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Best way to move on?

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 5 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #197119

    The Bard
    Participant

    Title says it all… been talking to this girl I used to work with and accidentally fell in love with her. We worked together for like 9 months, then we went out a few times with friends, once to the movies with just the two of us, and I've been trying to get her to talk to me more and go out ever since. At first it seemed like a no-go because she ignored all my texts, but now if I text her she will reply and we talk.

    I invite her out a few times a month. Sometimes she agrees, other times she says no she just isn't interested, but either way it almost always results in her canceling at the last minute (this last time our entire friend group canceled which was really annoying). I really like her, some of our core beliefs are the same when it comes to political views, love, and religion. But…. she just isn't really feeling me. I guess I've become obsessed with trying to win her over because I have come to realize that finding someone else with the same qualities is like a needle in a haystack. I'm in my late 20s and I'm not fond of dating women with children, and I have come to realize that I may not ever find another woman quite like the one I'm chasing.

    I've been talking to other girls and set up a date in an attempt to move on, but  I recently found out she has a kid!

    The one girl is stuck in my head and making me feel crappy because things aren't moving forward the way that I want. I found out though she does this to all guys… After learning her past with her last boyfriend, I think she was hurt so bad she just cuts everyone out to play it safe and just casually dates to test the waters. She gave me a chance, but I guess she doesn't like me the same way I like her.

    Slowly we've been drifting apart so we don't talk as much… but… how do I completely get her out of my head?

    I have this feeling like if I keep trying maybe I can reach her and we'll hit it off. Like, she could really be the one.

    But the rational side of me realizes that's foolish garbage because life doesn't work that way. When we are together we laugh and joke and have fun, and we worked really well together (I have since left and we are no longer co-workers). I don't want to settle for someone just to move on, but it looks unlikely that I'll find someone with the same moral views as me that doesn't have kids. What do I do?

    How do I move on? I'm finding it hard to connect with other girls when I just keep thinking about the one. :/

    #197259

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ash:

    I think it would be a good  idea to have a serious conversation, if not a series of conversations with her. Ask her questions, to learn more about her, what motivates her, what is happening with her. You made assumptions, that she was hurt before and is playing it safe.

    Better arrange to talk honestly, openly, so that you will have a better understanding and if moving on is indeed what makes sense with the information you will gain talking to her, then with that conviction that she is not “the one”, you are more likely to move on.

    anita

    #197315

    The Bard
    Participant

    Hello Anita! (and anyone else that replies)

    I don't really know how to bring it up to be honest…

    I should explain that she works two jobs and goes to school, so she has a lot going on right now. I always liked her, but I thought she was out of my league so I kept my distance. She initiated things and invited me out as a group with our other coworkers. I got her phone number. I later invited her to the movies. She ditched. She invited me to see another movie to make up for it, we went. I told her I wanted to go to California, she said she wanted to go and we should go together. We planned a trip together for later this year but haven't gone yet.

    She invited me to dinner, the topic came up that I liked her, she said she didn't like me that way. I said okay and left it alone.

    I left her alone for a long time, then slowly we started texting more and things got deeper… At least, for me. That's when I fell for her.

    She isn't one to dance around words or sugar coat things, she is like a sassy untamed lion, but she is also funny and kind. If she doesn't like something or doesn't want to do something she'll let you know in the most blunt way possible. At least… that's NORMALLY how she is.

    As for her past relationships and family, we dove pretty deep into our past on valentines day and she told me about her last boyfriend. He had a pretty serious drug addiction, was a alcoholic, lied a lot, then cheated on her and got another woman pregnant. They were together for 2 years when she found out about the baby. She said they were really serious. She told me she had enough and that's what led to the breakup. We literally talked all day. I was shocked she opened up the way she did. My previous relationship was a disaster and was similar to her own with the way it ended.

    We started talking about work, I told her that I didn't really like one of our coworkers that she was close friends with, but pretended to to keep the peace at work.

    She said “OMG, I didn't know! You probably don't even like me!”
    I replied “I told you that I like you.”
    She went on to say that she didn't think I was serious, but at least the elephant was addressed.
    She told me “You can't force love, it has to develop naturally over time. Don't rush it.”

    I agreed.

    She neither confirmed nor denied if her feelings had since changed.

    She has quite a few guys currently chasing her but keeps them at an equal distance or just cuts them off completely because she says they aren't what she is looking for. One she was getting pretty close to, it made me panic…

    Then she told me she was going to cut him off too because he was too immature and sent me a pic of their conversation. I asked her what she was looking for and she said “I don't know yet, I'll know it when I see it. But I'm not tied down to anyone so I'm currently single.” I thought she was hinting that she was still available and not moving forward with anyone else. Maybe I read it wrong?

    But… I tried to move on anyways and unfriended her on Facebook. She texted and asked me why I unfriended her, I told her it was because we don't talk as much. I told her that she was always making lame excuses to not hang out and bailing at the last minute, I then flat out asked if she just didn't want to hang out.

    She said “No, I really was just busy and had a lot going on. I'm just one person and sometimes I get tired and don't feel like doing things. I think you're overthinking it, its not that deep.”

    That response confused me. If she thinks I'm overthinking it and she really is just busy, then do I just need to be patient because she has too much going on right now? Or…. do I leave her alone and go for someone that MAKES time for me?

    What am I overthinking? lol.

    To be honest, I didn't think she would even notice I unfriended her because we had stopped talking for awhile and she said she didn't like me that way. I never added her back, but we actually started talking more directly through text after Valentines. I since got another job so we don't see each other as much in person, which is why I've been trying to schedule events so we can hang out.

    Thus my confusion.  I think if we had met purely online I would have gave up on her… but working closely with her for several days over the course of 9 months allowed me to see another side of her.  We worked really well together and things were easy. She always makes everyone in the building laugh and often times I would walk into the room and she would burst into a big smile and say “We were just talking about you”, but would never say about what.

    Half of my friends tell me I should leave her alone, the others say I should be more aggressive because I won't find another girl quite like her. Internet says that I shouldn't have to chase her this hard to win her over, that if it was meant to be she would make a move and things would be clear… but…

    Almost everything that I have now that's worth having I've had to fight for it… like, REALLY hard. Is love the same way?

    As I said before, she is the first person I've felt this way about since my last breakup 2 years ago.

    Now I'm stuck in the middle trying to figure out what to do. If I move on, I don't have anyone else that is a current interest.

    *Sigh*

    I'll try to talk to her again and see how things go, I just don't know how to bring it up without corning her and forcing the topic.

    Sorry for the long post… I don't have too many people to talk to about this in real life. I guess I just needed a place to vent. :/

    #197323

    The Bard
    Participant

    To save time I realized we should get back on topic. When her and I do finally talk about our feelings, if she just needs time and wants to take things slow, I'll just have to be patient and respect that.

    However, if she still doesn't like me the way that I like her… how do I move on when I'm still in love with her?
    Drowning myself in work and hobbies isn't working. As I said in the first post, I'm talking to other girls but that isn't helping either… I just don't like them and our core beliefs, morals and standards are not in sync.

    #197341

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ash:

    She sounds like a lovely person and you do too. Regarding the question: to wait for her/ pursue her or give up and move on, one important factor in making this decision is how much patience do you have. How long can you go on not knowing if she will become interested in the future, or not. Living in this ambiguity, not knowing, guessing, hoping, thinking and trying to figure our what her every word and act means: interested-in-me or not-interested-in-me.

    Her words and actions from what you shared indicate that she is not interested in you as a boyfriend, that she is not interested in anyone else as a boyfriend, that she is very busy but still social. There is no indication that I see that she is unlikely to become interested in you individually, nothing she said that she dislikes about you and when you unfriended her on Facebook, she didn't like that. If she had the desire to not have you in her life, she would have let it be, I am thinking.

    So you don't know. How much patience do you have to keep waiting, is the question. And how is this state of mind of not knowing affecting your emotional health day after day (and for how long has it been affecting you these ways)?

    anita

    #197533

    The Bard
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice Anita! Much deeper than what I found on Reddit and other internet places.

    The only thing she said negative about me was that she thought I was a bit of a pushover. I explained to her that after I studied meditation through Hinduism and Buddhism and I became more docile and tried not to let my temper get the best of me, she seemed to accept that answer because I recently discovered she takes spirituality really seriously. She said I was “Cool as a cucumber” and didn't let stress bother me lol.

    We had a conversation about her not wanting to hang out all the time and based on her texting pattern she doesn't want to text too often either. She wants her space and enjoys alone time. I can deal with that and I've learned to only text her once or twice a week. She gives little hints like that and I've been trying to catch on and adapt. For patience, I don't think that's a problem. Besides, it actually gives us something to talk about as we catch up.

    It's been a few months now and she is still the only one that really has my attention, so maybe I'll just bring up in our next conversation that I would like to hang out more just to spend time together every once in awhile and see how things go. She really likes sports, so maybe I'll ask if she wants to get tickets to a basketball game…

    I'm not sure how to word it so that we can actually talk and move things forward though. She won't call, she hates phone calls from everyone. Already tried it. :/

    I hate trying to date and get to know people now. It's all so complicated and the process of relearning and starting over has become tiresome. Most women say they like guys with confidence but its hard to stay that way when things are always so confusing.

    I don't know if I should be more aggressive and assertive, or if I need to back up and give her space to do her own thing as she figures out what she wants.  The way we talk in person is more comical and fun, but through text its serious and sometimes basic and boring. Sometimes its hard to tell if she just isn't interested or really busy. Once I thought she wasn't feeling the conversation, then she replied and said she was at an event at church and was helping someone navigate there.

    I can't tell if I'm overthinking it and she really is just busy, or if she is slowly flaking on me because she isn't feeling me. When I try to ask she avoids the questions… this is weird because as I said above, she normally is really  blunt and doesn't sugar coat things. It's like she's become afraid to just say what she wants to say? Maybe she doesn't want to hurt me? It's out of character for her…

    Day to day it isn't so bad because I can distract myself with work in the mornings, but on my free time I think about her a lot and now start to miss her since I can't see her at work anymore. Normally that leads to me questioning if I should keep chasing her or try to move on.

    I don't think telling her that I miss her will make her want to hang out with me, it seems like a bad move…

    But I suppose it is affecting me by bottling it all up, and that is what led me here because I feel like I'm becoming frustrated by all of it. I don't really know what to do for my next move though, whatever it is I am forced to do it through text since I can't see her in person right now.

    As for how long its been affecting me, I think it all started when I sent her a new year moving into 2018, after she replied we slowly started texting again leading up to Valentines 2018, that's when we really opened up to each other emotionally.

    So, roughly the past 3  months?  We worked together for 9 months, but it will be a year of us talking at the start of April.

    I'll send her a text tomorrow afternoon and see if we can reschedule our get-together and hangout over the weekend.

    Maybe I can get her to show up and we can talk in person. Spark a conversation to see if we can make it a regular thing and see how she responds…

    #197597

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ash:

    You are welcome, good to have you here.

    You wrote: “The only thing she said negative abut me was that she thought I was a bit of a pushover… She said I was ‘Cool as a cucumber'”- here is a possibility: a man who behaves passively, being a pushover turns her off. It is her automatic reaction to perceived pushover behavior; being turned off, not interested. She is also spiritual, you wrote, and partly believes in spiritual principles. Maybe she sees the positive in being cool-as-a-cucumber, but it turns her off nonetheless.

    My overall feel is that she is not interested in you, I am sorry to be typing this. The pushover comment leads me that way more than before.

    Her ex boyfriend pushed her a lot, so to speak, cheating on her and so forth. She doesn't like it in herself, being a pushover. She doesn't like it in others.

    Regarding my earlier suggestion to have an honest conversation with her, I wonder if you can ask her what she feels about pushovers. So to get that type of information, to verify or not the possibility I brought up, above.

    anita

    #197767

    The Bard
    Participant

    I think most people will agree that they don't like pushovers lol. I don't see myself as a pushover in real life because I'm persistent and I don't like giving up and I'm ambitious. In fact, I moved up quickly at work and was her boss for a short time. (that was an awkward time) O_O;

    But I think confidence and standing up for yourself is always a good trait, I just don't think she sees it in me outside of work because we don't spend enough time together. Regardless, I asked her today if she wanted to hangout, she replied and asked when, I'll choose a date for next weekend, but try to guide the conversation into a serious discussion about us. We'll see how things go.

    Forcing the issue could possibly end the friendship because she has a temper, so this could go really bad lol…
    But by some magical off chance though, it could possibly make it stronger if things go well.

    Regardless, I'll bring it up and see how things go.

    #197781

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ash:

    Maybe it is a good idea that you prepare a few questions to ask her when you spend time with her, questions that will not come across as confrontations but as your sincere efforts to get information you need, to understand better what motivates her, how she thinks, what she values, in addition to what you already know).

    anita

    #197861

    The Bard
    Participant

    Lol, Anita giving me homework on the topic of love. Alright, I'll make a list and try to work it in without forcing the topics.

    #197929

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ash:

    I believe that planning and doing homework on the topic of love, not only one time, but ongoing, will work very well for the benefit of anyone who is involved in a relationship, one hoped for or one materialized.

    anita

    #197949

    Patrick
    Participant

    Hey ash,

    I had a similar situation happen to me in my early 20's. She acted like she was interested but when I approached her to tell her I had feelings for her she just changed the subject or talked about something else. Took me a while to realise that I'm worth more than to be rejected by someone that didn't want a relationship with me. Rome wasn't built in a day and you will find your soulmate. It took me until I was in my late 20's to find mine. My advise is to just live your life, go out with your friends and have fun. I'm sure that your future soulmate will run into you like mine did me.

     

    P.s. the girl that would always change the subject is one of my dear friends on Facebook. She's a great friend and I wouldn't trade that friend for the world!

     

    Hope this helps!

    #198007

    The Bard
    Participant

    Hey Patrick,

    The problem is, I don't have too many friends left. A few years ago some things happened behind my back with my ex, they all knew about it, there was a lot of drama when I found out, I confronted them about it but most of them didn't see the problem with it, so I cut ties and moved on because they weren't real friends anyway. Most didn't even try to get back in touch with me…

    I've been trying to rebuild friendships, but doing so as an adult is so much harder. As a kid you walk up and say “Hey, wanna play?” and you can make a new friend for life. As an adult… not so much…

    I've been trying to schedule events to hangout with co-workers, including the girl I've fallen for, but everyone is always so busy or makes excuses for why they don't want to go out, leaving me to do things on my own.

    So I'll have to find another way to distract myself. I tried talking to the girl last night but she seemed standoffish and didn't really reply to my messages… well… she did, but it was a simple “I'll ask the others when I see them” and the other was a simple “lol”. So the way we talk has become basic and boring, its no longer a two way conversation.

    At this point, talking about how I feel or trying to learn more about her just doesn't seem beneficial if she clearly doesn't want to text back or hangout anymore… Maybe I'll just avoid talking about things and try to leave her alone (easier said than done…).

    I've been talking to another girl, cute red head, jolly personality, nice body, very fit and works out a lot… but, I'm not really interested in her and she has a 9 month old kid. I don't really like dating women with kids, I don't like the idea of raising someone else's kid and the extra responsibility. But now that I'm getting older it seems like EVERYONE has kids now. *sigh*

    I might just have to bite the bullet and try to cut the first girl off cold turkey until I get over her, then settle for dating someone with kids.  Ugh… Life isn't very fun right now. 🙁

    My Horoscope for the day is scarily accurate-

    “A friend or lover might seem a bit reserved today, leaving you to wonder why there's an emotional gulf between you. However, you're not sure that direct confrontation is a viable strategy for healing now. Instead of sharing your concerns, it feels safer to just put your energy into busy work around the home. Although this tactic is great for productivity, the underlying uneasiness wont go away until it is addressed. Life coach Tony Gaskins said, Communication to a relationship is like oxygen to life. Without it, it dies.”

    #200709

    The Bard
    Participant

    I met two other girls since I posted the above, but things didn't work out. Not a disaster, just not compatible.

    As for the original girl from the first post, we finally went out together again along with one other coworker. Instead of confronting her and talking about feelings and other things that could complicate things, I decided to instead just play it cool and try to have a good time. No awkwardness happened that night.

    The three of us ended up going to the movies to see Black Panther together. Her friend said he saw the movie “Game Night” and suggested we see it, I asked her if she wanted to see it with me and she said yes, this time, just the two of us. The stage is set for some one on one conversation.

    I'll ask her about her Easter Weekend since it sounded like her family and church planned some big events around it, and try to ask her more questions about what's going on in her personal life and her childhood upbringing. Dive deeper into meaningful personal questions. She also told me that she's no longer talking to that other guy I mentioned before and things didn't work out because “He didn't text fast enough”. So she's single again.

    Lol, look at me failing at moving on. 😛

    #200797

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ash:

    Good to read your cheerful update from yesterday. Hope to read from you again.

    anita

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