Dear Karen:

You wrote that it shouldn’t worry you what others think, but for some reason it does. My comment on this is that it is natural to worry about what other people think of us. It is an inborn concern for any social animal. Within a herd for example, or a pack of animals, if members of the herd or the pack reject one particular individual, that means likely death for that individual following the rejection. Rejected from the herd or the pack, the individual is less likely to hunt successfully or be protected while feeding by the members around, shielding the individual from predators.

So we are born with that concern.

The challenge for us as humans is to examine any particular situation and figure out: if I am disapproved of by this individual or that group of people, what does it mean to me? Is there a disadvantage to me in practical terms as a result of such disapproval/ rejection?

For a young child, like other young animals, rejection by one’s parents, by one’s mother, usually, means death to the young animal, not being able to find food by herself or be protected. So children are very much affected by any sign of rejection by a parent.

anita

Dear Karen:

Keep doing what works for you (as nothing works perfectly, every time), guided meditations and exercise. I hope the appointment with the GP leads to something helpful to you.

I understand your point about other people’s opinions about your relationship. Did anyone, his parents, yours, anyone make a negative comment about the relationship?

Regarding a perfect relationship- you have been focusing on the one casual, insignificant otherwise occasion where yo flirted with a guy. I have a question: does having a perfect relationship include the following: your boyfriend never flirting, however casually, with another, neither one of you ever feeling angry at the other, neither one of you ever feeling unhappy in the company of the other, neither one of you having a negative thought about the other?

anita

Dear Karen:

I am studying your posts so far on your thread trying to look for the origin of your anxiety.

You wrote: “Depression kicked in during secondary school.. with a very strong feeling of being isolated, different and misunderstood by everyone around me“, and “I deeply fear people seeing me in a negative light”.

As a teenager, you wrote, you did “small things” when you were drunk and you are afraid that you “will be scandalized by my past”.

Recently, you flirted with an acquaintance of yours and your partner’s. Following that flirting you believed that you “had tarnished mine and my partner’s amazing relationship” and that “everyone would be talking about what I had done”. You felt that you “ruined something I saw as perfect“.

You worry about “what his parents are thinking of me” and recently had a nightmare “about my partner leaving me after being influenced by his parents”.. The flirting “made me feel like my relationship is no longer perfect and that people outside of our relationship would be able to make negative comments about it and judge us”.

I am thinking that maybe you really were misunderstood as a child, that it may be that it happened repeatedly that you did something (“something I saw as perfect”), had no ill intent, didn’t mean anything bad by it, but a parent reacted angrily to what you did as if you did something wrong, bad and damaging.

That led to the fear that you will do something catastrophically wrong but not know about it until after the fact, until someone tells you that it was catastrophically wrong and by then your life will be ruined.

Think about it and let me know what you think, will you?

anita

Dear Karen:

Can you give me examples of the “little things” about which she screamed at you?

anita

Dear Karen:

I am not very focused right now, so I would like to re-read your recent two posts tomorrow morning when I am more focused. If you would like to post by then answering the following, please do:

What help did you get at the GP?

You wrote in the post before last: “sometimes I would as questions or say things that would be misinterpreted… not understanding my intentions”- can you give a couple of examples of things you said or questions you asked that were misinterpreted, your intention misunderstood?

* Will be back in about 13 hours.

anita

Dear Karen:

There was a price to pay for that free wine (not so free after all). I hope you do qualify for therapy and that it will be therapy with a capable, empathetic therapist.

You wrote that you “always felt the pressure not to let people down and always act correctly or perfectly to make other people’s lives easier”- to not let people down (and make their lives easier) so that they don’t get angry at you and don’t scream at you or punish you in some way?

anita