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Better but guilt is ruminating

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  • December 15, 2016 at 9:21 am #122789
    Loy
    Participant

    I suffered from depression due to a side effect from a prescription. I have had anxiety/panic attacks for years but was able to understand it and block any triggers but for those two weeks that I had depression, it was very hard because I couldn’t understand why I felt this way when I am a happy person with a great family. After those two weeks, I saw my depression not as a curse but a blessing as it helped me open my eyes. I was very materialistic, buying this and that ever since I could remember. I saw happiness by buying stuff for my family and myself. A few years back, I started selling stuff not even mine to fund this obsession. I felt guilty from time to time but not enough for me to stop. When I had my depression, I started feeling guilty about everything I have done in the past. Remember I mentioned I saw it as a blessing and not a curse, it was because it made me realize how my life is turning out to be and how I should change it to be a better person. One that is content, living in the moment and being happy for what God intended to give me. I feel this was my bad/good karma in one. Without the depression, I would never realize what I have been doing with my life. Now, I vow to live a simple life with my family. I am more conscious now on what I do. Funny thing though is that I need to tone down my guilt. Even just putting an item back the way I took it in the grocery store bothers me if I don’t or it will make me feel like a bad person. That I need to learn to control now. I also sometimes feel sad knowing that I cannot have all the things I want but I am learning to get used to living within our means. My goal now is to be debt free and to travel more with my family. That for me is better than material things. I haven’t fully recovered from my depression but I know I am getting better. I thank it for helping me open my eyes. I don’t like it for giving me ruminating negative thoughts but I accept it for now and know that I will get better in time.

    December 15, 2016 at 10:01 am #122796
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamhuman:

    Thank you for sharing your truth. I like your moving away from the materialistic mindset and having the goal of being debt free, living within your means.

    You’d like to feel less guilty, not ruminate, when buying a needed item in the grocery store, if I understood correctly. Some guilt was helpful, but you experience too much guilt, correct? If so, balance will take time and practice, I believe. Share more on the ruminating/ guilt topic, if it is a significant problem for you and you would like more input on it.

    Also, planning- before you go to the grocery store, make a list of what you do need and don’t diverge from it (unless you forgot to include a very basic item, like toilet paper or such).

    anita

    December 15, 2016 at 10:41 am #122800
    Loy
    Participant

    Hi Anita, my ruminating negative thoughts are mostly the fear of having to feel that I am depressed when I’m happy. Funny part is sometimes it wins. There are times I can control it. Yesterday was a great day, I was able to stop it on command. Today, I think its hit or miss. Just afraid that it’s something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life or will I be able to overcome them and find the trigger so I can stop it from ruminating. When I feel fine, I do not have the feeling of guilt or anything else. I like that feeling and wish I could stay that way. I was really great and doing well and had very minor setbacks. For some odd reason, I am having more setbacks than usual but still manageable, I think. I just try to see the good in the bad and hopefully I can recover fully and get my life back. I’m in a better place but I miss my old self. I guess that too is ruminating in my head besides the fact that I hope I don’t give in, give up and just let my depression worsen. I see a lot hope as I was different than I was 3 months ago. The ruminating thoughts are just new to me now. It’s like something new is happening everytime and finding ways for me not to overcome it.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Loy.
    December 15, 2016 at 11:25 am #122805
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamhuman:

    There is a strong relationship between our thoughts and our feelings. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is based on this principle: when a person feels distress, the exercise is to detect the thinking just before the distress, examine the thinking for accuracy, if inaccurate, correct the thinking and the result is relief of distress.

    Could this (first paragraph) be helpful to you in the issue of ruminating?

    You wrote in your last post that you miss your “old self”- the self that was not depressed. Do you mean the old self that “have had anxiety/panic attacks for years” or the self between the anxiety/ panic and the depression..?

    anita

    December 15, 2016 at 11:46 am #122807
    Loy
    Participant

    That thinking has worked for me but not all the time. I may just be impatient and do not like when there are setbacks. The road to recovery is bumpy. Never experienced this before. Living in the moment extremely helps. I just need to practice on mindfulness often.

    I miss myself where I had no depression. The anxiety/panic attacks never occured to me often. I was able to control it and it progrssed to the point it never bothered. I was genuinely happy then. Now, I question my happiness from time to time but there are times I know it is genuine.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Loy.
    December 15, 2016 at 12:11 pm #122809
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamhuman::

    This is my experience as well, that “the road to recovery is bumpy.” Mindfulness, paying attention to what you can perceive with your senses/ whole body (instead of living “in your head,” over thinking and ruminating, is the way to go. Patience is not an option- got to have more and more patience, as much patience as the process requires.

    You mentioned “happiness”- I don’t know what it means: a joyful feelings or peace of mind.. Peace of mind is what I continuously aim at. The things you used to buy used to give you joy, I suppose. But it is a never ending chase, that JOY. This is why I aim at peace of mind, calm. That lasts and you don’t have to chase it.

    anita

    December 15, 2016 at 12:38 pm #122811
    Loy
    Participant

    Thank you for that. Been trying to find put about CBT. Can you explain how that works? I am seeing a therapist and have yet to know how that treatment works. Right now, I am doing self help and it works. I believe I have mile/moderate depression now. I used to have severe depression when I first had it for 2 weeks.

    When I mentioned being myself again is to be without the depression 3 months ago but without being materialistic. I want to not fear depression and understand it completely so I cna move on and be the better version of myself.

    December 15, 2016 at 8:38 pm #122837
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamhuman:

    CBT is based on the principle that distorted/ incorrect thinking causes distress and when we correct our thinking we experience relief from distress. You can google CBT and read about it. Maybe there is an article about it on this website as well. There are books on CBT and since you are into self help, you can get the book that helped me at the time, called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Dummies (if you can stomach the last word). It includes lots of exercises in it, if I remember correctly.

    The therapist I had, the only competent one in my life, gave me a paper after a few sessions with his diagnoses, objectives for treatment and how he intended to achieve those objectives. He was a professional. Your therapist should provide you with something similar.

    As you read more about CBT, maybe get that book, let me know what you think of it, will you?

    anita

    December 16, 2016 at 7:51 am #122865
    Loy
    Participant

    Sure. I will try out the book. I am switching therapist as well bec. I feel mine wasn’t working out.

    I find that letting go helps as the more I struggle and overanalyze it, it makes it ruminate more. Letting go and calling out the thoughts make me feel less distress and doesn’t totally make me feel what I think. In time I’m sure my mind will get used to it and accept it same as how I handled my anxiety attacks before which never really affected my life. This is a new one though so I’m going to have to try to understand it and deal with it. For now, I am taking vitamins which definitely helps with suppressing my depression. When I was taking Zoloft when I had my severe depression, it made it worst for me. Once I weened off of it and took the vitamins, I was able to sleep and function again. Like a switch was turned on. Depression went from severe to mild. Right now, because of the long nights and holidays, I feel it went to mild/moderate even with taking the vitamins. I can still function and get enough sleep so I am satisfied.

    December 16, 2016 at 8:52 am #122871
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamhuman:

    I was on Zoloft for 15 years or so. My life circumstances during that period got worse, not better. I’ve been off any and all psychiatric drugs for over three years.

    Whatever tools worked for you in the past, in regard to your struggle with anxiety, use those tools presently. They may or may not work. Experiment with old and new tools and strategies, see what works at any one time. My therapist talked about having a Tool Box, and picking up a tool at any one time, see if it works. One tool may work today but not tomorrow, so you pick another tool from the box.

    anita

    December 16, 2016 at 9:20 am #122882
    Loy
    Participant

    Anita, the Zoloft made me feel traumatized about my depression that I obsess having depression now. Same as it was with my anxiety before. Just how my mind works. I got over my anxiety though and never really interrupted with my life so I’m sure I can do this with my depression now. At this point, I am really just confused if I am depressed or having episodes of OCD but like I mentioned, I wake up in the morning, cook for my family, exercise, eat healthy and do my work without difficulty which I was never able to do when I had that severe depression and was on antidepressants. I hope my therapist could help me diagnose myself so I can understand it. I’m sure someone, somewhere is experiencing the same confusion I am experiencing right now.

    You are totally right with the different tools. It seems in different days when it doesn’t work, I used a different method and that works. I am now understanding that. Thank you for confirming it.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Loy.
    December 16, 2016 at 9:31 am #122885
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear iamhuman:

    Regarding diagnoses, you may be depressed with features of OCD, for example. If you expect a diagnosis to be depression OR OCD, that will confuse you. If you expect a diagnosis of depression OR anxiety (at any one time), this will also confuse you. The symptoms under these diagnoses mix. The separation of symptoms into distinct diagnoses is done on paper. In reality, the symptoms mix.

    One person can have a certain diagnosis at 15, then another diagnosis at 25 and so on. Symptoms mix and change.

    Does this help?

    anita

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