Dear Hailey:

“I know that facing fear is about accepting your shortcomings very well, facing them, and then overcoming them… my friend told me that my emotional intelligence is very low”-

– if your shortcoming is low emotional intelligence (EI), to overcome it, you can learn and increase your EI. The higher your EI, the lower your anxiety in the workplace and in other social situations.

“For example, my colleague bought a house, which is a happy thing. But I asked her why she wanted to buy a house in an area with a high crime rate instead of congratulating her. I was worried about her safety but I missed the timing to explain why I said that.  She was so awkward and walked away with an unhappy face. After that, she kept targeting me”-

In the above, I boldfaced what you retroactively figured, that is, after the exchange. At the time of the exchange, you were not aware, or not adequately aware that it was a happy thing that she bought a house (and therefore congratulation her would have been appropriate). Instead, you were worried so you asked that question. You reacted to your emotion (worry), not considering her emotion (happy, proud perhaps).

This is a significant part of what a low EI is about: being aware of, and reacting to your own emotions while having no adequate awareness of the other person’s emotions and therefore not considering the other’s emotions when reacting.

When your colleague shared that she bought a house, did she share it with a frown or a smile? A shaky, weak voice or a confident, strong voice?

If she shared it with a frown and a weak voice, the appropriate response would be to ask her (with concern and empathy in your voice and face), something like: you seem worried about it, are you?

If she replies:  says yes, I am worried about the crime rate in the neighborhood, you could then say: oh, I am sorry. When did you find out about the crime rate in the neighborhood? At that point, she could share with you if she knew about the crime rate before she bought the house and if she did, why she bought it anyway. The point in your input would be not to suggest that she was stupid to have bought a house, but to give her the opportunity to comfortably (without being judged) express her emotions.

Part of EI is being self-aware, that is, aware of your own emotions, strengths and shortcomings. Being aware that your EI is your shortcoming at this time, means that when in social situations such as the workplace, you should say less (“the more I said, the more wrong I was“). You can use the NPAR strategy to accomplish it: someone says something, Notice that you are about to respond, then Pause (say nothing), next Address this question: how should I respond? or should I respond? Next, Respond or not.

You can prepare a list of standard responses to things people generally say, memorize it and use the list when needed. If someone says something to a group of 2 or more people, and you are one of the group, you can let other people respond first. If their responses are taken well, you can respond similarly to the others.

Anytime when your emotions are intense, you will need to lower the intensity of your emotions, aka regulate your emotions, before responding. Emotion Regulation is part of EI. For example, a colleague says X, and you feel very anxious, not knowing what to say or do. Instead of just sitting there and saying whatever comes to your anxious mind, you can excuse yourself, walk elsewhere where you have a moment alone, take a few slow breaths and figure out what to say when you return to the colleague. In this example, you regulate your anxiety by taking some alone time for yourself.

“When I was in school, I was disliked by my classmates every single year. I had good friends every year of school, but at the end my friendship always didn’t end well“- were you angry at your classmates before or after the friendships ended?

anita

Dear Hailey:

“I was afraid of making a fool of myself, the more I said, the more wrong I was. Then I regretted why I said so many wrong things and offended people. I was so worried that they would misunderstand me and hate me“-

-just in case it is a concern for you, I want to assure you that here, on your thread, I will not hate you even if I misunderstand you. If I do not understand anything you say, I will ask you to explain what you meant by what you said, and if you choose to explain, you will… and I will understand. I will not be offended by what you say nor by how much you say. I wish I could read more from you.

anita

Dear Hailey:

You are welcome and I am glad that you posted again. It is never late to post, so your reply is not late.

“I always thought my empathy was very strong. But when it comes to communication, it’s not working at all“- my understanding (and please correct me if I am wrong) is that when you are alone at home, or alone elsewhere, let’s say in a park, you are relatively calm. When alone and relatively calm, and you think about people (or animals) who suffer, or you watch TV and see a person on TV suffer, you feel strong empathy.

But when you are with people, in social situations, you are so anxious that you don’t feel empathy, or much of any feeling other than anxiety. Am I understanding correctly?

“About this NPAR strategy, could you recommend me any books that I could read to help to improve my EI? I would love to learn and improve my EI“- I can’t recommend any books to you because I haven’t read books for years (I did read very little in one book recently because it was given to me as a gift and didn’t like the book). I donated all the books that I read in the past, so I have no books in mind. I just googled books on the topic and I can see a few titles that include the words emotional intelligence in them. (I came up with the term NPAR, so it’s not in a book).

My emotional intelligence was low for years before I improved it. What a relief and what a difference this improvement is making in my life, it’s like day and night: life is not easy, but it is so much easier with a higher EI. You know how you operate in life using your five senses, well EI is like a valuable extra sense that makes you understand people (including yourself) so much better. It makes you more and more confident around people because you view yourself as.. well, emotionally intelligent, and people usually respond very well to emotionally intelligent people.

I just googled further and came across a website called talent LMS. com/ Emotional Intelligence. Looks like it offers courses for managers in the workplace, but maybe it can help you too.  EQ, by the way,  stands for Emotional Quotient and it means the same as Emotional Intelligence. The courses listed are titled: “What is EQ?”, “Self-Awareness”,  “Self-Regulation”, “Emotional Intelligence: motivation”, “Emotional Intelligence: empathy”, “Social Skills”, “Improving your EQ“, and more.

So you see, you can improve your EI (aka EQ). If you would like to, you and I can keep communicating and…  improve each other’s EI!

anita

How are you, Hailey?

anita