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Being possessive

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  • April 20, 2017 at 6:55 am #145939
    Rogue
    Participant

    I have been going out with a young man for a year now. He wants to take things slowly, but I feel like I’m already so into him. I get angry when he doesn’t reply to my messages on time. I get angry when he doesn’t pick my call. I get angry when he changes his plan to come and spend time with me. I sometimes even doubt that he is going out with other girls, and get upset over that. I told him recently that I’m possessive about him, and he told me he doesn’t like it. I’m very confused on how I can change that in me. Please give me your suggestions.

    April 20, 2017 at 7:36 am #145973
    Mepina
    Participant

    Dear Rogue,

    this is a hard and a bad feeling – many times it appears the first months of a relationship when you are in love and the passion can make all kind of feelings to grow. I have been there in the past, and I understood that it had to do with my inner insecurities.  I always had the feeling that people will abandon me, so, I was unconsciously trying to find the signs that this will indeed happen and once again I would be abandoned.

    At first, it is nice you understand that this is mainly your issue and it’s not your boyfriend that ignores you constantly or behaves badly. This leads to a search for the reasons inside you. You may tend to get control of things generally in life (in work or family etc). You may, like me, have fears of rejections or low self-esteem. All these insecurities, when we are alone, can be handled by work with ourselves. When in a relationship, we tend to reflect them to others, just as they are their faults or they do provoke them.

    You already did the first step to understand you are possessive. You can relax and try to see why this happens, if it is a pattern, if it has always been like that or if for example an ex betrayed you and this started. Finding the reason will help you fight it and gradually minimize these bad emotions.

    I wish you soon find inner peace – relationships should make us happy not frustrated!

     

     

     

    April 20, 2017 at 8:14 am #145989
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rogue:

    Better slow down, relax, or you will lose the potential of this becoming a closer, loving and long term relationship. Maybe some people like to be ‘possessed”- he told you that he doesn’t. So, try to cool off, perhaps incorporate a new daily exercise routine (even a daily 30 minutes walk can help), join a relaxing yoga class a couple of times per week, join a support group perhaps, even competent psychotherapy.

    anita

    April 20, 2017 at 1:21 pm #146071
    Rogue
    Participant

    Mepina thank you so much for your reply. I think you are right. I do have low self esteem and I fear being rejected as I had been in a very bad relationship previously. I fear getting cheated on. I do think you are right in saying that I need to concentrate on myself. But I also feel I’m very insecure when it comes to relationships. I’m too afraid to get emotionally attached to someone.i don’t know how to feel secure again. I really want to.can you please give me some suggestions on that too.

    April 20, 2017 at 1:27 pm #146073
    Rogue
    Participant

    Anita than you for your suggestion. You are right. By being possessive I’ll ruin what I have with him.

    April 21, 2017 at 5:21 am #146139
    Mepina
    Participant

    Dear Rogue,

    I am also in progress to understand better my fears and myself in general – so I am not sure If I am the best person for advice.. I am also during a break-up these days and I am emotionally a wreck 🙁

    But for me, the best way was to understand at first why I had these feeling and pass the message to my mind. So, once I started to feel that way, I was reminding myself that this happens because in the past I was rejected. But this is the past, it is done and it defines neither my present nor my future.

    So I try to keep my thoughts positive and remind myself that I do worth love and acceptance and even if some people may leave one day, others will stay – cause they will really love me unconditionally.

    Some nights, I also do hypnosis sessions for increasing my low self esteem – they help me calm and feel stronger. You can find severals for free at youtube – you may give a try 🙂

     

     

    April 21, 2017 at 8:32 am #146165
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Rogue:

    You wrote that you fear being rejected and you fear being cheated on. And so, you get angry at the thought that your boyfriend will reject you and will cheat on you: “I get angry when he doesn’t reply…I get angry when he doesn’t pick my call. I get angry when he changes his plan… ”

    You get angry at him in advance, before he rejects you, just in case. Fear fuels this anger- and fear is a powerful emotion.

    You were already rejected in your life, in that “very bad relationship previously” and probably before that. And you survived it. Remember, being rejected and cheated on is survivable. Perhaps attend competent psychotherapy to manage your fear and learn skills to do so (meditation, mindfulness, finding healthy distraction… as well as aerobic exercise and so forth).

    Also: share your fear with your boyfriend responsibly- not in an overly emotional way or too frequently, so to not overwhelm him; do not blame him for it, since it existed before you met him. Let him help you, not expecting him to fix you and eliminate the fear (not in his power), and help him. I am sure he needs your help with his issues and challenges. And so, make it a Win-Win relationship.

    anita

     

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