FM has appointments quite frequently, her family is still feuding, not respecting her wishes, fm health continues to decline, FM sons still trying to dictate her life and still their mourning process have them with pompous, smug attitudes full of desperation and creatism… They are frightened, and fearful. Their grief has brought out the “mad” scientists in each of them.

They are calculating and working formatively. Each wanting vindication and reparations.

They want to find and erase the balances between life and death….and be called a “God”

They feel like they all have the schematics but lack the prototype and host needed to demonstrate immortality.

They lack awareness and are in denial about their inability to prolong FM life.

If they had the knowledge, regardless of what her wishes were, they would.

All these people coming and going in FM house is really really triggering me and all of my traumas and anxieties are flaring up. I am more on edge than ever before . I dread and despise each and everyday even more than I already do. They lied and duped us.

..and I’m a naturally quiet and reserved person…having to speak often, relay messages, answer questions, be FM voices and memory, be around people, be bothered by people, etc….is too much.

I really wish I could leave here, but can’t…wish I could be terminated but can’t because until it’s my specify time to “go” or to stay but transition into a different form..I’m stuck here..and it’s nothing to be done about it.

We’re all allegedly stuck here until it’s our time.

FM 2 sons .. including the one out of town 2 days ago told us to take our time and the weekend to think about things ….staged an ambush on us yesterday by deciding to come by and visit ..aka demand answers.

I just wanted a quiet day. I just want to be settled. I just want to be still. I just want things robbed of me.and from me..

They stayed many hours..FM was very upset…they know she doesn’t enjoy nor want visitors nor company… especially not hours..and especially not people calling an hour before and saying they’ll be over within the hour. They know that she isn’t going to refuse and deny them..

She is always very vocal about her discomforts and dislikes to me, but seldom to others.

They came during a bad time and life for me ..

I was trying to distance myself and was in the midst of putting away groceries and trying to clean downstairs and they kept calling me. .I have health problems too…

All this is too much.

Then FM always wants me to be around and calls me when these doctors and nurses come. I always have to answer the door because she can’t..I try and go back up but she doesn’t allow me to.

It’s all too much.

Today
When walking FM to the car so that she can go to her doctors appointment and trying to hurry back in….a lady around in her 70s and 80s stopped me and asked for directions because she was lost..then she wanted to chat…so I stayed and listened.

I soon recognized and realized that she had some for and degree of dementia, Alzheimer’s, or both. She displayed the same cognitive loss and confusion as my FM. She told me that since her family didn’t have nor make time out for her, nor were they there much, she had walked in the cold 15 blocks looking for a way to get to the supermarket because she ran out of food for her furry friends and they hadn’t eaten since the previous day.. she said that she was very cold and would have dressed warmer if she had known.
She told me that she asked others in passing, but no one wanted to help or stop for her.

I informed her of her current location and the route to the supermarket. I felt like I needed to wait untill she boarded the trolley to leave…so I did.

She repeated these things serveral times. ..and several times the details morphed. She told me she fed 2 flurries. I suggested that from now on she could have in home delivery. She told me that she would call the store as she didn’t know about apps nor had anyone to show her.

She told me she had 18 flurries to feed and care for and that her husband nor children and those residing in the household had any time for her because they worked a lot. She felt that they owed her this because of what she has done and sacrificed for them all.

Towards the end of the conversation, she realized she had come out without her money and that it was on her pillow at home.

She started crying and cursed her lost of memory and the bad day she was having. It made me saddened and uncomfortable.

I haven’t any income, so I couldn’t assist. Even if I did, IDK how I would assist, because it’s clear that she wouldn’t be able to properly be responsible for managing and carrying money, and there aren’t any nearby stores, and too many people.

So I reminded her to contact the supermarket for delivery. She agreed, thanked me for helping and the conversation and bidded farewell. I watched her from the corner walking until she had disappeared.

I felt very saddened and triggered by the encounter. I felt very conflicted and confused about the role and role I should have taken.

I really wanted to ring emergency or the police because perhaps all wasn’t as she stated, and maybe she had a history of wandering off ..that maybe her family were involved and was very concerned and searching for her, that maybe she didn’t even feed and manage any flurries, or perhaps she did in previous times…

I really wish that she can get better care and a more stable and beneficial environment…if things are what she said. She probably might benefit from a home care worker, or residential placing .. depending on the severity of health and situation…but maybe she doesn’t want anything nor to move and her family is respecting her wishes.

I feel like this encounter may have been a bad omen…and a preview of things to come with FM.

FM still isn’t eating, still having bladder problems, etc…

She had a doctor’s appointment got blood drawn there, but because of this stupid unnecessary program..her son had a nurse come today and draw blood for that program. ..about an hour after she got home.

It was too much for her.
Plus the lady talked too much, answered and made 4 alleged work related calls each lasting 5-15 minutes…one call she answered FM had to have the needle dangling out her arm until finished call.

It doesn’t help FM vains are small and alot of phlebotomist have problems finding veins and drawing blood…which means poking FM with needles several times..FM doesn’t like that.

FM has been saying lately that she just doesn’t care about life anymore, and she’s ready to accept whatever happens and wants to discontinue services to have hopefully peaceful final days. I always encourage her to tell her family this and other things and not just me, but she always declines and goes back to being bullied pressured by her family.

Today after nurse left FM home, while going upstairs, FM fell and bumped head twice. I encouraged her to call her son or someone to take her to the hospital because falls can lead to concussions, seizures, etc…and things can happen and settle in very quickly sometimes without symptoms ..sometimes it may take several days for it to get worse…that immediate er care and monitoring is advised by her doctors.. she told me that she didn’t want to go, doesn’t believe me (as always) and she called her son out of town, who didn’t witness the fall ..

Foolishly told her it doesn’t sound serious and that she should wait a few hours to see how she feels, since she told him she felt ok. Of course she listened to him rather me.

FM had to crawl to the counter to get up, since she refused her cane and walker.

If it were up to me, I would respect her wishes to not go to the ER or do anything..but because of legalities, nowhere to go, no income, and perhaps shame guilt and reprimanding from her family, I can’t.