And I mean outside of you support NOT as craig list but effective, supportive of him AND the relationship support, of course. He owes it not only to himself but to YOU to consider the well being of you! It should be a mutual thing: you putting your time and energy in benefiting him- but he needs to do the same. He will feel less guilty and more deserving of you if he too benefits you and the relationship. Give him that job, he needs it. He needs to shoulder some of the work.

Dear Anonymous:

It is very important that you do express it to him that his venting becomes too much for you. Somehow it needs to be done. I think it is not a question of IF but of how. Here is an example of how:

“(Name), you know I love you very much. I care about you, about how you feel and if it was up to me, you will always be happy, this is what I wish could be, you being always happy. Unfortunately it is impossible for anyone and unfortunately no matter how much I want you to be happy at any one time, and I do want it so much, I can’t make it so. I listen to you when you express your feelings and I think it is healthy for you that you do. It is healthy for everyone to express their feelings. Sometimes it gets to be too much for me, to heavy on me. At those times I will tell you:v ‘(Name), this is getting too much for me. I need a break.’ This is how I take care of myself. When I feel distressed I need to give myself a break. Sometimes I am going to express my feelings to you and if it gets too much for you, I want you to tell me you need a break. So we go back and forth, expressing, venting and taking breaks. ..”

And of course, follow with expressing your feelings and venting to him (if you don’t already do that)

anita

Dear Anonymous:

Of course I am not there in your place having the details you have. For example, what does your boyfriend venting looks like, is one thing in considering what should pass as normal. If in venting he regularly… goes on and on talking about how much he wants to die, and how he plans to do that, that should not be normal. It will drag you down even if you take breaks. If he calls you names while venting, that should never be tolerated (he does not from what I read, but this is an example). Also if he vents about the same thing over and over again, same thing and does not take any new action in what is bothering him, does not take any of your suggestions but keeps complaining about the same old, that also should not pass as normal.

On the other hand, venting while making efforts to improve the situation or his attitude, while he listens to your input and takes it is, that is normal- if you get to do it too, express your frustrations to him while you are working on improving yourself and circumstances and taking in his input. Empathy for each other is very important, listening, all that.]

I find out more and more how very few, if any, are the problem-free people out there (don’t know a single one). I used to think people are normal and I was abnormal. I used to think that because people laughed and looked happy or had regular jobs that the were normal or happy. Not so. You can look and look your whole life and not find a single man who will be… normal.

So venting plus working to improve self and circumstances plus taking in partner’s input, plus partner doing same, plus both taking breaks when distressed, when it gets too much. This is my answer. What do you think?

anita

Hello Anonymous – it appears to me that you have a healthy relationship with your boyfriend despite some of his issues / your reactions. A bit of solitude when things get to be too much always seems to help. Some people feel lonely and anxious when they’re alone – so I don’t know if this is good advice for you, but if you’re someone who thrives on soul searching, time alone might help you during anxious times like these – journaling, long walks, meditation are all great things to get you back on track.

Another thing you could do is to try to narrow down on what’s causing the anxiety – when you lump them all together it might seem like an insurmountable situation, but if ask yourself what’s the one thing that’s causing you the most anxiety at this time, then work on improving that one situation, it might start to put you back on happy path. It doesn’t sound like it’s your boyfriend, since you’re figuring out a way to talk to him; so it could be one of the other things you mentioned -so ask yourself what one thing would make you happy right now… the first answer that comes to mind – for ex, living by the ocean, or having the perfect job – whatever comes to mind first may be the thing that’s causing you anxiety because it’s not happening for you right now. Once you hone in on what feels off you can try to course-correct your path. Even if you can’t do it right away, just awareness alone will get you a long way away from anxiety.

I’m glad you’re also considering therapy – good luck with everything!!