Marie,

I’m sorry for your anxiety, and understand how insecurities can take control of our brain and send us on a wild goose chase of fantasy and pain. Sometimes when we have a general feeling of “unsafe” or “uprooted” (such as being away from home, long distance relationships, learning a lot of dense or complicated materials) our anxiety can grab on to our creativity and begin painting in dark hues. This is normal and usual, and is not difficult to untangle, but does take some effort. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Its awesome that you see “the latching”, because that really is at the root of it. Often we think that the external circumstances are the source of our spinning, but most of the time its internal, in the grasping, latching.

For example, imagine you are in a wide open field with your boyfriend. The sun is shining, flowers blooming, birds chirping. You two are simply exploring, dancing, laughing, spinning in circles, and stop and sit down for a minute to rest. Out of the corner of your eye, you see a butterfly, and get up and dart off to investigate. The butterfly lands on your hand, and you turn to show your boyfriend, and laugh because he didn’t follow you, and is still sitting, relaxing.

In a different situation, imagine you and your boyfriend are walking down a crowded street. Car horns are blaring, people are bustling, sky is stormy. Suddenly, you hear a loud bang, and reach for your boyfriend’s hand, but its not there. Immediate panic flashes, and you turn and see him standing right there… he just didn’t notice your hand.

In the two examples, there was a reach from you to him. One, from a place of curiosity and wonder, you reached out wanting to share the beauty of the butterfly. The other, you reached out from a place of fear, wanting to feel secure, safe, home. In this way, connecting with our partner can be a sharing or a securing. Said differently, when you are feeling secure and safe, curious in an open field, the “not there” or “missed reach” isn’t met with panic, its met with patience, acceptance. When insecure, its no wonder that its met with panic. If, for instance, after the loud bang, you had to wait hours and hours to find out why his hand wasn’t there, how many dark fantasies can your creativity paint in the meantime?

The solution is again simple, but takes effort. We cultivate the field inside us. Said differently, the feeling of insecurity comes from being out of tune with our senses, so we bring our attention back to them. Sometimes it appears as though the environment is producing our anxiety, but that’s only our senses picking up new and unusual things, people, and places, and producing fantasy from our fears and hopes. So, when beginning to cycle with dark fantasies, consider “This is just the unknown” and move your attention back to your senses, specifically the feeling of breath in your body. The air moving past the nostrils, deep in the cavity behind the eyes, or the rising and falling of the abdomen… letting the fantasies come up, but just as ripples, nothing to do with them, just notice their empty nature and move back to the feeling of breath.

Proactivly, if you can spare a few minutes in the morning, consider starting a metta meditation practice. Metta is the sense or feeling of loving and warm friendship, and is much like a “field of wildflowers” for the heart. As we practice metta, we envision good things for ourselves and others, and this helps our mind become smooth and peaceful. This will help the fantasies have less gravity or pull, as well as wake up the playful, bouncy girl that has been a little swamped by stress.

Finally, don’t be ashamed of your insecurities, fears or confusion. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance on how to find the path of balance and joy, and so failure and fear very naturally arise for almost all of us as we bumble and grow our garden. Yours is already quite vibrant and beautiful, dear sister, so there’s no need for “what is wrong with me?!?” Nothing is wrong with you that isn’t a problem for almost everyone. 🙂

Namaste, sister, may your life blossom with peace and patience.

With warmth,
Matt

Thank you for the kind words, Marie, and you’re welcome! 🙂