Dear Anita
I apologise, I have not explained myself particularly well.

I do not have a good memory of my childhood and it has become considerably worse post-therapy. Previously, I would have just given the blanket statement of ‘I had a good childhood’, but now that therapists have asked me to zoom in on what memories I have, I have seen some issues and am no longer sure of the quality of my care when I was a child – I remember isolated incidents that could be described as less than adequate care, and some memories that would be described as adequate (or good) care, but I would not be able to say the frequency of either type of event or really give any impression of the overall quality of care. I am not the best judge of it, bizarrely. I simply do not have enough memories to evaluate it, which I put down to being an extremely daydreamy child – I probably just was not with it most of the time so memories did not get stored.

I do remember in those negative memories times when I would have been criticised or when it would have been understandable for me to feel shame, but to answer your question these episodes are not called to mind when I feel shame and they do feel very disconnected. I can logically connect childhood events to present-time emotions, but I cannot emotionally connect them. It just seems so long ago (I am 28, so it os quite a long time ago now!) I would say that the emotions are very non-verbal and come more as a ‘state of being’. I would say shame is also very normalised for me so I did not identify it as shame for many years and it feels a little like ‘just how life is’. I had many of the disorders linked to chronic shame, such as eating disorders, and later I developed social phobia (in my late teens, which is oddly late on for social phobia), and workaholism. I have overcome all of this now (except, arguably, the workaholism, though it is nowhere near as bad).

I don’t think I have a reason to be ashamed (i.e. I do not think I am shameful), but I am somewhat as a loss as to what to do about it. I do, as you say, survive rather than live and have for as long as I can remember, but I seem to tolerate it well. I suppose I’m more now starting to think about the possibility of a different way of living in which I feel fulfilled or satisfied or content. I suppose I have no idea how to overcome shame that seems so illogical, so started to wonder if I could be happy as well as ashamed….although I guess that doesn’t make sense, does it?!

Dear Anita
Yes, I somewhat agree and had come to a similar decision myself, although I am not putting aside the possibility that some children (potentially myself) are more sensitive to their environment than others as well and that it may be a collaboration of both factors. It has been pointed out in me that I am sensitive to my environment in that I notice beauty around me in nature and art and can really ‘feel’ that, and I also notice and ‘feel’ the emotions of others more immediately than others. I don’t think these are necessarily ‘bad’ things, they certainly have their uses and they definitely give me joy (because I can become absorbed in the beauty of art and nature, and because I am both compassionate towards the pain of others and happy for them when they are happy, seeing as I ‘catch’ their happiness too!) But of course it does potentially mean I am a little more vulnerable to my surroundings and need to ground myself from time to time (which isn’t a problem, particularly).

With my parents, my mother has suffered quite severe mental health problems in her time (she believes she at one point had borderline personality disorder although I could not account for the validity of that) and I know that when I was a child she was volatile. She is much better now. She was abused as a child and had a very painful upbringing and she had not yet been treated when I was being raised. My father has problems in the opposite direction in that he is not capable of closeness particularly. We did not bond when I was young as we did not share either emotional or physical closeness and he was fiercely critical (especially when I was doing well – as if to keep me from ‘getting above my station’). So both parents had their own problems that will undoubtedly have affected my childhood, and of course I can logically surmise how this will have led to a feeling of shame, although when I look back I do not really even feel that I am the same person as I was back then because it is difficult to relate to myself as a child, knowing little – I suppose – of who I was at the time. I am not sure I could say I had a ‘bad’ childhood, as I would wonder what that meant really – compared to what? I would say that my care must have been inadequate, but I also trust my parents did the best they could with what they had, and I would say they also managed (against the odds) to do many things very well.

Dear Michelle – thank you for your thoughts. These were very interesting as I was actually preparing to explain to my therapist why I practice forgiveness and compassion so much :-p (He seems to think it is a perfectionistic standard but I do not).

I don’t tend to hold grudges or get hung up on others’ behaviour towards me and the reason for this is that I learned long ago – who knows when – that if I take a deep breath and think ‘this person has struggles, as do I, I hope they feel good again soon’ and feel a sense of love and warmth towards them regardless of what they do, it brings me peace. But thank you for your suggestion because I know that doing this does make me feel peaceful so I think the suggestion is a very good one.

Which brings me neatly to Anita’s response and again we’re getting into things I’ve been trying 😀 Not to say your words are not helpful because they are. I realised that I am compassionate towards others but not myself and that I do not need to ‘think myself into that space’ when it comes to others. For instance, a friend of mine often needs reassurance and help and it often feels like she does not listen to what I say so that we have the same conversation again and again. I eventually felt frustrated and vented to a friend, who said simply: “Well, she’s just going to have to learn how to self-soothe”. Without thinking, I replied: “Well I think that’s rather a tall order. Self-soothing is normally learned at age three or below, we’re talking about someone in their 30s, I think she will learn to self soothe in time but it will not be overnight.” I didn’t feel like I was being defensive and I didn’t feel angry or anything, I was just putting across my personal belief. I realised later that had those words been said against me: “You’re just going to have to self soothe”, I would have immediately thought: “They’ve got a point, I’m not very good at that and I should be better, I’m a complete nutcase and no one should ever have to be around me.” I would not practice the same logic towards myself as I do others.

Trying to give myself the same standards as others, and not expect myself to magically ‘do better’ has been difficult, but I think you are right that I gave up too quickly.

Also, although my shame does not come with words, I had a think about it and decided I think my shame is down to a very abstract concept of not being ‘normal’. I feel that I am not the same as other people and that I cannot be trusted in social situations because I don’t understand how to be a normal human being (so I must be hidden). I feel like I have no idea what normal is or how to behave (although I do not, and have never had, behavioural problems…) I was socially excluded at school until I was 11, so this may be the cause, although at the time I did not find it upsetting (because I saw the other children as ‘not so important any way’ and did not feel I was missing out). I will try to just let that be a thought, or a feeling, and trust that it is not a reflection of reality. And as you say, I will not stop because it doesn’t work immediately 😉

Thanks all