June 11, 2015 at 11:28 am #78084
Hello, hopefully another perspective will help me sort out my muddled head. Not too long ago I had a big fight with my boyfriend. He admitted to me that in the 4 years we’ve been together he’s never been sexual attracted to me. I know he loves me, and it was a very painful thing for him to reveal and I solute his honesty. But since that argument I’ve felt hollowed out. We nearly broke up, I felt I deserved to get what I give and I’ve always found him attractive on all fronts. He is my best friend, and will remain a best friend regardless of what happens to us. I am lucky in that sense. Anyways, when I was about to call it quits he told me he does find me sexually attractive, that simply talking about it was enough to make him find me attractive. I said I believe you, in part because I want to trust him, and also I’ll admit because I wanted it to be true. Yet reflecting on it now, it seems unlikely that after four years he could find me attractive just like that. I find myself feeling unattractive and insecure. Mind you, he doesn’t find me ugly, but he said I am not his type sexually. What am I to make of this? I love him, he is a good person who always means well, but I am wounded from this experience and I don’t completely trust him. Thank you for taking the time to help me with my dilemma.June 11, 2015 at 12:32 pm #78097AnonymousGuest
You wrote that you’ve been togehter with him for four years and that he told you he had never been sexually attracted to you. Did you have sex in those four years? If so, how was that experience for you? Did he express his feelings about having sex with you during those four years? THroughout FOUR years- all that time- what was the communication regarding sex and/ or while having sex been like?
anitaJune 11, 2015 at 2:34 pm #78103
Thanks for replying Anita! Our sex life was good, even if we didn’t have as much sex as I would have liked. He explained that the lack of sexual attraction was part of the reason we didn’t have sex as often as I would have liked. When we did have sex it was passionate and intimate for me, everything I could want truly. We were always up front about what we liked/disliked and respectful of each other. As far as I knew we both have always been very honest with each other. This was the first time I was thrown for a loop. He told me our sex life was better by far than his previous relationships in terms of it’s intimacy and our eagerness to please each other, yet he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as attracted to me as some of his previous girlfriends. I’m not sure what to make of that. The girlfriends before that he found sexually attracted were both unhealthy relationships. One had borderline personality disorder and would threaten him regularly, the other never loved him. I don’t think they were bad people, one is a close friend of mine, but I know he was deeply unhappy in those relationships. I suppose I can see why both of them could be deemed more attractive than me, but my attractiveness has never been a concern of mine till now. I understand we are far more than our looks and we should cultivate our inner beauty most of all, of course this doesn’t stop me from feeling insecure every now and then. Yet now I am certainly more self conscious of my looks. Thank you for letting me vent all this, it’s painful for me to think about. I don’t care if the whole world finds me attractive, but I do care about my significant other finding me desirable every once and a while. 🙁June 11, 2015 at 3:45 pm #78108MattParticipant
Heartfelt connection is what drives long term attraction. Consider: in the beginning stages of connecting with another, there is a newness, a freshness to their body that creates a lot of attraction. Over time, that attraction naturally diminishes. Like, a brand new car is amazing at first, but over time is just “that old thing”.
Luckily, heartfelt connection more than makes up for that. We are constantly growing and changing, and when we are sharing that growth and change with one another, a deeper, more nurturing attraction happens. This is why him saying things that have been on his chest increased his feeling of attraction. Said differently, his level of desire has nothing to do with your physical beauty. He is falsly associating a non-causal relationship. Like, thinking the symptom is the disease. Oops, no biggie. I’m positive you have plenty of amazing and dazzling womanly features. Sometimes its just difficult to see across a gap.
To close the gap, consider spending more time courageously heart to heart. Such as, drop the filters, become naked before each other, saying what you think and feel. Drop the masks, let it flow out. It may be disorienting, but it gets easier with practice. For instance “I do not find you attractive anymore.” Met by “that hurts my feelings, I’m feeling less beautiful right now” met by “I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I’m confused about what to do” met by “let’s talk out whatever this wall is between us, we’ll figure it out” and so on and so forth.
What I have seen, the distance isn’t caused by anything lasting, just two people afraid and pulling back, the goop of daily stress clouding the vision between you two. So take a breath, open up, and dive toward. The goop that comes up can just flow behind you, seen as a side effect of the distance, rather than some enduring problem. Like, the more you two connect directly, the more attractive you appear to one another, the more passion arises, so even if he starts with “you seem ugly right now”, its more like puss than truth. Even for him.
Also, be sure to ask him what his fantasies are, and tell him yours. There are probably a great many things he’d like you to do that you would love to do, but he is afraid to ask. And vice versa.
MattJune 11, 2015 at 4:23 pm #78110
Thank you Matt, that was really insightful! If I’m understanding correctly you’re saying he felt more attracted to me after getting it off his chest because his heartfelt connection with me grew, thus his overall attraction for me grew. You’re also saying he mistook the effects of some other stressful factors as a lack of sexual attraction towards me. So a viable solution is working through this stressful goop by making more heartfelt talks/time together. I can honestly say this is a fresh perspective for me and I will share it with him. I hope you are right as that lightens my heart considerably. As for asking each other about fantasies we do communicate those things, but it never hurts to ask again. I think it’s safe to say we’re open about everything, which is part of the reason this was so hard for me. Thank you for your ideas, they are much appreciated Matt!June 11, 2015 at 6:02 pm #78112MattParticipant
You definitely seemed to pick up what I was putting down. One thing that was perhaps understated, and not reflected in your response, was the mask-free nakedness and courage in the heartfelt time together. It’s not a matter of time spent, its a matter of truth shared. Like, without filters, sharing the sparkles and agitations. He wore too much cologne last night, the dinner he prepared was really delicious and unexpected, you felt insecure wearing the new shirt today and he didn’t comment on it, he left the toilet seat up and you sat in water, when you saw his calves it made you horny, when he texted you while at work it made you laugh out loud. That kind of thing. Not rapid fire like that (that’s just for examples), but patiently, like unwrapping treasure. How is the connection to him striking you? How is the connection to you striking him?
MattJune 11, 2015 at 8:04 pm #78113AnonymousGuest
This is what you wrote that HE told you at different times:
During the recent fight: “He admitted to me that in the 4 years we’ve been together he’s never been sexual attracted to me.”
As the recent fight progressed and you were about to call it quit: “he told me he does find me sexually attractive, that simply talking about it was enough to make him find me attractive.”
After the fight(?) “he said I am not his type sexually…He explained that the lack of sexual attraction was part of the reason we didn’t have sex as often as I would have like…He told me our sex life was better by far than his previous relationships in terms of it’s intimacy and our eagerness to please each other, yet he couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as attracted to me as some of his previous girlfriends.”
It seems to me that during the fight he said he has NEVER found you sexually attractive for the purpose of hurting you. He was angry (it was a fight) and he tried to hurt you.
Then when he felt fear that you were ending the relationship he softened his assertion so to not lose you.
Regarding him explaining that the reason he didn’t have more sex with you- as you would have liked- is because of his lack of sexual attraction to you may be his efforts to explain away his feelings of sexual inadequacy (not having sex as often as would be adequate, feeling criticized by you for not having sex often enough… feeling not man enough to have sex as often as the gf wants)
The problem i am seeing here is that he tried and succeeded at hurting you. I wonder what was the context of his hurtful words? Did you attack him with insults? Did you attack his sexual abilities?
anitaJune 14, 2015 at 11:43 pm #78234
Hello Anita, I did not attack his sexual abilities, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t insult him, although I was at some points very upset so that’s possible. I did my best to apologize for any hurtful words as did he. I should explain what our fight was better. It started with him needing to admit this attraction issue to me. It was very hard for him, I feel he genuinely wasn’t trying to hurt me. He said some wonderful things before he admitted it to me, that he wants to grow old with me, that he can’t imagine not having me in his life. When he broke the news I struggled to understand it and began asking questions as to the nature of what he found to be unattractive about me. He didn’t know how to explain it. I was confused and hurt, some of the things he said seemed contradictory, such as finding me attractive in the bedroom yet he doesn’t really find me attractive? And yes when I got to a breaking point with him he turned around and said simply talking about it made it better.
I brought my trust issue and insecurity up with him. I tried to convey my feelings while thinking a lot about what Matt suggested. I tried to convey my feelings in a genuine non-accusing manner. He then admitted to me that he now thinks he was wrong, talking about it didn’t make him feel better, he still does not find me not very attractive but deeply loves me. He didn’t want me to leave and doesn’t think we’ll ever be just friends. I do not understand what he feels and he doesn’t seem to know and/or understand how to articulate his feelings. It was very painful for both of us and in the end I decided to walk away from this relationship. He really is a wonderful person, my best friend and a caring soul, but I don’t feel good about myself with him. I am pretty heartbroken as I’m sure he is too. I hope he can better explain to me his feelings and we can resolve this in the near future. I wish I knew what he felt better. Thank you both for trying to help me. Not sure what more I can do.