called me a cheater, a liar… this relationship has broken me so much.. I attempted suicide twice through overdosing on sleep medication.. I tried to harm myself… I told her to punch me and used her arm (which she went through surgery post accident) and punched myself, resulting in her feeling pain and caused some swelling. She labeled me an abusive boyfriend after that, and told her family members about me being abusive…

    “She used to break up with me almost every other week, and I would  tell her.. I want to end my life. I wanted her to know how painful it was.. She told me I am weak ..from having suicidal thoughts. She told me if I really want to do it, I should go ahead and jump…

    “Am I just delusional for thinking that she abused me, and that I am in reality the abuser of this relationship, and that I am really this monster she said I am.. creating things in my head to make myself feel less like a monster..?

    “Over the course of these few days I have come to a decision that I am.. the negativity of my ex’s life.. I am sick and I am beyond saving, in my opinion”- those were your last words in your previous thread, two years ago.

    Two years later, July 8, 2020, you shared: “Due to the virus I was not doing well financially. Me and my ex stayed together… After a huge argument, she decided to breakup.. I lashed out at her.. in the form of harsh words that I can never possibly take back. I attempted suicide.. after coming out of the hospital.. I had constant anxiety and depression, I attempted suicide multiple times… One night I decided to deal with pain in my usual toxic ways through alcohol and painkillers. I called her up hoping she would care but I got my usual cold response… I took a knife and slit my wrist.. drank bleach, took pain killers and fainted by the side of the road. I woke up feeling horrible body aching.. we are no longer in contact and I am focusing on healing”.

    My input: I am so glad to read that you and your ex girlfriend are no longer in contact and that you are focusing on your healing. I am suggesting the following to help your purpose of healing:

    1. Maintain zero contact with your ex girlfriend no matter what. Don’t communicate with her at all.

    2. Seek professional medical/ health care help as soon as possible regarding your “usual toxic ways through alcohol and painkillers”.

    2. Learn all that you can learn from this long term unhealthy relationship that you had:

    – reads to me that the two of you abused each other. When her arm was recovering from a surgery, and you took her arm and hit yourself with her injured arm, you physically abused her. When you lashed out at her with words, you verbally abused her. When you told her again and again that you will commit suicide, you emotionally abused her. Make a promise to yourself that in a future relationship, you will not abuse your girlfriend. If she abuses you, leave the relationship. Do not stay and carry on an unhealthy, mutually abusive relationship.

    It takes courage to recognize your own wrongdoings and correct those wrongdoings, and I hope you have this courage. But remember: do not try to correct your wrongdoings with the same woman. This relationship you had has been so sick, there is no fixing it.

    I wish you well, and I hope, like I suggested, that you use this thread for your healing and moving forward to a better life for yourself.

    anita

     

    #361060
    Kenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita

     

    Just to let you know this was a brand new relationship. A relationship that started last year i fell into the same cycle choosing the same partner because I have abandonment issues and a lot of mental issues. My partner of choice has always been flawed and when my partner leaves I feel abandoned, I feel lost I feel broken and most important I feel anger and resentment. I looked at it from a third person’s perspective and couldn’t get over how she was not able to understand my choices . Couldn’t handle how my idea of her was not met. She gave me an impression that she was different she was real and what we had was real which was far from the truth. Being who I am having those abandonment issues I bottle feelings emotions and find it hard to let go . Find it extremely difficult without justice. There’s a lot of issues that I am currently working on .

    thank you hope this helps you gain clarity for the situation . I really appreciate this and this is a collection of my thoughts as I go through my anxiety attacks every day . It’s a really painful process. I have hurt some of the most important people in my life making such partner choices.

    #361063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Kenny:

    “There’s a lot of issues that I am currently working on”- if you want to work on one of your issues on this thread, you are welcome to bring it up and work on it here. I will be glad to read from you and respond every time you post.

    I wish you were able to have high quality psychotherapy at this point, this would be best for you.

    anita

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