Best friend or boyfriend

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    Louise Martin

    Hi there.

    I am currently in a state of turmoil and confusion. I live with my boyfriend, of almost 5 years. He is a fantastic person, kind, considerate, funny etc.

    One of my best friends is a guy I met at University, and we have been friends for 10 years. I have always felt we got along very well, far better than the girlfriends he has had, and family and friends always say they think we will end up together etc. I have never acted on anything as I have never really thought anything of it, and have been in 2 relationships for the majority of the time we have known each other.

    However, since New Year, small things that he has said have sparked questions in my mind – about him, us, and my relationship with my boyfriend. Then, two weeks ago, he confessed that he was in love with me, and that all of his past relationships had ended because he would keep comparing them to me. Now, he is never normally open about his feelings like that (we have quite a jokey relationship, offering advice but he has always been quite emotionally guarded I suppose). We spoke for hours about everything – he doesn’t know if he should have told me or not, but received advice from his male best friend to go for it as he also believes there is something between us and this could be the last chance as it were..

    I really could do with some advice as I feel this is affecting my relationship, I don’t know if my boyfriend is ‘the one’ and I feel I want to pursue something with my best friend but it’s too late and might not be what I think it is…

    Thank you


    If you feel that you want to pursue something with your best friend then it is not fair to continue your relationship with your boyfriend because you think it might not work out with the best friend. Wear the other shoes for a moment and imagine it was your boyfriend with these thoughts and not you.

    Go with what you feel, and from reading your post, it sounds like you feel you should try things with your best friend.

    It’s never, ever too late.

    Louise Martin

    Thank you, Alec.

    It is such a difficult decision – thinking about my best friend as more than this is fairly new to me, apart from a few moments when people have made comments about us etc.

    I just don’t know if my doubting my current relationship is simply because of the things my friend has said to me – in which case, this is all very new and I might just be caught up in the romantic idea of it, rather than its actuality. I expect it’s natural to have some doubts when you are approaching the time where marriage may be on the cards, and I was having a few thoughts of ‘how do you know if the person you are with is the one?’ (But these may only have arisen because of a few comments my best friend had made to me that hinted he’d liked me in the past).

    I’d hate to throw away a good relationship for something that isn’t real…and my relationship is good with my boyfriend, we have barely ever argued, we enjoy doing new things together, we support each other etc. and I was very happy until this bomb shell was dropped on me… although maybe I have always known there was something with my best friend and just not admitted it to myself.


    Tuesday Rose

    For two years i was with a guy who I also lived with and he was great. He was funny, good looking, so sweet, and there was nothing ‘seemingly’ wrong with him at all. I also had a best friend the hole time we were together who was a guy and who we always had a closer relationship than anyone else. Yet we never mentioned anything either, until about two years into the friendship. We both always knew there was something more but never acted on it. Until one day i broke up with the guy i was with since I knew I wasn’t in love with him. He was a GREAT guy, nothing wrong with him, but I just knew he wasn;t for me.It was hard and it wasn’t easy but it was worth it. It wasn’t for a couple of months after the break up that I finally decided to give my bestfriend a chance and we couldn’t be happier. He knew I was his and I knew he was mine and I am so thankful for the time we had to get to know each other as friends because our love is SO much stronger than any love i’ve had before.

    This is just my experience but my advice would be to go with your gut. Do what you feel. Don’t spend your days wondering, act on those things you wonder about. You only get this one chance at life and don’t let anything pass you by because you feel like bad things could happen. Most of the time we have to go threw some bad to find the good.

    Whatever decision you make is the right decision as long as you are true to yourself.

    Good luck to you. 🙂 Hope everything works out.

    Louise Martin

    Hi there – thank you for your advice.

    That is a lovely story! I am so confused about what my real feelings are – I’m concerned I might just be caught up in the romantic idea of it all. As I said, I’ve been with my boyfriend nearly 5 years, and the ‘honeymoon’ phase obviously wanes. I’d hate to lose what is a good relationship, thinking that my best friend was the one for me when really it was just the excitement of something new taking over. How do you know when to make the leap?!

    I feel that maybe some space would be helpful, with no contact with either person – but I have bought a house with my boyfriend and I don’t know how to get this space – most of my friends are in a different area as we moved for my boyfriend’s work, and I need to be in this area to go to my work!

    Thanks again

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 1 month ago by Louise Martin.

    Hello Louise, this is really a difficult situation. I would suggest that you take some time out to yourself…. go to a park/forest or even spend a night in a hotel if you can. Focus on your thaughts about each man. Try to imagine your life without your boyfriend – how do you feel about it? Then how would you imagine your best friend in difficult situations that arise during a proper relationship or even having children with him? Try to see the bigger picture and do not just listen to your heart right now because of this new exiting feelings. Every realtionship will grow and will not always be “new” but that does not mean that we should move on with someone else each time. Take your time and be honest to the two men involved and mostly to yourself. I hope this helps you in some way. All the best Anne

    Louise Martin

    Hi there,

    Thank you for everyone’s advice.

    I saw my friend again over a week ago, and we talked everything through. It’s so unusual to hear him talk like this, he’s never really found a girlfriend he’s really been into – and so I think once he had told me that he loved me, he then felt he needed to just talk it all out! For me, I love hanging out with him, there is a bit of flirting I guess, but our relationship had almost been more ‘guy-friend-y’ in the past – maybe that’s because he was covering up for how he felt. I knew that we’d always got on better than he had with his girlfriends, and when I think back now maybe I did know that he liked me – maybe I even liked him. But that’s also what I can’t work out! Anyway, for some reason, and I shouldn’t have, but I kissed him – once. I think I wanted to know if there was a spark there. Now, to be honest, the earth didn’t move and all of that – and the next day I felt actually, I was building this up in my mind to be something it isn’t.

    We agreed we’d have no contact for a while. However, as days passed I found it really difficult not to contact him, and we ended up exchanging a text or two. He then sent me an email, expressing his feelings – which made me cry! Now, I feel really torn again. I can’t shake this ‘nagging’ feeling that I have that maybe we are meant to be together – yet when I try and be logical about it, my boyfriend is fantastic, we were very happy, he’s caring, fun, encouraging and I do love him. So it doesn’t make sense!

    The other thing I wonder, is whether my boyfriend feels about me, the way my friend seems to about me. I’m not saying I don’t feel loved – I do, I think my boyfriend is extremely loving, but I wonder whether he is really passionate about me? Am I the ‘one’ for him as much as anything? Does that make sense? When I think back to the beginning, I went travelling for 6 months and we used to do all of that romantic stuff, missed each other madly and told each other how we felt all of the time. But now, as time goes on clearly things change and maybe that’s normal. The thing is, I feel it might be useful to have some time to miss each other again, maybe a week or two apart – but I don’t want to suggest that in case he thinks I’m trying to end things. I might just be thinking there is something with my friend when actually it’s the flattery/excitement etc. that’s making me feel that way?

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