This may go in the relationships forum as well, but I wanted to share my relief / fears about finally putting a name to my ongoing issue.

For as long as I could remember, I had always attached to really toxic people. I sought therapy sporadically and spent lots of time researching and reading self help books in a quest to change my patterns. It wasn’t until a recent break up that I realized I needed to do more.

I had finally found my prince. I met the most AMAZING man in the sweetest way. My fairy tale had come true. I had found someone who was ready for a serious, monogamous relationship without games. He was sweet and attentive. He took on aspects of my life very quickly. Within days we were inseparable and had started discussing moving in about a week…WHOA!

Of course I had some misgivings…that little voice in the back of my head that subtly warned that I needed to slow down, but after so many emotionally unavailable men, this was a relief. He actually WANTED me and I didn’t have to DO anything but be myself.

Then about 11 days into the “relationship” he seemed to get really irritated with me over something relatively small. My attempts to avoid an argument were met with contempt and being called selfish. A week or so after that we had a another meltdown over healthy snacks where I was again accused of being controlling. About a week after that it was a more intense argument where after interrupting him I was screamed at and told to SHUT UP. At that point, I decided that it was best to turn off the cell phone (he kept calling) and talk again once emotions died down (how did it escalate that far). Imagine my surprise when the police showed up at my door at 4 AM to retrieve his house key.

A few more weeks and a few more fights led me to believe that my prince was nothing more than a toad wearing a crown, but I kept forgiving the outbursts until the fateful fight where he told me to “go kill yourself”. A terrible thing to say in general, but even worse for me because I lost my brother to suicide.

I knew it was over. There was no coming back from that, yet despite feeling pushed out of a horrible relationship, I still missed him. I KNEW he was completely wrong for me, but I still hoped for a tear-filled apology and us living happily ever after. How had I gotten sucked in so fast and how could I be SO attached to someone who treated me so horribly?

That’s when I scoured the internet again and discovered the ugly truth… I was codependent. I realized that the term is applicable to someone who is not supporting an addict or alcoholic. As I read the definitions and patterns I realized the description fit me perfectly.

…so I’ve now entered my healing phase. I’ve entered the 12 step CoDa program, and I’m determined to change. Every day is a struggle (sadly, I still miss the guy), but I want change.

Nice to at least have a name for it…