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  • #366224
    Rachal
    Participant

    So I have a boyfriend of 11 years now and we are getting married next year. He is a nice guy but quite a few times in the past I have caught him sexting with other men I did ask him about his sexual pref and orientation he said he is just bi curious and wanted to know about guy on guy fantasies too. I was a bit shaken and taken aback and he asked me to read his chats with these people and it was all about what they would do sexually he said I would never go ahead and meet anyone this is just like porn for me I just wanted a platform for my curiousity so somehow I wrapped my head around it and thought its fine my friends said its not cheating everybody has a thing and may be this is his thing his outlet I mean as long as he doesnt go out with them. I decided to let go and give it another chance but 2 years back I again caught him doing the same thing when I was living in with him we dont have frequent sex just once or twice in 3 weeks I said if you were horny I was right outside why didnt you come to me he said its weird for him to share his sexual fantasies with me fearing that I would leave him because of his twisted fantasies so he would never talk to me but sexting is something he used to do  before he met me like its that long of a habit. He has been a single child and his parents abondoned him as in they dont call or text or anything they didnt even come to our engagement party so he has always been a loner. His parents didnt agree to us getting engaged saying I am not of their religion but he chose me over them but this still eats him somehwhere that he never got any affevtion from his parents. So I always try to be there but today when I felt we are closer than we ever was I again caughy him sexting with a stranger guy it was very weird not because he was sexting but because everyday I wait for him to get his work done so we can spend some time together I always thought he is busy working and I shouldny bother him I just used to go to the other room where he has his work table set up and tell him that lets watch a movie today or go somewhere from past some time its always been me suggesting stuff snd initiating and taking that effort it has been quite a few months that he has asked me to spend time wigh him so it felt realy bad today that I wait for you everyday to come sit with me and in the name of work you are talking to some random guy he said its something to dustract him of the work pressure and parents pressure that he has and hence he hasnt been able to ask me to go out or somethinh he says I always come to watch a movie when you ask me to but I said thats the thing its always me who asks who initiates who does stuff and to that he broke down and started crying and saying I have always loved you and sextinh is just a way of distraction and I feel embarassed sharing these fantasies with you and so I dont and share it here where I know I wont be judged but I cant ignore past few months where I havent felt any kind of affection from his side its always me who has taken initiatives for spending time together and today too I asked him if he is really inyo me or is just with me because its convenient he said  I am sorry I made you feel that way but I have loved you and I still love you and I am ready to do whatever you ask me to. And I dont know what to do? All this takes a toll on me me and his we both stay alone in a house I cant talk to my frnds or family about this I dont understand what should I do now? I feel brokem I feel messed I feel am at my lowest and I feel used because zi have never cheated or even flirted with any other perosn for last 11 years. I dont know what to do?

    #366253
    Rachal
    Participant

    Can anyone please guide me please should I just break up?

    #366255
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rachal:

    You shared that the plan is that you will get married next year to your boyfriend of 11 years. Problem is that you caught him “quite a few times in the past.. sexting with other men”. You asked him about it and he said he was “just bi curious.. this is just like porn for me. I just wanted a platform for my curiosity”.

    You were shocked but you tried to accept his curiosity and sexting as his thing (“everybody has a thing and may be this is his thing, his outlet.. as long as he doesn’t go out with them”).

    While living with him after your first discovery, you found out that he was still sexting. You asked him why he turned to sexting instead of turning to you for his sexual needs and fantasies. His response was that he felt weird sharing his sexual fantasies with you and he was afraid you will leave him “because of his twisted fantasies”, and that his sexting habit started before he met you.

    Today, you found out that while you thought he was busy working, and while you waited for him to be done with his work so that you can spend some time together (something you regularly request and initiate, not him), he was “sexting with a stranger guy”. He told you that he did it to distract himself from his work pressure, that he always loved you, and that he is ready to do whatever you ask him to do.

    You wrote: “I don’t know what to do? All this takes a toll on me.. I can’t talk to my friends or family about this.. I feel broken.. at my lowest and I feel used because I have never cheated or even flirted with any other person for last 11 years. I don’t know what to do?”

    My answer: cancel the wedding plans today or in the next few days, and make arrangement to end your relationship with this man as soon as possible. My reasons are the following:

    1. He has been cheating on you all along. Some people would consider pornography (watching images of people and getting stimulated sexually) to be cheating. But even if you don’t, sexting with other people is beyond pornography: it is engaging in mutual sexual activity with other, living people (not with images).

    2. He is in the habit of sexting from before the time he met you. This means that he has been sexting for more than 11 years. It is very, very difficult to break such a habit even if he wanted to.

    3. He is not “bi-curious”, he is actually having sex with other men. I don’t know if he met physically with men and had sex with them (it is a possibility), but even if he didn’t, he is more than bi-curious. He prefers to sext over having sex with you. Reads to me that he is a homosexual or bi-sexual person with a preference for men, who “in the closet”. The term means: a person who hides his sexual orientation because of social pressure, not wanting to be found out.

    According to Wikipedia, 30% of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people in the European Union are in the closet, 60% in Lithuania,.. 85% in China. “In the United States, 4% of gays and lesbians and 26% of bisexuals are not ‘out’ to at least one on the important people in their lives”.

    Being “out of the closet” means that a person who hid his or her sexual identity, finally tells everyone and makes it public. Millions of people who used to be in the closet, came out of the closet, often after they got married and had children. This may happen to you too if you marry him.

    According to a website, marriage. com/ advice/ relationship/ signs is your husband gay: there are signs that may suggest that a husband is gay:

    “1. Lack of passion: when he’s in the moment with you, he’s mechanical and doesn’t seem to be passionate or interested in any acts of foreplay… 2. Lack of interest in sex…

    “3. Online encounters: How do you know if your husband is gay? If your partner’s behavior is worrying you, then the internet is the right medium to find out the truth.. It’s highly unlikely that, if your partner is straight, he would want to put his picture and information on a gay dating site”.

    There is more in that website and other resources on the topic.

    My closing comments: there is nothing wrong with a person having this or that sexual orientation, but you need to know the sexual orientation of the man you plan to marry before you marry him and have children with him. Besides the issue of his sexual orientation, there is the fact of him having cheated on you for 11 years so far, and the very high likelihood that he will continue with his long-term, strong habit.

    You are welcome to post again.

    anita

    #366256
    Rachal
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your reply but you said signs of a person is gay is not being passionate with you in bed but whenever we have sex he is passionate infact he insists of foreplay and our sex goes on for more than few hours. I also mentioned one more thing which is an issue and thats his parents who has disapproved of me and this wedding and call him sometimes and abuse him and he told me that that is also the reason he wasnt in the space. I know it sounds like I am defending him but I am just disclosing all the facts at play here. Let me know what is best?

    #366260
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rachal:

    You are welcome. Yes, I did notice what you shared about his childhood and his relationships with his parents. Thing is, it is not relevant to his sexual orientation. In other words, he is attracted to men, he is having mutual sexual interactions with men, and he is in this habit of doing this for years. If he examines his childhood issues in therapy, let’s say, it will not change his sexual  orientation and habit.

    Regarding his passionate sex with you- like I mentioned in my first post to you, he may be gay or bi-sexual. Your latest input makes me think that maybe he is indeed bi-sexual. (You did share though that he doesn’t have frequent sex with you, that you are the one who initiated spending time with him, not him, and you shared that as you waited for him to spend time with you, he sexted men instead, which led me to think that his preference is men).

    “I know it sounds  like I am defending him”- my focus is  on defending you, not him.

    Focus on what is right for you and for the children you may bring into the world. Seems to me that it is wrong for you and for your future children to have a husband and father who may come out of the closet later in life, a husband who has cheated on you repeatedly for 11 years and who will probably continue to do so because his habit is very strong, it is a powerful sexual habit that I don’t think he can resist.

    anita

    #366275
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Anita is bring up some very important points. If you continue this relationship, it has to be with full knowledge of who he is and how he is. By marrying him with the knowledge you have of him right now, you are saying this whole lying and secrets and not being true to you is okay with you. There may be more you have no idea about. He will not be faithful in the marriage most likely because he is not faithful now. You might not care if he also has men sexual partners, or you might. It is okay if this is a deal breaker to you. Do not think you can change his desires or his sexual needs. They just are what they are and he hides his true self from you out of shame or guilt or both. I would suspect him of having in person trysts with men if I were you because this would make more sense than thinking he only sexts or has phone sex with these men. From my limited understanding and not trying to sound judgmental, his behaviors as you describe are not uncommon in the gay sexual scene. And this is where the whole STD issue comes in, whether its in person with women or men. No judgement on him and no bias against his desires. I am just emphasizing that your idea of the ideal man and the ideal relationship is not what you have with this man. You’ve closed your eyes for a long time, now it is time to keep them open and reconsider who he is and how he is from reality, not from your hopes that he is. Long bouts of sex with you does not mean anything necessarily. It could mean he is all about his pleasure and it could mean he is all about your pleasure. No need to explain, just think about from a rational point of view and not getting defensive. You can’t make him desire only you. And you deserve to be with someone who values you enough to be truthful and sincere and just with you. I believe we are born with our sexual orientation and how his parents treat him is not making him desire men nor lie to you, nor anything. He lies because he lives a secret life and maybe he is okay with lying to you and it doesn’t bother him to lie to people. I have a relative that will look people in the eyes and lie about anything and everything.

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