Backpacking and heartbroken

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This topic has 6 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by Michelle.

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April 27, 2015 at 6:39 am #75855

Lenny
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I arrived in Australia for a working holiday around three months ago. I came here with a guy, I’ll call him E. I was madly in love with him, but the day after our arrival he broke the relationship off and went home (he’s Australian so not too far). It broke my heart. First all I wanted to do was go home because of him, but then I realised all the memories of when we were happy would be at home and there was literally no place to run to forget. E kept getting back in touch, I kept letting myself get dragged back in, until he finally told me he had just used me and it was over. That was 3 weeks ago. Since then things have taken a downward turn.

Last night I stayed up till 6am taking coke and pills in some shitty club, and I woke up this evening and stayed in bed crying all night. I am so lonely it physically hurts. I’m very lonely, very sad, and I drink constantly and sleep all day. I’m dong a lot of drugs. I’m spending too much money staving off sobriety. I’m getting old.
There was a period where I was going to meditation class and meditating every day, talking about ‘working on myself’ and the meaning of life, blah bah, but that all went out the window pretty quickly.

I have a history of depression, substance abuse, etc. I was on medication for depression all of last year and came off it before I came travelling. I thought I was ‘falling in love’ and going on this big adventure and I wouldn’t need them anymore.

What the fuck am I doing here. What am I doing with my life? Is this as good as it gets. I wish I had one friend I could call right now who would just tell me everythings going to be ok. I’m so afraid of the future and all I do is cry about the past. How are you supposed to move forward when you’re just stuck.

April 27, 2015 at 9:22 am #75865

Jeff Noble
Participant

Whatever you do, please stop taking drugs. They only make it longer to regain your footing. I’ll be happy to correspond with you. I am a recovered addict and have had my heartbroken a thousand times. doggs21783@yaoo.com

April 27, 2015 at 3:01 pm #75881

Kori Elizabeth
Participant

Lenny,

I think in some way we have all been there. I can tell you, it does get better but, you have to help yourself along. You already know that though. Take this time, away from what you know to work on your self. As hard as it is, get yourself some help, or get sober on your own. For me, it took realizing I can’t run from the pain. I was an avid pot smoker and pain med user for a time in my life. I realized at my lowest moment, I was using just to escape and avoid. You can only run so far before those emotions catch up with you. You sound like a strong person and I think you need to face up to some truth. You are loved, you are worthy of love and a great life, you just need to start believing it. I know you said at one point you were mediating and other bla bla bla, I get it. I have delved between self help and self harm for many years. It is always better to love yourself. Start chipping away at why you are doing the things you are doing. Start a relationship of health and love with yourself.

You are loved.

<3 Kori

April 28, 2015 at 6:22 pm #75927

pamela
Participant

Hi Lenny……can’t say i have a lot of wisdom can only speak to my experience. i had a similar experience last year. I’ve suffered from depression for years and the last 3 or 4 years self-medicated with pain pills. i was dumped after 5 years and he didn’t have the decency to at least say he had used me. i found out he got married on Facebook when a week before i thought “we” were in a relationship…turns out i was the only one in the relationship. I’ve been faithful on my meds for a nearly a year and have struggled with the pills. it caused me to lose everything my home, car, u name it. also all the drugs do is exacerbate the situation if u struggle with depression. not to mention my best friend died from an accidental overdose. she was someone who loved life but the drugs took control. I’m staying w/a friend now for nearly a year no money my heartbroken, anger just lots of bad stuff and it certainly hasn’t helped my relationship with my kids. so all i can do is work on myself which has been very hard. in bed in dark room for days at a time sitting on sofa watching t.v. I’ve started getting up same time everyday..looking for work and I really believe i am healing. no more pills, reading positive things and just praying for healing and the ability to make better decisions about the people in my life. can’t say my heart has healed but every nite i ask he be blessed and happy in his relationship and I still after a year remind myself I’m the lucky one. its so very hard but like the wisdom shared shared with you above it gets better it really does. may not seem like it now…but you deserve so much better i know for me i had to realize my ex was just cruel otherwise how do you treat someone that way? and i remind myself i have enough problems i don’t need anyone to treat me and throw me out like trash. and you don’t need that either. please continue to come to this site..its helped me so much….and know that there are people you’ve never met sending good thoughts your way. you will be in my thoughts. you will get thru this and you will never accept anyone or anything thats not worthy of you. you are worthy you are loved and you deserve only the best….hang in there (not only do i talk to much..guess i write too much, sorry)!

April 28, 2015 at 9:01 pm #75929

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Lenny,

Its going to be ok and this too shall pass. Hang in there. E wasnt right for you and more of another high (love is quite a big one, no?) that just ran for the hills. They say that pain is inevitable and suffering in optional. As someone who spent this entire month trying to make sense of what the hell happened, feeling worse over time and trying to decode him – wondering if i had done indeed everything wrong, i concluded – I just met a shitty guy whom i liked like crazy and my feelings were more normal than i wanted to admit. When he just detached so easily, i should have known better but i clung on to some hope. I obsessed about him, tried to meet him and eventually i realized he just didnt give a shit about me that way.

It is so painful and i think you are coping in your own way but then the question is, isnt it time to finally feel the pain and accept it rather than using something which will harm you to numb it down? Isnt it like you are letting him win – i see him out there, living his life, happy with his friends and work – i then decided i will not allow myself to suffer anymore no matter how alone and stupid i felt. I had to spend more time on me. I think you gotta maybe devote once a day to a healing ritual – something like a new routine – like a bath, take care of your skin, hair, get a pretty dress, exercise more and perhaps some time to creative stuff to soothe your soul. When i really accepted over time that i was indeed on my own and the world kinda owed me nothing and i had only me, i decided that “me” needed the best treatment possible…Do write more about how you are doing though. Sharing our pain with the right people does help but the rest of the path we have to choose and walk.

May you heal soon from this and so do I. sometimes i still look at his pictures and feel longing, anger and self-loathing.

– Moon

May 2, 2015 at 11:21 am #76058

Lenny
Participant

Thank you so much for your replies, when I wrote this I felt so alone and every reply nearly brought me to tears because they were so understanding. I really thought I was being a whiney so-and-so but your replies made me feel a bit less awful, so thank you.
I haven’t gotten much better, I’ve been out drinking and doing drugs most nights this week and kind of sleeping around. I’m not proud of myself as this is not the person I’d like to be. This has always been the way I’ve dealt with pain, and I realise I need to change. I’ve decided to move on from this city, I’m going somewhere quieter with good people, on the beach, on the other side of oz. It might be called running away from my problems but there’s a lot of painful memories here now, and too much temptation clearly!
I got an email from E a few days ago saying that he apologised for some of his ‘shitty behaviour’ and that I’d been very kind to him, and he appreciated it and wanted me to know that. I guess that’s the closest thing I’ll ever get to closure. I deleted it and didn’t reply, and I never will. Why does heartache fuck us up the most out of everything? I feel like I’ll be unable to trust someone again, but maybe that’s just as well.
Thank you again, guys.

May 3, 2015 at 11:54 pm #76109

Michelle
Participant

If you can, every time you feel the need for drugs/alcohol whatever, go for a walk on the beach.
It’s only simple thing and it might only make it a bit better for a small amount of time, but it helps.
I’ve lived in Aus my whole life and no matter how good or bad I feel, the beach always makes it better.
Good luck, and don’t beat yourself up for the drugs/sleeping around. We’ve all got to deal with things as best we can.
Small steps.
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