And now?

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    Hi everyone, I don’t know if this is the right place, so I apologise in advance. I’ve never done something like this so forgive me if I come across clumsy. I find it difficult to open up and to talk about how I feel about myself and my emotions and needs as a human being. Even to the one’s closest to me I don’t want to bother them or I don’t want to seem needy. This obviously isn’t working because over the years (I’m almost 39) I’ve isolated myself to the point of having no friends and my wife breaking up with me for the second time..probably the final one. Definitely the final one. Too many times I’ve not even give a chance to people that wanted to be friends, or opportunities in life. I’m usually ok to be by myself but I’m really lonely right now, and feeling  to connect somehow with my fellow humans, hence me writing here. I’ve been struggling with depressive feelings on and off for years and suicidal thoughts were very present. Strangely enough, now that my life is “falling apart”(not as bad as things can get)don’t feel so bad. Perhaps this needed to happen, as slap in the face, a wake up call. For the past 40 days or so I’ve been really passing my life through a fine sieve, in trying to understand how I got to this point, being completely honest with myself, about my behaviours and motives and so on, and the kind of man I was becoming. Sometimes it was really frightening and painful to stare at the demons, but this time I wanted to feel the pain for my own good and not run away from it. Boy I’ve literally run out of tears. I’m about to go back to my country for a while trying to decide what to do with my life now. The thought of starting all over again, and maybe going back, it’s at times quite daunting to say the least. But hopefully it will only do me good, seeing things from the distance. Anyway thank you for your patience, sorry maybe this was a bit all over the place. I felt the need to do this. To sort myself out, otherwise the alternative is a life of self created misery and loneliness. God bless you all


    Dear Manny:

    Congratulations for doing something you’ve never done before (posting here)!

    Reads to me that the reason you’ve kept yourself away from people, isolating yourself, is that people have hurt you badly early on in your life, a parent perhaps, someone in your family. Is it so?


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