I’m not sure where to begin
I think I’m struggling and depressed, I’m sad all the time, and especially when I think about my oldest daughter and her daughter.
Back in 2017..My in laws had a house that was rented near the school my youngest daughter was attending. There was some confusion when my fil told us he didn’t want the property anymore and for us to take it. We researched rebuilding on the property, knowing we would need to pay one third of what the property was worth to each of my husband’s brothers. One brother didn’t agree with what had happened and wasn’t allowing it. So I spoke to them and I secured the property to be rented to my youngest daughter, who was renting further away for more money. Also our son was staying in a cousin’s basement and they were listing to sell, so he needed a place to stay.
My youngest daughter finished school and moved out in 2019
My oldest daughter tried to get into the property but my son rented to other ppl instead.
Fast forward to 2022..my oldest daughter was being evicted from the place she was living in because her boyfriend had canceled the lease. They had broken up, she had gotten a large dog,from the boyfriend, and was trying to finish up a course from a nearby college and graduate.
I persuaded both him and her to live together temporarily until she could finish her schooling.
It was a battle from the beginning, they were threatening each other, calling us all hours of the night, assaulting each other and refusing to listen to us. I pleaded with her to try and make it work she was so close to finishing. I insisted he stop arguing with her and let her complete her courses. It didn’t matter. They were accusing each other of stealing, breaking things and threatening harm. My mil decided they both had to go. They were both evicted and my son changed the locks so she couldn’t enter when he wasn’t home. When she moved out, my husband or his brother supervised so she didn’t take anything that didn’t belong to her, per my son’s request.
My son convinced my mil that he was going to have his son move in and needed to stay at the rental. She agreed and therefore he never had to move out.
My youngest daughter was engaged and we were having an engagement party for them, I was surprised when our oldest daughter showed up..she left her dog in our garage(allowing ppl to visit him) and left without saying goodbye. We took a family photo that day.
She cut ties with all of us, but she’d done that before.
Her youngest sister was getting married(they’d always been close) and she would not be attending. I believe she came to the engagement party to see if she would be asked to be in the wedding party. Our youngest daughter was hurt and angry. The wedding was beautiful but she was missing from all the family photos.
Four and a half months later she contacted my youngest daughter and asked to meet for coffee.  She had given birth to a baby girl, and had kept it from all of us! She was very adamant that we not find out about it and my youngest daughter kept it a secret until she called and invited us over. She said her older sister would be there, but to respect her boundaries and be kind. When I saw her holding my granddaughter, I was overwhelmed. I couldn’t stop crying. She had been pregnant,given birth and had a baby on her own. The child’s father wanted nothing to do with her, she was all alone. I was heartbroken   How had I been excluded from this? I couldn’t stay very long, I wanted to hold the baby but knew better than to ask, and felt like she was flaunting her and taunting me with her. I was devastated. My youngest was surprised we were leaving, told me she had cried too when she first met the baby, and that at least I knew my oldest daughter was okay. I said goodbye to them all and we left.
We saw her again with our granddaughter, a few weeks later at Easter.. we brought gifts for her and the baby ..we told no one in our family we had a granddaughter. I was attending a baby shower for my niece at my sisters house with my youngest daughter, when she told everyone at the shower that our oldest had had a baby. There was a certain amount of shock and confusion as to why it wasn’t shared before. My youngest stated she wanted to have a baby shower, on the drive home, and I said it was a little late, the baby was 8 months old, but maybe a nice First Birthday Party!
I tried not to ask too many questions about my oldest and her daughter, because I didn’t want to put her in the middle. But as the baby’s birthday came closer, I was trying to figure out what to get her.
A few days before the birthday,I reached out to my oldest daughter from my husband’s iPad. I had tried to reach out last year from mine and was told I had the wrong number… To my great surprise she responded, initially thinking it was her dad but soon realized it was me and we started communicating!!
She is very very hurt, and angry and quite abusive. She has accused me of loving all my other kids, but not her. She’s very upset that her brother got to stay on in the house and we supported it.  She wants to live closer (currently 2 hours away) and wants to live in my mils rental, which my son has taken his sweet time moving out of (2024) but now it is listed to be sold. I’ve explained it’s not possible, and told her I have no say in the property situation.
I’ve told her I’m sorry, she’s blamed us for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life. I’ve told her I would like to help her, she told me to buy her a house! She accused me of only reaching out because she had a baby and would never let me spend time with her. She found a home near where she is and asked me to help her with purchasing it. I reached out to the realtor, asking if we could view it. I was told there was a conditional offer on it but I could view it anyway.. I explained to my daughter that it didn’t make sense, but if she wanted to see it, we would drive the 2 hours (then 2 hours back) and she left it up to me to decide. I said if the offer fell through, we would view it and put in an offer with no conditions. The house sold.
I contacted another realtor asking for assistance to try and find her a home. I never promised anything,only that I would help.
We discussed her situation, she said she wanted to go back to school and needed support. I said I would try my best and be available for daycare and pet care. She accused me of wanting that in the first place and that it wasn’t going to happen. I told her it would be her expense.. or free from me. She was still angry, said I hadn’t respected her boundaries told me it might ten years for her to forgive me, that I’d always been a bad parent, I was the sole reason she was the way she was and it’s my fault her life had turned out this way. I apologized for not being the parent she needed, she berated me and told me that I was a terrible parent, I never loved her, I needed therapy. This went on for a week and a half.
Finally I decided I was going to set some boundaries…
I told her that I didn’t want her verbally abusing me anymore, it was hurtful and unfair. She said she should thank me for bullying her and toughening her up. I asked her if that’s what she was trying to do..toughen me up with her mental abuse?? She realized she had to stop and she apologized.
She explained that she couldn’t help herself because she was so angry that it automatically came out but apologized again and stated she didn’t like being that way or treating ppl that way. But she also said she couldn’t trust me and that I hadn’t respected her boundaries and that I couldn’t help her with what she needed, that she just hated me…I’m toxic, and she said her sadness keeps her angry which keeps her safe from being hurt from me again. And I’m not safer than her anger..
She regretted letting me back into her life, and was no longer wanting to try and fix it…she said she was working very hard at not being so Mean but wasn’t good at forgiving me because I hurt her the most😭😭😭
I told her I would give her space and to contact me if she needed to-she said she wouldn’t.
She says she’s not giving up what she has until I have something better secured and that’s how she’s doing everything in her life right now , minimizing her risk.
I told her I never meant to hurt her…