J.D.,

Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could just brute force a mountain to dust with our intentions? If, through an act of willpower, we could step away from an old way and never look back. Goodness that would be nice. That’s not how it works, unfortunately. Old habits are like stones that we erode slowly over time. As we become more mindful of what is really happening, we peel away layers until we are free. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

There is a story the Buddha told of two arrows. When we cause pain to our body, we have one arrow. Buddha said that immediately a second arrow arises in the mind. It is as though there are two distinct wounds! Said differently, there is the feeling of bloating, which is of the body. Then there are the layers and layers in the mind, which you apply on top of the bloating. All the meaning to it! “I can’t control…” “square one…” “I’m worthless…” “I’m just going to get fatter…” etc etc.

So, what’s the problem? Consider that if we stay with the first arrow, the bloated feeling, we get in tune with our body. We are more alert, because instead of cycling into self-definition and the future and the past, we remain present. The more alert we are to the body, the more mindfulness we have to be genuinely nurturing to it. Its not that a bowl of popcorn isn’t a big deal, its that your eating it means nothing real except the bloat. Everything else is additional mind bloat, a second arrow, and it actually inhibits the erosion of the “binge eating”.

Imagine two scenarios: You eat a bag of popcorn, and feel the bloat. You say to yourself “what does this feel like in my body?” and simply observe. You feel the painfulness in the stomach, the way the breath feels more constrained, the gaseous feeling in the small intestines, the layers of oil in your mouth. Those are enough, plenty and sufficient to motivate the move toward moderation.

In another scenario, you eat the popcorn, feel the bloat, and launch into mind. The mind cycles with all the guilt, regret and shame. It is very distracting! You hardly notice, or spend any time with the feeling. Its there, but the mind distracts you from really feeling it. The mind is actually spinning the energy of the body into stones… building ego chunks as it generates self images from the feelings. Next time you think “popcorn”, the chunks are there, which cloud your mind. Said differently, ego clouds the view of the popcorn as it becomes interwoven with your idea of JD, who shamefully indulges. This chokes out the mindfulness, which is the basis of healthy decisions.

In the absence of the cloudiness, we eat popcorn until the body says enough. Its no struggle. If we get caught in the sense pleasure and indulge, there’s no shame or guilt. Perhaps a little regret arises and we laugh at how we just poked our body in the gut with our mouth, but we apologize to our stomach and it forgives us.

Its funny when we realize we beat ourselves up for nothing. As though we need to thrash ourselves with concepts to get us moving in the right direction. Its silly! The thrashing is the same force of habit which creates the mindlessness that pushes us to indulge. Could we get a round of cycles on the house?

So we step away. We notice the thrashing, and say “yes thrashing” and move back the breath. We notice the bloat and say “yes bloat” and move back to the breath. Mountains into molehills into raft into river into peace. Its only popcorn… you poop it out in a day, but the shame lasts as long as you let it!

With warmth,
Matt