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February 18, 2020 at 5:32 am #338822
AnonymousInactiveI
m so sorry for reposting this. Im going through a loop again. I need some advice on this matter. Im trying to work things in my mind, I think I called him out prematurely and I might be acting childish in dating...Heres what happened:I was out one night having a blast with my sister and met a guy. I was so shocked by him! I instantly felt hard ffor him. He danced with me and we talked. Then some red flags arised:
1. he didn
t have an education, saying he ate all his fathers money whilst joking around and lying he was studying.2. he doesn
t have a stable or financially rewarding job, he also had so many crazy ideas about new careers that didt make sense.3. whilst we were dancing he tried to kiss me and I refused saying it was too early and it was.
4. (so sorry for becoming explicit) whilst dancing he would draw me closer to him and his aroused male member, making it seem random, I hope you get the idea.
But anyway, I was a sceptical but I thought maybe it
s because he had too much to drink. We exchanged numbers. My sister didnt like him with a fierce passion.Disclaimer: he doesn`t work from October to April, so he has all the time in the world, litterally.
WEEK NO.1:
We would talk all day everyday through texts for the first week and we went on coffee dates after my work, five out of the 7 days, him being the one to ask me out. He would be very courtious, sharing eveything about his life, opening doors for me, caring my bag, paying for everything, holding my hand even talking on the phone for the last goodninght. Some strange things were that he didn`t ask too many things about me, mostly he would ask about my day and my career and the other is that we would arrange plans to get together 1-2 hours before the actual date.On Saturday he asked if I wanted to come to his place and I denied because I felt it was too soon. The next day he took my for a driving lesson and then at coffee, he told me he was leaving for his country home to see his parents out of the blue. Then he pushed himself away from me saying he hated PAD in a very dictating fashion. I was sad, but he later apologized. He nicknamed me puppy because he said I was such a yes-girl.
WEEK NO.2:
Monday I didn
t see him because he wanted to meet his friends, understandable. From Tuesday to Saturday he was away to his parents, sharing videos and photos with me also wanted to talk to me over the phone for goodnight. With the exeption he told me he would return on Friday, the changed his plans to Saturday and I got to know that because I asked. He gave me a bs explanation. But didnt make much of it, trying to calm my mind. I also asked if we were exclusively dating to which he agreed but he was sooooo cold. Everytime I talked to him either texting ore phone, it seemed I talked to a friend, I could literally smell his emotional distance. On Saturday he returned and we had drinks and then at the back of his car we had a steamy encounter but I refused sex and he was pushing for it. He drove me home as always and I said: hey let`s go for lunch tomorrow! He said maybe he has something to do with the boys but what if we had wine at his place later in the evening. To which I agreed and next day magically, all the boys were away and we could meet. We had sex, it was amazing. I knew it was too soon, but I needed it, after a year of no action. He then ordered chinese and we watched a movie, he drove me home, but his attitude was slightly changed. I could feel it. He said he was just sleepy.MAJOR PROBLEMS START: The next morning he didn
t send me anything. I patiently waited but it was 2 in the afternoon and I feared I was ghosted. So I called him, he was sleeping and he was annoyed I asked him if things were ok between us and if he still wanted to see me. After that we texted but he was really cold and distand. Mind you, I asked (as freaking always, I hate myself for it) like a scared puppy, really politely. I even said sorry for inconviencing you. He said I make quick assumptions and that is a huge black dot on my character. That if it happens again, we wouldnt continue on. Tuesday he asked to see me but not after work as I wanted because the boiler would take hours to heat the water and he wanted to take a shower. What kind of boiler takes 3 hours? I knew it was bs but agreed to his terms. When we were out he was colder than ever. He did`t look me in the eyes as usual, he would downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future. He had a facebook message which he replyed to whilsht hiding his phone from me. I knew something was off. His kisses were faint and his holding my hand also. Out of the blue, totally emphatically he said he had to call his boss and also have a smoke. That never happened before and his : oh! I want to call my boss now... He went out twice to do that. Then he said lets go somewhere to be more intimate. He proposed his home but saying his siter was there and if it was a problem with me. I said no, thinking I would meet her. His sister was locked in her room, I never saw her. I told him I was menstruating and he got disappointed.The next two days I asked him out and he refused. The second being he had arranged to meet with his boss for beers and that if he was finishing early he would come pick me up for a car ride. My intuition, my gut, my whole being was screaming that something is reeeeally off. That he has another girl. I called him and being firm but calm, I asked for the truth and were we were at. He was turning my questions on me, making it seem I was needy for not being together everyday. I told him that this is absurd, of course we are not siamese and each of us has a life to live as well but denying your s.o. twice in a row to see them combined with the emotional ditachment was too much to leave unnoticed. Long story short he said we were just having fun and that it was too soon to know if he wanted to see me in the future oir even imply starting a relationship. I asked what he felt about me or us, not as in I love you etc. A simple I like you a lot and want to explore our connection more would surfice. He said he did
t have any feelings for me, that sex meant nothing. Not even something shallow for the sake of it! He called the whole thing of saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesnt want to waste time. I asked for a final meet up, so that like grown ups we could sort things out. He denied and he didn`t even want to stay in touch but if he changes his mind he would call. Then he vanished.SOME SKETCHY FACTS ABOUT HIM:
– He was obsessed with fire and arsony when he was young but he says that`s gone now.
-He really likes poker and openly said that in the past he would play a lot of his dad`s money online.
-He had souvenirs from his ex all over his place.
-He confessed to have anger issues. His whole family having earned a nickname for that.
-He is not in good terms with his dad after he wasted a good part of his money.
– He would compliment my so little, that it was unhealthy. I don`t like compliments at all, but I understand that a level of admiration for your date is healthy and right. He would always try and fish out my admiration which I did admire him, but he wanted more.
-He would cut me off when I was talking about my dreams and goals and insert his.
Needless to say, all my loved ones didn
t like him from day one. They warned me that he was a player and that the educational and financial gap was about to start creating problems. Men in my life were screaming that this was a huge mistake but I carried on, thinking the were just bigots. I feel so sad. I feel I lost a potentially good man since some girlfriends of mine said I rushed things. In my mind I was so zen and chill and I would have continued as such if it werent for my intuition. I just did`t want to willingly look the other way again, as I did with my ex and waste my time and heart again. But what if I made a mistake? Was I really pushing him? I agreed to all his terms, when and where we would go, my only requests being that we would text good morning/night texts because that makes me feel warm inside…What should I do? Did God as eveyone says send me a blessing in disguise by parting ways with him?February 18, 2020 at 6:21 am #338824AnonymousInactiveI
m so sorry I posted this omG....I gave in my impulses again. See, I made a progress, then I take it all back. I would like some commentary on him and my dating skill, meaning on how I managed this situation, but Im also ashamed right now. I promised myself to never look back AND HERE WE GO AGAIN… I`m just sorry.February 18, 2020 at 8:35 am #338834AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
You were out one night and met a guy and “instantly felt hard for him”. First week of getting to know him, you talked “all day everyday through texts” and went to coffee dates. He treated you well, opening doors for you, paying for coffee, etc. You quickly learned that he didn’t have an education, that he misused his father’s money to play poker online, and that he doesn’t work for much of the year. He nicknamed you “puppy” because he said you are a “yes girl”, agreeable, that is, submissive.
When you asked him on the second week if the two of you were exclusive, he reacted coldly, distant. Second week you had sex with him at his place. The morning after, he didn’t call you and when you called him in the afternoon he was “sleeping and he was annoyed.. really cold and distant”. You asked him if he still wanted to see you, asking him this question “like a scared puppy, really politely.. said sorry for inconveniencing (him)”, and he responded negatively to you.
Later on you met and he “was colder than ever.. didn’t look me in the eyes.. downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future.. His kisses were faint and his holding my hands also”. The two days after, you asked him out and he refused. Later on he told you that “didn’t have any feelings for (you), that sex meant nothing.. saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesn’t want to waste time”. You “asked for a final meetup.. he denied.. Then he vanished.
My input today: your submissive behavioral pattern with men- being a yes-girl, and sorry-to-inconvenience you-girl- once again did not work for you.
Even though you derive pleasure from acting submissively with a man, I still suggest what I suggested to you before: “creating a Sophie who is Direct, Assertive, Soft and Honest: DASH“.
Earlier this month in your previous thread, you wrote: “There is nothing I hate more, nothing I am more afraid of than being/ witnessing unfairness. More than death, more than loneliness, more than pain. When I was a child, I wanted to become a judge or lawyer to protect victims (especially of rape/domestic violence/human rights)”-
– There is no occupation that requires more assertiveness than a lawyer or a judge. A submissive “yes girl”, or more accurately, a submissive yes-man or yes-woman would make a terrible lawyer!
Better become a DASH lawyer in your own life- protecting yourself from mistreatment and unfairness. (Instead of inviting it).
anita
February 25, 2020 at 4:26 am #339902AnonymousInactiveGood day Anita,
I felt embarassed to have typed this. I felt embarassed to have once more to ask for confirmation about the past. Or my logic. I built and then I destroy. At this time, I don`t know which is triggering what. But now, I feel numb about it. I feel that it was someone else writting this. A past self or something of the sort. Something happened…
During an appointment with my therapist, she reffered me to a psychiatrist to get an evaluation from him as well. Last Friday, I went to his office and I was diagnozed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was shocked to have found out that what I go through has a name and a treatment and that I am not alone in this world. As I type this now, I`m getting emotional. He talked as if he was watching me all my life!!! He was spot on on everything , I cannot explain it! All these years trying to say this to my family, other people and no one could understand! Imagine someone knowing exactly what you mean!!! What a blessed relief that was! My knowledge of OCD was that of the stereotypical super aggitated perfectionist! It is totally misrepresented…
He suggested that I continue my CBT specifically for my OCD and that medication is available for me whenever I feel I cannot cope with therapy alone – meaning if it becomes too disfunctional. He explained the different kinds to me thouroughly. I agreed to that as I
m yet to explore true therapy and its effect on me. My therapist agree also and we formed a team, to be always in contact and adress whatever pops up. My therapist and I will also work on the subject of self image and self worth. I am optimistic for once. I`m still flirting with the idea of medication since I had the most horrific (from ocd and anxiety) 3 days of my life.All this torture, all the pain, all this feeling of losing my mind, crying out to people for confirmation and support …it was this…. An untreated disorder that made my life both disfunctional and miserable. I wish I had known earlier. Oh I wish…
I wanna thank you once again for all your kindness and support. You`ve been tolerating my sh*t for so long. 😛
February 25, 2020 at 11:02 am #339950AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
You are welcome. I too was diagnosed with OCD. The diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is different from the diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (that “stereotypical super agitated perfectionist” that you mentioned). These are two separate diagnoses.
Both diagnoses as well as most mental diagnoses have this in common: anxiety= an over-stimulation, or over arousal of our nerve cells/ connections. Each diagnosis is about grouping the many expressions/ symptoms of anxiety into groups, and calling this group X and the other group Y, and so on.
It is not that you were born with OCD. We are not born with any one of the hundreds of diagnoses available in such a book as the Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of mental Disorders (DSM), we suffer from anxiety in our childhood and we develop this symptom and then the other symptom, and over time we end up with a group of symptoms. When you see a doctor or a therapist, he or she makes a list of our existing symptoms and decides which group of symptoms aka diagnosis fits you.
Feel free to post again anytime!
anita
April 13, 2020 at 1:24 pm #349242AnonymousInactiveDear Anita,
In one hour from now, I will be turning 26 years old. It’s going to be my birthday!!! So, I took this opportunity to post my update as we discussed before.
My therapy is going very well! I’ve seen huge improvement. My therapist is very attentive and hands on with CBT. My OCD has “relaxed” up to 80%. The only times I get triggered is when I’m on my period or on my fertile day. And that’s not even half bad as it used to. I can now watch a movie, do meditation, cook, enjoy company without this hyperventilation going on in my brain. It’s super nice!
March 17th I was fired from my office due to financial strains and the outbreak of covid 19. AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER! At first, I was sceptical of how I would react and my parents were so worried I would spiral back to depression. But the opposite happened. I became happier, calmer and everyone says : Sofia is back. After consulting with my therapist, we came to the conclusion that my job was not only unfullfiling but also toxic and it not being my primary focus, it was eating from the background. I know it sound complicated but, it makes me feel good…
In my love life, well there’s none. But that’s ok. I truly think it’s not a big deal. My only concern is that I fear receiving a happy birthday text from my ex, but I know it won’t happen, which also makes me feel kinda disappointed. I focus on my therapy and what’s good for me. I’ve dealt with my “demons” but I still have to fight for my place in “heaven”.
Having OCD yourself, do you have any helpful tips on how to shoo that particular thought away? Even though it’s not overpowering, I’m still afraid it might get bigger as tomorrow approaches… I don’t want it to take control over my birthday.
April 13, 2020 at 3:20 pm #349282AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
H a p p y B i r t h d a y S o f i k a ! ! !
Congratulations for making huge a improvement in your mental health while seeing an excellent therapist- I am very glad to read this!
Regarding how to “shoo that particular thought away”- when you find yourself thinking about him and feeling distressed about it, do damage control, say to yourself: this distress doesn’t have to last for the rest of the day, it is momentary, that is all. Then relax best you can, or focus on something that has nothing to do with him.
Try to not fear your thoughts, because none of your thoughts are dangerous. Some are associated with distress, but that distress is not dangerous and it is not eternal. You can contain that distress to five minutes, or ten minutes, not letting it spread to the rest of the day.
Yet in other words: when you find yourself thinking about him, don’t panic, it’s not a big deal.
Does this help any?
anita
April 20, 2020 at 2:34 pm #350766AnonymousInactiveDear Anita,
Thank you for your wishes! It really made my night! I was initially afraid of turning 26, as I thought age is an enemy and a step closer to my falsely perceived future of endless single-ness. But I’m feeling nice and comfortable with it.
Understanding that thoughts aren’t dangerous… You get me! As time goes by and I try to voice what I’m feeling with OCD to my family, I realize that only another person with that condition can actually get it. I feel understood and heard when I read your advice. Noone can see that my obsessions are a real threat to me. That they “exist” . I don’t blame them at all though. So this piece of advice you offer is calming me down a lot. I need to tattoo in on my arm! I also came to see that I don’t miss him, it’s being happy and in love that I’m missing. And that’s a huge step for my growth.
I will try to implement both damage control and threat evaluation and will definitely log in again to check in with you.
Hope you have a blessed day!
April 20, 2020 at 2:45 pm #350772AnonymousGuestDear Sofioula:
You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and good wishes. I am glad you are feeling nice and comfortable with your age, and am looking forward to the next time you post. Take good care of your 26 year old self!
anita
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