November 13, 2017 at 4:38 pm #177969
It’s been about 2 months since my emotionally abusive and manipulative ex broke up with me, and a month since I’ve seen him and I figured out he had been cheating on me with his ex. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but the relationship was incredibly toxic and left me completely broken. I’ve lost 12 pounds, have been sick consistently since the break up, have been having panic attacks regularly…I’ve just been a mess. I’m just now starting to feel better and get back on my feet, but the lack of closure is giving me anxiety. Well to put it specifically, I wasn’t expecting closure to come until he responded to a text my mother sent him last month, and he told her to tell me he isn’t ignoring me, he just needs space and time to get to the proper place to speak to me. He blocked me on everything and theres ablsoutely no way for me to get in contact with him, so I had my mother text him about something I needed from him and thats when he told her he was eventually going to speak to me. This was about a month ago. He’s blocked me on everything and there is absolutely no way to get into contact with him. Before he told her that, I had already mildly expected that we would never speak again. As soon as I began to make peace with that, thats when my mom told me what he said. Now, my anxiety is slowly growing as time goes on, because he has yet to contact me and it’s been over a month. Part of me believes that him saying that to her was just to say it to hold closure over my head knowing he would never give it to me (because he’s just that manipulative), but another part of me feels like that closure might come. I understand that in situations like this, accepting that closure might never come is something to accept, but the text he sent my mom is whats making this a thousand times more difficult for me. I feel extremely tense 24/7 “waiting” for him to text me, and I;m always scared its going to come at an inconvenient time. I’m also terrified of how I will react to the text. My emotions have been extremely volatile since the break up and I’m afraid of what might come once I do get that text. I really feel like this is another one of his mind games, or maybe I just haven’t given him enough time. Either way, I need to find a way to ease this anxiety and I’m not sure how. I’m just constantly on edge nowadays, and no matter how much yoga I do, how long I meditate, how many affirmations I rewrite or how much I try to rationalize my feelings, I can’t shake this anxiety. It’s crippling, and I’m angry because he knows that. He knew that if he were to somehow plant in my head that he would come back around, it would mess with me. I’m also having difficulty believing that my thought process with all this is rational…another product of this highly abusive relationship. I cant trust how I feel anymore and can never justify myself if how I’m feeling is rational after 6 months of gaslighting and invalidating from said ex. How do I ease the anxiety from this? I don’t want him back, and I although I do want closure, there was a point and time I was okay with not getting it but that was before he sent my mom that text. I’m just not sure how to release this…I still feel like he has a grip on me mentally and emotionally even months later and I don’t know how to release myself from it.November 14, 2017 at 6:31 pm #178101
I’m sorry for your pain. In your post you mentioned that your ex is emotionally abusive and manipulative. He used you as a rebound. With these facts, you’re still waiting for him to give you closure? What could he say to you that would make you feel better? You haven’t lost anything because it’s not love if he doesn’t love you back. You need to get a grip of reality. He’ll run back to you when things aren’t going well with his gf. Are you going put your life on hold until he does? I’m sorry to sound so harsh but that’s reality. It doesn’t matter how great or bad a relationship we had, sometimes we never get closure from the other person because no matter what they tell us, we’d never be satisfied with their answers for cheating/emotionally unavailable/already married/FWB/abandonment or whatever. It’s up to us to love and forgive ourselves. No one can give you your peace back except you so stop giving him so much power over you. Remember that he’s not doing anything to you because he has already blocked you. It’s YOU who is torturing yourself – having your mom contact him and fantasying about a relationship that didn’t exist.
From what I read, you have very little regards for yourself that you NEED him to give you closure and that his actions (of a douchebag) aren’t enough for you to run like he11. Until you’re able to love, cherish, and appreciate yourself, the hope of finding someone who will is nil. If I were you, I’d work on yourself so that you are best placed to make healthy choices about who you invite into your life. This will prevent you from selling yourself short.
These two articles hit me like a brick and probably what helped set me free along with the great advice I received from others here. Best of luck to you.November 15, 2017 at 4:19 am #178133
Dear Nia N:
This man has some financial ability: when in groups he picks up the bill, I understand, from what you shared in previous threads. When you had nowhere to live, he offered you his home, to live rent free, no contribution on your part required for utilities, food and such, correct? And then, he paid for your car repairs and some of the car payments… and for outings with your mother, trips taken… and for your mother’s hip replacement.
Notice, the power of money, how we are drawn to it.
Your mother should not have sold her house before she had a place to move to, so to not rely on a friend for a place to live. If she kept her house, you would have had a place to live and not rely on this man. If you were financially self sufficient, able to provide the minimum required for yourself, you would have been less drawn to this man.
Unnecessary financial distress is a poor basis for a relationship, it blocks your understanding of yourself and the man, blocks honest communication, and as your story indicates, carries a heavy price: you pay an emotional price for those “freebies”- in quotations, because they were far from being free or freeing.