Also, he comes from a “traditional” family where the classical gender roles must be respected and i know it clashes a lot with what he would like to look. Therefore that might explain why he has gender identity issues. As he doesn’t follow the “classical” gender path ?

Yes he went to see a counselor and before the pandemic begins, he was supposed to start a therapy as well. He had to face illness, deaths in his family and insults based on his look. I was wondering if maybe he could have put a lof of pressure because of my past as well? He asked me a lot about what i did, with which kind of men i was etc. I usually dated men older than me (i had serious father’s issues i recently finally overcame which is why i started to be interested by younger men as i told him).

He seemed to be extremely concerned to be “at the same level” i would say, in the sens that he asked me about my social life, social environnement and i was as honest as he was, I used to date men from NYC/Manhattan, Paris etc. I explained why i went through a phase where i was with people i didn’t get along at all.

Also, i speak various languages and he started to learn Spanish (i’m extremely familiar with this language as well) and we tried to speak it together. Although he gave up as he saw he couldn’t have a “decent” chat with me. So naturally i proposed to teach him as i really love teaching but.. he refused. He did the same with music, i proposed him to show him some stuffs on piano but he kinda refused. While when it’s him who knows something i don’t know, he’s always up to teach me ?

Hi Anita,

I would say the second option is the most likely one. As far as i could understand, his mother was very strict, she pushed him after high school into a business school, she is stuck to the rules and she was the one who “attacked” him on his apparence (which isn’t masculine enough for her apparently).  His father is the “cool” figure indeed, however he’s not often at home because of his job.

In addition, “my” boy is the elder of three children. I would say he has the maturity of a big brother but deep inside he’s still a young kid who had to grow up faster because of the responsibilities which were imposed by his parents regarding his younger brother and sister maybe? These are only suppositions.

I know he has a lot of issues to accept himself and honestly i’m glad that he never thought about staying with me in order to just flatter his ego, he never tried to lower me either.

He told me when we talked about his issues that he felt extremely apathetic and when he said that i knew it would affect what he felt for me. This was one of the reasons i asked him if he wanted space and alone time, like i told him, i really didn’t want that he felt the potential relation became a burden during this hard time.

Why did he refuse to give to himself time and space while he told me that in order to rest he needed to be alone? Why did he push himself in a situation where he wasn’t comfortable? Why i feel like he was extremely concerned by the commitement? I mean, he knew i didn’t want a summer fling or a hookup, but once again, i told him i wasn’t expecting from him a proposal, i just wanted to take it very slow and easy regarding the circumstances and.. yeah, for me, being slow at the beginning, is the only way to try out if something with someone has a real potential or no.

He knew we had/have a strong connection, he acknowledged it as well. Everything was new for both of us as it was the first time i could spend that much time talking with someone and the most important, that was the very first time i felt comfortable and confident with someone that quick and so did he according to himself. I was ready to support him no matter what would be his decision if he wanted whether to temporary stop or no, he knew it. How comes in a few days, he could gift me a big box of chocolates, consider with his friends that we were a “serious thing” and all of sudden decide he “didn’t feel comfortable” and that “the honeymoon phase was over” while it didn’t even start at all (from a very down to earth point of view)?

Some of my friends told me that maybe he just didn’t feel comfortable to be in a relationship at all due to his issues and that would have nothing to see with me. I don’t think i forced him into something he would feel uncomfortable as i asked him many times if he was sure about his decision.

I really don’t get his current attitude either. How comes last week we talked everyday many hours per day, everything was super nice, friendly and flirty at the same time and suddenly he’s very distant? I would have understood if we got bored but the point is, we were far the be bored as last time we got a long talk we stayed to talk from 4:00pm until 1:30am in non-stop..

What am i supposed to do now? I feel like i did everything i could do, i don’t want to lose him but i don’t know what are his positions toward me and i don’t think he really knows himself to be honest..

Yes that was my guess as well. He got a direct hit in his “masculine ego” by his own mother. And that, i suppose hit pretty hard after when it comes to intimate relationships. I don’t really expect something anymore, or at least not on a short-term now, even a middle-term would be kinda too optimistic in my opinion anyway. At the moment i think i mostly want to understand what happened, to which extent his mental issues affected/affect him toward me. Everything is too recent, i don’t even want to try to move to the step forward the relation. At some point i feel like i mostly need to understand i guess.

I agree with you, there is nothing at all i can do anymore, I really miss him and i really want to try out something but, i know he’s in a vicious circle where he doesn’t consider himself worth of love and i know he needs to heal by himself as well. This is a hard pile to swallow. And i keep wondering if he really wants to keep in touch or if he’s just going a down time now. I read a lot about anxiety/depression/introversion lately, i’m aware he needs his alone time mostly after socializing but still. I can’t stop myself thinking about his intentions even tho i’m aware he must be in the same questioning phase as me.

To talk about my daddy’s issues, i was raised by a single mom therefore i don’t have a real father’s figure. I think i was looking in my previous relationships a substitute to that missing figure in my life. And this is why i dated older men (in average between 5 and 11 years older than me). Although i finally got over that issue pretty recently actually. And this younger guy is i would say (and paradoxically enough) the “healthiest” attraction i’ve ever had, in the sens that i don’t see him as any substitute, it was him, as a person i was/am attracted to.

I started to be aware of his mental issues kinda early but i found out how strong they were pretty recently. I never tried and never felt the need to fix him as i’m perfectly aware that it’s not my role anyway. I just tried to make him understand that i accepted him, not only for the good but also for his flaws. I don’t think i really succeed in this task and i wonder if it would be too late for that? Not necessarily in a romantic style but just in general. I mean, he’s a really kind person and very honest, he never tries to take advantage of a situation or of someone, that’s actually the contrary. I realized, beyond the strong and primary attraction i had/have for him, i valued him a lot as person because of his lifestyle which is actually very sane.

I do feel strongly for him indeed. We were for each other the first time in many areas (me for him as first person he wanted to be with for a serious thing and him for me the youngest person i felt for and all the meanings behind this choice)

If I remember correctly he asked me a lot about how long did i stay with them, how old were they, from which kind of social environment they were with a focus on the social part actually. All my ex are from a “wealthy” environment. He asked me a lot about my education as well. I got a very traditional one, very “bourgeoise” and everytimes we talked about that i could sens he felt uncomfortable, i don’t really know why.

We are both from the same “social class” (“middle-upper class” to quote himself) i told him i didn’t care about those kind of stuffs. But he seemed to be kinda preoccupied by those kind of things. I mean, i didn’t choose the kind of education i received, i won’t hide my personality or my past, that would be lying about me. I accept him as what he is and i think i have the right to expect the same from someone isn’t it?

Indeed, he seems to be very concerned with social status/wealth/education. For instance i remember him asking if i used to go to thrift shops, if i had to work in order to get what i’d like to. I’m only child and i don’t come from the “working-class” that’s a fact i’ve never really had to put many efforts to get what i want. Moreover, in my hometown, thrift shops don’t exist therefore i’m not use to go to those kind of places. But, did i really have to justify those points? Once again, he was the one who always brought those topics, i told him, i didn’t and i still don’t care about that. And what’s the point anyway? Someone with a bit of privileges isn’t instantly an abomination and not a bad person, i mean, it’s all about balances right? Why did i have to justify those aspects of my life? Because we are both from the same social class..

Your thinkings have some good points: “His family life was stressful, there was tension in the air, the more he interacts with his family members, the higher his distress level, so he turns inward,  withdraws from the outside, becomes introverted- less stress that way.” => Apparently his mother’s family is kinda in conflict with him (still due to his appearance) as well. Moreover there are some internal conflicts (i don’t really know the purposes, he didn’t talk about them and i didn’t want to ask him too much questions) between his mother’s family and his mother.

“He meets you, feels connected, has a date with you, sex, then he turns inward/withdraws (its his habit by now). Let’s be friends, he tells you, and reaches out to you to talk, a lot. You suggest to give a relationship a try, he agrees, then he turns inward- it’s his habit, since early childhood.” => Yes, i tend to agree with that as well. However i would blame more his anxiety/introversion rather than a fear of reproducing the same scheme than the one he knows from his family.

“He witnessed a bad marriage between his parents, lots of stress in the home.His mother is the strict, aggressive parent, his father- the cool parent. His empathy is with his father, so he tries to be for his father what his mother was not: gentle, feminine. He doesn’t want to ever be stuck with a woman, like his father and himself have been stuck with his strict, aggressive, unpleasant mother. He gets scared if a girl wants a second date with him, gets scared that a girl/ young woman will want to marry him.” => Lots of stress at home that’s true but, i don’t think his mother is that “aggressive”, strict yes for sure. Because they are really close him and his mother. I was thinking that maybe she overprotected him actually, she is certainly very bossy and she seemed to have taken decisions for him many times regardless if he whether he was ok or no with that. (e.g him being pushed into a business school while he never wanted to work in this area). He talked a lot about his mother, she was his reference, more than his father actually.

I would say he wants to be with someone, to find his “only one” yet he’s scared, he feels unworthy of being loved due to his issues, not only the family ones but also his mental ones. I could sens he badly wanted to be “on the same level”. Also, i remember asking him if he wanted that i teach him something on piano, he said no but i learned afterward that he accepted that someone else taught him the same thing i proposed to teach..

“– you talked so much, “about everything”,  and yet he is very much a mystery to you. What is that “everything” that you talked about?” => We talked about our common readings, musical tastes, our personnal issues, a lot about feminism, constructivism, gender issues etc. We could jump from a serious topics to a very light and breezy one without any disturbance