Hi Anita and hi Jay Jay,

I have an update from this post. My husband requested sis in law to visit us separately due to past issues during her visit. The in laws still resisted and said “nothing will happen this time and that I should not worry etc.” At that moment, I went ahead and sent out an email to the entire family pointing out that it was inappropriate behavior on her part during last visit as she brought up delicate family issues in husband’s absence instead of addressing to him. After this, there was no response from anyone. But they went ahead and did what we asked. Accordingly , the in laws visited us for 50 days. They went and visited the sis in law at her home during the visit. So, all that went great.

But after that email, there has been zero communication between me and my sis in law. She had sent a gift for my baby through in laws. I did not acknowledge or thank her for it at the time. Recently, after the in laws left, I thought that I should at least  acknowledge and thank her for the gift. So, I texted her to say thank you and that we missed thanking her before as we had been so busy. She sent a short reply saying “no problem, love to kids”. Now, since sending out this text message I have been having some regret/ mixed feelings. I feel like I never received an apology from sis in law after pointing out her mistake in that email and that I should not have been the first one to message her after that or to extend the olive branch. Though I am not sure, if a mere act of thanking someone for a gift they send qualifies as an olive branch. I feel like I should have let her approach me / write to me first. I almost feel like by messaging her, I kind of conveyed that it is ok now and that I let it go, when in fact I am still upset and not over it. So, I feel like I lost every  opportunity to receive an apology from her. I feel upset over my own action and I can’t go back in time and undo that now. On the other hand, had I not thanked her for the gift, I would possibly think that it wasn’t nice of me to not thank her. Sometimes, I feel like the mind is a killer, no matter what we do it will find a way to upset you.

Do you think I am right in my thinking? Or am I overthinking this? Is there anything I can do now to show my anger?

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your reply. yes, the message was short. Just asking how they were , thanking for gift adding we missed thanking before being busy and sending love to her kids. Nothing else. Is that too much?

Yes, I agree. I don’t want to do anything from here on. I honestly feel like I am done having this relationship and don’t want to talk ever again. So, I think I might be done here in her case.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.

Hi Anita,

thanks for that again! Normally, I consider myself quite a good and thoughtful communicator. Also the reason, I am slightly disappointed in myself for that text. Think there was a mixed psyche behind this action . I think I had some guilt play on my mind for calling her out in the email to the family. I know that it was the truth & i don’t believe in shying from telling the truth ever, but I know that can hurt someone. Hence , the dilemma at the time of texting I think. I think there were 2 feelings in play at the time I texted her, one the slight guilt and the other side , the anger. But in that moment, I think the former was stronger . Hence the ability to be polite. Now after texting, I feel the anger has gotten stronger. So much so that now to make my stand I don’t want to have any relations with her. Is it common to be so stressed over small acts like these?  Or do I overthink. Especially in her case even the littlest of actions like these. Is this habit something I can get over & how?

Hi Anita,

This required some thinking on my part. Honestly, I have reached a stage where I want to cut off all relations with my in laws side at least sis in law forever & find my own free self back again. And,  I have already started working on that by minimizing all sorts of contact , even being on calls. But as I think of it, is it possible to carry on like this forever? Can you love your husband & hate his family & practically have no contact whatsoever? On one hand , you are married to the love of your life & have beautiful kids and cannot fathom a life without him & on other hand there’s literally nothing you like about his family, they are toxic and backward & incompatibile  in every possible way. How can one be in no contact at all being part of the same family? Now to give an example, I expect an occasion the first time we visit in laws in my native country & I almost can predict they will invite my sis in law & her kids to attend that. How can one avoid such occasions or contact of all sorts? Therein lies my conflict . I feel trapped in this marriage in that sense. I feel forced (my husband never forces me or says anything) but in realistic / pragmatic terms I find it difficult to achieve the absolutely no contact goal. That’s my dilemma, how can I totally break free , without breaking my marriage? I sometimes think of a crazy solution whereby I am just girlfriend with my husband but not wife & that way not part of same family, so totally don’t have to care or even bother to visit them ever. But who are we kidding ?

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by curiousknowledgeseeker.

Thanks Anita for your help every single time!