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Bitterness abounds

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  • January 13, 2014 at 7:20 am #49027
    Jen
    Participant

    Good morning all,

    I write today because I feel like a fraud. I think I am on the path of becoming a Buddhist because of the profound change in my life that happened that left me broken into tiny pieces. Looking for a solution for the pain and the hurt, I turned to Buddhism. But even now, I can admit I have not made any progress in practice or understanding Buddhism. I guess I have manipulated the “pragmatic” nature of Buddhism to keeping myself in a state of bitterness, anger, and jealousy. I feel lost, ashamed, alone, and tired of living. No, I am not suicidal. I guess I am just tired of the way I am living. I feel stuck, unable to move on. I no longer have faith in anything except the acceptance of misery and pain in my life. I just need guidance and maybe a little therapy. I believe before I can truely take the path to Biddhism, I need to talk through some things.

    January 13, 2014 at 7:41 am #49029
    Matt
    Participant

    Jen,

    I am sorry for your suffering, and can understand how difficult our issues can appear. What you’re describing is quite normal, and it does not mean you’re a fraud. Rather, when you met a crisis, perhaps you attempted to hide within a philosophy rather than using its lessons to untangle the issues at hand. Again, this is normal, usual and quite often how the dharma first catches our attention.

    These tangles that arise, such as painful feelings, spinny thoughts, unskillful choices… they are part of all of us. Said differently, almost all of us have felt a similar pain to the one you’re experiencing, as the tower crumbles and we are left feeling empty and alone. Don’t despair, dear sister, because there is always a path to joy. Said differently, perhaps your issues seem big and overwhelming, but they are neither permanent, nor unworkable.

    So, what is it that’s troubling you? Your post was full of emotions and reactions tied up in pretty bows (or painful conclusions) but you don’t really talk about what is going on. Consider, dear sister, that nothing you could have done and nothing you are can decrease your worthiness of connecting. What is it that broke you into tiny pieces? It sounds painful!

    Be at peace, dear sister, there are a great number of open hearts around here to help.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    January 13, 2014 at 8:55 am #49033
    Jen
    Participant

    Thanks Matt for your encouraging words. I did not want to say why I was in pieces because I felt I am giving it power to control me if I bring it up again, even though it still is to this day, lol. In hindsight, it seems small and irrelevant once I think about it. I guess I will contiue on my path, one day at a time and let go of the notion I am a fraud for seeking answers and truth.

    January 15, 2014 at 12:14 am #49130
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hey Jen,

    From my experience, being unable to even talk about something for fear of being judged that it happened a while ago or is too small to be important only hinders answers. I encourage you to be open when you are ready. Unfortunately shaming yourself into healing doesn’t work. I like the quote that says you can’t solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it. When you are open, you allow others with different experiences or different thought patterns help you make distinctions that you might not see from your point of view at the moment. It’s hard to think with clarity when you are in the moment or too close to it.

    Perhaps some of Brene Brown’s readings might resonate with you.

    Good luck on your journey and with whatever you choose. Just remember that are not alone.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 9 months ago by Kinny.
    January 15, 2014 at 6:37 am #49143
    Matt
    Participant

    Jen,

    In addition to Kinny’s words, consider that perhaps you’re already giving it power with all of the fear that’s connected to it. That being said, I respect your privacy, and hope you find conclusivness and peace.

    With warmth,
    Matt

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