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April 6, 2016 at 2:49 pm #101062
DinaParticipantHello Lovely Tiny Buddha Community,
This is a long post, I apologize, however if you struggle from anxiety and over-thinking, it may help you to feel a little less alone 🙂
I havent been here for a little while and I wanted to say hello, and also seek some advice. As some of you know, I struggle with anxiety, panic disorder, and an overactive fight or flight response which all cause me a significant amount of grief.
Over the last few months my relationship life has been wonderful. For the first time ever I almost havent had to think about it because its so easy and relaxed compared to the crazy drama that has been all of my previous relationships. Work has been stressful and I have some other personal issues, but for whatever reason the only ones I ever want to discuss with people are relationship issues. Something about wanting to blame someone else for my own faults, perhaps.
Anyways, onto the latest issue at hand. My current boyfriend is a lovely person. Kind, compassionate, supportive in all the right ways, and fits me like a glove – we have almost exactly the same background and morals, yet we come from different parts of the world and are able to help each other see new perspectives. We have a decent sex life, are always busy with date nights and plans with friends, and inspire one another to be more creative. It truly is a wonderful, equal, affectionate and loving relationship unlike anything else I’ve had. No games. No wondering how he feels or what he’s thinking. No having to make myself smaller or less of a person for his benefit. Instead of tearing me down, he works actively to help my confidence, and never once has judged me for my short comings. Pretty great, right?
The issues I have are bizarre, overactive-mind issues, I’m sure, but I’d like to write them out, and perhaps see how others respond to them. I’m hoping it will help the anxiety mellow out a bit.
I’m concerned about whether or not I’m actually attracted to him. We have sex once a week generally, sometimes more if I’m in the mood. He is always up for it but lately my libido hasn’t been quite what it usually is. I remember we had a lot of sex in the beginning, but it petered off pretty quickly. I’ve never been this way before, but there are several factors besides attraction that could have contributed. I take zoloft, I’ve been experiencing high levels of stress and anxiety from family and work, and I’m utterly exhausted after work sometimes, but also I think I used to have alot of sex to make whoever I was with like me. However, it still concerns me. A lot of the time he tries to make out with me and I dont want it at all. It annoys me when I’m not in the mood for it, which is odd. And when we do have sex, I worry its because I’m horny and not because its him. However, I love our sex life when I think about it. He always makes sure I’m satisfied, I like the way he feels and I can discuss any fantasy with him (AND he will try to make it happen), which is awesome. Just my choice of infrequency and my dislike of kissing him at times concerns me. is this a big problem? Am I not attracted to him? I want to say yes, but I enjoy the sex together, so you would this is an indication that everything is fine and I’m just finding things to stress out about, right?
This is the first man I’ve been with who doesnt consume 98% of my brain. I love being with him and we get along well and hes romantic and wonderful. I only freak out when I sit down and let myself. I dont want to end something great over a made-up issue. Does anyone else struggle with things like this?
April 6, 2016 at 9:12 pm #101137
AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
Good to “hear” from you again. i was hoping you will be back. The name Zoloft jumps out from the screen, a very common side effect of Zoloft is loss of sex drive.
Then anxiety will do it too, fear looking for a reason to be, searching for a thought to attach itself to. First there is the fear, from long ago, and it goes around and around the brain. The problem solving part of the brain is trying to resolve the fear, to put it to rest by asking itself: what is causing this fear? Maybe there is a problem here.. maybe there.
So yes, I struggled with OCD for decades and your overthinking regarding sex with your boyfriend sounds to me very much like OCD type thinking. And OCD is all about anxiety, from which you suffer.
anita
April 7, 2016 at 12:32 pm #101195DinaParticipantas always, thank you for your response. i hope you all well1 nice to hear from you too
April 29, 2016 at 8:21 am #103112DinaParticipantHi Anita – and anyone else on Tiny Buddha who chooses to read/respond,
It’s been a few weeks and the attracted-ness is still an issue. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 8 months now.
He’s still a wonderful person and I love him, but my concerns are still here.
Last night I spoke with my mother and my sister, and I said to them “I dont think I’m capable of falling madly in love”. I definitely have before, but every time I do it’s with someone who’s wrong for me..or abusive..or significantly older. It’s as if I can only feel passion when I’m in a situation I shouldnt be in. So this time I tried to be with someone who’s right for me and I figured I should expect the passion not to be there.
When I think about it, a life with him makes sense. He would make a good husband and father. We are from the same religion, and he’s kind and loving and all the other positive things I have listed about him in the above posts. But I’m still unsure.
The thought of moving in with him scares me. The thought of living with anyone right now scares me which is unusual. Usually this is something that excites me.
While sex with him is good, I dont crave it like I usually do. Even though I am on zoloft, I have quite an active sex-life when I was single. With him, I generally only want it when it’s been a while and I need to scratch the itch, or I know he wants it and want to make him happy. I dont crave him as much as I do just sex every once in a while. We are down to having sex once a week or less..and it hasnt even been a year. That cant be a good thing. He often wants it and I almost never do..also not great.
While we both speak spanish and english and we are both from the same religious background, sometimes I find talking with him difficult. While he always listens and cares, sometimes he cant express himself because of the language barrier, and I’m not sure this is something I’m ok with long term.
He also has confidence issues. I know a lot of people do and I dont fault him for it,however I do think I probably need someone with more strength long term. I have anxiety and panic disorder and I’m not the most confident person. I think having someone who is opposite in that way may be a good balance for me.
So now I’m stuck in my head. All this happened last night. I have been pushing these issues aside for so long, hoping they didnt matter. I didnt want to be a shallow person and have attraction be an issue, but it is. And now I dont know what to do. I dont want to break up with him out of the blue. He has no idea I’m feeling this way and it wouldnt be fair. But I also dont want to lead him on.
I tend to be unable to move forward with my life when I have something like this in my head. I couldnt sleep all night and I felt even worse because he was there with me and I didnt feel like I could discuss this with him. How do you discuss something like this without breaking it off?
April 29, 2016 at 9:02 am #103115AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
Is it possible, DIna, that as the anxious child that you were, you looked up to your father, let’s say, to protect you, to be the strength that you so desperately needed. There was no way for you as a child to be strong all by yourself. You needed a strong parent to look up to, to rely on, to learn from, to feel safe in his presence.
And (going on with my hypothesis), you grew up to a woman, still anxious, still needing the strength of a person outside of you. Carrying this deep need, wouldn’t an older man feel a bit like a potential man you can look up to, like a child looks up to a parent? When you meet a certain man that shares some qualities with your father, someone older, even unavailable in similar ways, you get that strong need for that man and that strong need fuels your attraction for him?
If your attraction to men is fueled by the attraction of a child to a strong father, a confident father who can calm your fears, make you feel calm, then when you meet certain men that feel-like they can provide you with what you need, then you will feel intense attraction to them, on all levels.
Problem is that the men that feel-like salvation, may be way less likely to help you than men who don’t feel-like salvation.
What do you think/ feel?
anita
April 29, 2016 at 9:06 am #103116DinaParticipantYeah probably. Attraction is fueled by many different things and confidence is one of them. i dont want someone to take care of me or save me though. i want an equal.
April 29, 2016 at 10:00 am #103119AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
If what you want is an equal, then in the area of self confidence you have an equal, your current boyfriend. You wrote in your post before last that both of you lack confidence: “He also has confidence issues… I have anxiety and panic disorder and I’m not the most confident person.”
Your next sentence was: “I think having someone who is opposite in that way may be a good balance for me.” So you don’t want an equal in the area of self confidence but the opposite.
Am I correct, you wanting someone very unequal to you in the area of self confidence?
anita
April 29, 2016 at 10:08 am #103121DinaParticipantGood point – yes I suppose in that way I do.
April 29, 2016 at 11:20 am #103126AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
So maybe you do want someone to save you, that is, to make the fear go away, to make you feel calm and safe. And what if the men that make you temporarily feel this way (triggering the strong attraction) are not the right men for you? What if they only remind you of a quality in your parent/s and that is all that triggers the attraction.
What if it is in your relationship with your boyfriend where the potential for your healing exists? What if it is with this man, lacking of self confidence and not that great in English (?) where the potential exists?
anita
April 29, 2016 at 12:27 pm #103128DinaParticipantI just dont know. Im such a mess I have no idea how I’m going to get through the day.
April 29, 2016 at 12:38 pm #103129AnonymousGuestDear Dina:
So sorry you are having such a tough time.
Well, having the tough time you are having, no need to solve long term problems and challenges. Let your relationship be as it is for now, no decisions to be made. Take on only the day for now, moment by moment, hour by hour. Nothing else. Empty your brain best you can, see only what is in front of you, the very next task, the very next moment, hour. Nothing beyond.
anita
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