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Kinny

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  • #51598
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hello,

    I do not have that much time to write, but I wanted to say that I could relate.

    I agree with Matt that you are not out of line at all, it just seems like a natural reaction when you are hurt and not ready to try again. From my experience it gets easier, but not when I was trying to force it.

    Got to run…but good luck. You are not alone.

    #49459
    Kinny
    Participant

    Nadia,

    I have a couple suggestions which I hope you find helpful.

    First, try Metta meditation. I started it recently since someone mentioned it on here and it’s very self nourishing. I like Sharon Salzberg’s one on youtube.

    Also, I also recommend Al Anon. It’s a free support group for those who have alcoholics in their lives, but honestly anyone with a dysfunctional upbringing could probably relate. It’s a gentle healing program.

    For some people, the book Loving What Is is helpful for seeing things more honestly.

    Lastly, be your own judge. The more you *know* that you have solid reasons for believing that you are kind and smart, the easier it is to believe it. In every situation, ask yourself what an admirable person would do and then do that. You’ll be so proud of who you are that you will have no room in your mind for thoughts which are so easily disputable! The way to get self esteem is to do esteemable acts.

    Bon Courage!

    #49130
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hey Jen,

    From my experience, being unable to even talk about something for fear of being judged that it happened a while ago or is too small to be important only hinders answers. I encourage you to be open when you are ready. Unfortunately shaming yourself into healing doesn’t work. I like the quote that says you can’t solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it. When you are open, you allow others with different experiences or different thought patterns help you make distinctions that you might not see from your point of view at the moment. It’s hard to think with clarity when you are in the moment or too close to it.

    Perhaps some of Brene Brown’s readings might resonate with you.

    Good luck on your journey and with whatever you choose. Just remember that are not alone.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by Kinny.
    #48386
    Kinny
    Participant

    i got a lot out of weight watchers. It helped me learn habits on how to manage my thoughts and feelings. I also got a lot out of the Beck Diet solution as it works more with cognitive therapy than telling you what to specifically eat. It takes a long time to form habits and it takes a long time to change them. I like the saying that if you focus on results, nothing changes; but if you focus on changes, then you see results.

    Good Luck!

    #48347
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hey Kay,

    I’m glad that that resonated with you. Narcissism and codependency go hand in hand. It sounds as though your parents have some narcissism traits as well. I just want to clarify that labels in and of themselves don’t help, but having a better understanding of what you are working with does.

    So how are you? Are you still sleeping in your car?

    I loved how Lyla put it so succintly. I’m not really sure how you went through all that and have no blame or self pity. How do you manage your emotions and thoughts so objectively??

    I’m not sure if you are looking for specific advice about your current situation or stories from people who have been through the same thing or just someone to listen.

    A few other things came to mind when I read what you wrote. You said that you wanted to die. If you are like most people, it’s not that you want to die, it’s that you want the pain to end. It will. Keep holding on.

    You also mention that you felt worthless, but that’s just based on how the people around you treated you. A baby can shit on a $100 bill, and that doesn’t mean the money is worthless. It just means the baby doesn’t know the worth.

    Lastly, I just wanted to suggest since you are working so many jobs to consider something like overnight hotel jobs. When I was younger I found a small bed and breakfast that would let me sleep on the cot until a guest came in. While I was putting myself through school I was able to work late shifts that were quiet and was able to have some time to myself and do homework while I was on the job.

    I hope you keep posting.

    #48212
    Kinny
    Participant

    Kay,

    I found a quote which I gleaned a lot from which said something aloing the lines of a great childhood doesn’t prepare you for real life. You, my friend, are being groomed to be able to handle anything. It’s a leg up because some people wouldn’t even get as far as you have without taking a downward spiral. You’ve got moxie girl!!! What I’ve taken from my experiences is that when I have kids, I would rather give them excellent coping mechanisms and resiliency habits rather than a perfect childhood. Life is full of curveballs and detours. People who can navigate them without taking it personally or losing their faith have a great advantage. Sometimes In real life people let you down, use you and things don’t go your way even though you did your best. You are just being taught the AP class at an age when most people are just getting the Intro Course.

    It sounds like it’s in your best interest to not rely on your parents for anything. If you do, even for something small it will probably only end in you being let down or alternatively used against you with strings attached. So if you need to take a taxi to the doctor or gynocologist, just take it. If you can scrap the car yourself, do it. By the time you are twenty three, you can apply to college without your parent’s tax information and there are a ton of ways to build skills or save up until then.

    If you can just accept this absense of emotional and monetary help, then you are ahead of the game. Bitterness about how unfair or rough it is is a waste of energy. Focus all of your energy on productive things. (Not that you whined or blamed them at all in your description, but if you are as human as I was I imagine it’s a normal feeling to have. I just want to encourage you to not go there. It’s a huge shortcut if you can avoid it!! If you feel bitterness, then that’s normal but it will set you back.) I read something recently that said that forgiveness is not a gavel that pronounces someone innocent but a pair of scissors that cuts the bond of pain and hate. I hope you approach the idea of your parents with a sense of peaceful detachment. Since you are 18 you do not need them in order to make things happen. Focus on using your time wisely. Immerse yourself in all things positive.

    Some other things which resonated with me are how your mother used you as a confidant at a young age. Parents ideally are emotionally mature and stable, but it sounds as if you had to revolve around her to have a semblance of peace. I would consider reading up on codependency. Melody Beattie and Pia Mellody have some great books. Basically your mother put her needs ahead of your own and you had to fend for yourself in everyway possible. It’s twisted. Kids need guidance and shouldn’t be depended on or played as pawns. You shouldn’t have to support them or pay for things for them. You’ve probably developed a lot of coping mechanisms that you needed in order to get by at home, but probably don’t help in all areas of life. I hope it’s as eye opening for you as it was for me.

    You can find people who will love you and support you and not make unfounded attacks. You didn’t deserve to be verbally abused and neglected or used, but regardless you can create your own stability and peace.

    Concerning everything being your fault and everything you’ve done wrong, you are waaaaaaay too hard on yourself. Yes, it’s good to take personal responsibility….but eveyone is trying the best that they can with what they understand and are capable of at the time. You were not born with the wisdom and experience of an adult and yet you are thrown into situations. Hell, no one is born wise but some people are lucky enough to have paren’ts to guide them. You are trying your best as a kid and without support or guidance. No wonder! Things just aren’t working out in your favor yet. There is nothing “wrong” with you. You are in a challenging situation and you don’t have a good support system…that’s all. *Breathe* You can learn skills to overcome challenging situations an you can grow a supoort system. You sound just as lost as I was at eighteen. Don’t lose hope. There is a lot more I could say, but I’ll leave you with that for now.

    Go ahead and leave me an email.

    Also, I’ve gotten a lot from meditation. I like Sharon Salzberg’s Metta mediation on youtube.

    Keep posting.

    #48202
    Kinny
    Participant

    Kay,

    First of all, my heart goes. I’ve had a very similar journey and can relate to having a weary soul when so many things don’t go your way. Unfortunately I don’t have much time to write at the moment, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am in my thirties now and I moved out when I was seventeen with similar road blocks and it’s been bumpy. Don’t lose heart. You aren’t the first or the only one to go through this kind of thing.

    The best thing I can suggest is to go to Al Anon. It’s a free resource for people who are closely knit to people with alcohol addictions, but honestly it can apply to anyone who deals directly with people who are have neglecting and/or abusive relationships. Unfortunately when someone has severe depression, it can really do a number on the rest of the family. It’s helped me immensely with situations that felt hopeless.

    I hope you post more, but I have to run. I would be happy to exchange emails if you really need someone to talk to.

    #47944
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hey Zena,

    I just want to clarify that I wasn’t labeling you as dumb and him as bad. I just used those as common conclusions when something doesn’t make sense. I’m glad that you still see potential in him. For me, forgiveness has come to mean a lot of things. It’s accepting that the past cannot be different, that people are people with weaknesses/limited understanding/limited capabilites, and that people have potential as human beings even if they aren’t healthy to have in my life.

    An exercise I used was to wake up each day and pretend I have amnesia and ask myself what I would be doing if my past didn’t matter. (Because it doesn’t. ) If today had all my givens (i.e. single, with a child, etc), and my objective was to make as much progress each day as possible, what would I be doing with my time? What would I be thinking about? Who wouldn’t you be thinking about?

    As time passes, things start to make sense but for me it didn’t happen when I was tring to force it. Developing the skill of moving on even if you don’t have answers without villanizing yourself or him is a wonderful skill to have in life.

    Wow! That is crazy that he did this before and you just found out two months ago! You just never know how things are going to unfold. Think of all that wasted energy on blaming yourself when you didn’t even have all the facts. Again, we all have limited understanding. Keep being gentle.

    Good luck!

    #47894
    Kinny
    Participant

    Kristian,

    Wow. You are pretty brave to be so honest! Kudos to you for putting all that vulnerability out there!

    There is a Dr. Suess quote that says people who judge don’t matter and people who matter don’t judge. I’ve experienced a lot of overly critical and judgemental people in my life, but I’ve been fortunate enough to find a lot of accepting and understanding people too. You sound like you aren’t accustomed to kind people, and that makes me sad to hear how much anguish you feel over relatively unimportant facts about you. 🙁 There is nothing new under the sun or in anything that you wrote. Frankly I’m puzzled by your self loathing. There is nothing in your post that makes you sound unloveable. So maybe you have some less than stellar coping mechanisms…that doesn’t make you a “bad” person. There are lots of people who are into kinky things and smoke who bring light into the world. Doing drugs can seriously alter your core self and doesn’t neccesarily bring out the thoughtful and considerate side of people, but lots of people have mood swings who make people smile.

    If your girlfriend weighed 30lbs more, would you think that she was a dispicable person? What if she weighed 50lbs more? Then should she be hidden from the world? What about 100lbs? Should she be put in jail for that!?! I’m sure she has qualities that make you light up, and seeing her handle her issues with food would be sad to watch, but that doesn’t detract from what she has to offer. Most people who have addiction issues have reasons for it, so be gentle with yourself. You are just in the process of finding things that work and learning how to let go of things that don’t. Both processes take time.

    About your sexuality, honestly, as long as it’s between consenting adults I highly doubt anyone would really judge. So what? Some people are into cartoons, that’s why there’s a niche for it. Someone created it becasue they thought it would be appealing, people watch it becasue it appeals to them, and there are sites for it because there is a demand for it. Clearly you aren’t the first or only person to be into that. Would you be less weird if you were a 40 year old soccor mom who was into it? I mean, really, what would make you think it’s weird that you are into it and not someone else? it doesn’t really what age you are and what gender you are, different things appeal to people and no one can be put in a box. Sex has a billion facets and dynamics to be explored that make people curious. Aside from things that are non consensual like rape or child molestation, there is really nothing to feel guilty about.

    Some people arent going to be open and understanding, but you can’t take that personally. Some people don’t have the same life experiences to relate to the pain that drove you to addcitions. Some people don’t have a life that warrants finding distractions and peace at any price. Don’t worry about them. Life usually has a way of leveling people, but that’s not your concern. Their path is not yours. There is no way for someone from the outside to be able to judge fairly and accurately where you should be in life, so don’t put so much value in what strangers think. Hell! Don’t even listen to me if my facts aren’t straight and my reasoning isn’t solid. Unreasonable people are unreasonable. Don’t sweat it.

    I am going to suggest a few things in hopes that something seems to strike a chord.

    1.First of all, are you familiar with post secret? Just check out the books or the website. You are not alone. People are people and we are all just trying the best we can at any given point in time.

    2.Secondly, are you familiar with NA or AA? It’s free and it helps people with addictions. I know lots of self loathing people who have turned their lives around and have learned how to like themselves and find peace. I would highly recommend it. It’s a gentle healing program, and all you gotta do is show up.

    3. Try Sharon Salzberg’s Metta Meditation on Youtube. I found it easier and more enjoyable than other meditations.

    4. You get self esteem by doing esteemable acts. So do things that you think an admirable person would do. You don’t have to stop smoking cold turkey to help ease the pain of another or go out of your way for someone. Start small and one day you’ll be proud of the kind person you are becasue you will be proud of your character. it won’t matter what unrasonable people think because you will know that you are a kind soul and you are worthy of love.

    5. Are you familiar with Brene Brown? She has a couple books that I think will resonate with you a lot. She also has some youtube clips and a Ted Talk on youtube if that’s easier.

    I hope nothing but good things for you and I hope you keep posting!

    #47866
    Kinny
    Participant

    You’re welcome. 🙂 I’m happy it resonated with you.

    #47862
    Kinny
    Participant

    One is EFT for anger about betrayal and unfairness by eftcoach.

    The second is Metta Meditation by Sharon Salzberg.

    #47861
    Kinny
    Participant

    Zena,

    I’m not sure where to start. I’m afraid that this might come off trite or off the mark, but I’m going to try anyway since no else else has responded. First of all, my heart goes out to you.

    Concerning “letting this happen” it’s hard to tell at any given point what the “right” thing to do is. Perhaps other people might have seen things coming, but usually people who can recognize the signs earlier and sort their insecurities from red flags have their own previous bad choices to thank for a keen inutition. So be gentle with yourself, you were lucky that you didn’t have experiences that makes you leery of close relationships. Sometimes people stay that same, sometimes they change drastically, and sometimes we just think they are one way and don’t have the opportunity until certain circumstances arise to realize what they really are. People are people and the only thing that is garaunteed beyond a shadow of a doubt is you and faith in something if you believe in a Connection. Utlilize this experience to find distinctions and lessons that resonate, not ones that make you out to be “dumb” or him out to be “bad.” Answers like that are usually over simplified, unproductive as well as inaccurate.

    For myself, when I’m in the thick of it and cannot make sense of anything I thought was truth, it helps to not try so hard to figure it out or berate myself. Instead of feeling guilty, ashamed or duped by what happened, spend every living second finding new coping mechanisms. Wild cards and curve balls are garanteed in life, so since that is unavoidable all you can do is learn what makes you feel stronger, lighter and more positive. Don’t spend any time asking “why?” and “what if?” Focus on How can you get from point A to point B and maybe in time the gentle truths will make themselves apparent. When I was in a similar situation, I could only see my situation through the lense of blame and self pity and it was quicksand. Staying productive and not focusing on figuring people out proved to be a better coping mechanism than trying to understand orthe innerworkings and motivations of someone else or agonizing over things you didn’t know at the time. Now I have clarity on people I felt sucker punched by, but it didn’t come until a good three years after the fact. Commit to being gentle and kind with yourself even when you don’t understand the reasons yet. If beating yourself up was a good way to rise to the top, I’m sure we would all be as rich as Oprah. Unfortunately you can’t shame yourself into healing or getting over things. Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know and what they are capable of at any given point in time.

    Some thing to consider, even if you do not want to write about it here. Why did he walk out? Was it a character flaw or a situational stress driven choice? Either way that kind of coping mechanism is hard to deal with. You were brave to try again.

    Do you think he had a point concerning moving to another country? I don’t know if he left any forwarding information for your daughter or made contact, but if he has any valid points, recognize them for what they are. Perhaps he up and left and it didn’t seem like it mattered one way or another where you were; or perhaps he’s grasping at straws to villanize you. Either way, self honesty can free up a lot of guilt or can help you logically let go of unfounded attacks.

    Concerning staying over, I think it’s good that you made a distinction that he can make arranged visits without staying over.

    Lastly, you mentioned that he had a drug problem, had his head in the sand and disappeared from her life. Perhaps he’s self loathing or overwhelmed, but either way he sounds like he has some avoidance issues. I’ve gotten a lot from going to Al Anon. It’s s free program that is for people who have alcoholics in their life, but It’s applicable to anyone who is close to anyone who is unpredictable, unreasonable and irresponsibile. It helped me a lot with my realtionships with people I couldn’t just cut off.

    I’m also going to suggust two youtube videos I gleaned a lot from, I just need to look them up.

    Bon Courage

    #47840
    Kinny
    Participant

    Why does he have pics of her so readily available? How long ago did they date? How do you know about the messages? Most importantly…why is he mentioning her so much???

    It sounds like they have unfinished business if she is trying to find out info about you, she is contacting him, he is tempted to reply and has old pictures of her around, and he talks about her so much. Your female intution sounds dead on from what you are describing. As long as your facts are honest, it sounds like your gut is telling your something is off and for good reason. Even someone without your past would be left doubting. It seems wise to set some reasonable boundaries and expectations if he wants to be exclusive with you.

    Your jealousy and desire to take revenge is understandable, but I’m guessing that since you are on this kind of forum that you get that there is a productive way to handle uncomfortable feelings.

    Good luck.

    #47790
    Kinny
    Participant

    Look at it from a couple different perspectives.

    If you were at the end of your life and looked back at going to the fundraiser, would you be fond of that memory? If you were at the end of your life and looked back and didn’t go, would that be a big regret?

    Now look back and picture going to Berlin. Would you be fond of that memory? If you didn’t go, would that be a big regret?

    I can appreciate that you value keeping your word, but at the end of the day you are a volunteer. Volunteering at the expense of becoming resentful doesn’t seem like the right thing. Perhaps I’m not clear on what your commitment was or something else in the coordinator’s perspective, but from what you describe it sounds like you are feeling guilt tripped.

    In my experience, if I am too altruistic I become resentful and depleted; when I am too self-serving I get stagnant and lose perspective. Neither is inherently good or bad, but it is a matter of balance and motive which can determine if it is positive or not.

    Good luck on making a choice that sits well with you.

    #47744
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hi Priscilla,

    Wow! It’s not gushy, I’m just happy that what I said made sense, was helpful and not too winded. 😉 Part of what I wrote for myself when I wrote a story concerning my challenges as a protagonist was that I was willing to go through anything if I thought it would help me become a wiser parent and secondly, to be there for a stranger who had no one else to talk to. I’m a thinker and feeler, as well as a reader and a writer. Feel free to write as much as you like, it’s your thread and I enjoy a good idea exchange. 🙂

    I’m not a fan of telling my own story in someone else’s thread, but I’m honest about most things if I think it would help someone. I could relate to the sentiments you wrote and I wrote about it recently on here. Long story short, I had a year of curve balls and I got very worn down emotionally and hard to be around. I just couldn’t handle one more kick in the teeth, and then my father died. I spent the last year of his life spewing bitter and resentful rants since I didn’t have many people I could trust in my life and I needed validation from someone. I greived alone as most people gave up on me and didn’t know about the death by the time it happened. I was catatonic and raw for a long time. Some days I beat myself up for not being stronger sooner , wiser quicker and healing faster…but that’s life. Unfortunately shaming yourself into healing faster simply doesn’t work. Since then my goal has become to make sure that my coping skills are so strong that I won’t miss a beat even if I’m left at the alter. What I wrote to you is what I’ve gleaned from my analysis of my own faulty thinking. I am touched that what I said struck a chord and I sincerely hope it provides you with shortcuts to healing.

    Concerning fixating on the past, a book I gleaned a lot from was Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon. Sometimes the past is helpful, but in my experience, understanding things doesn’t change anything. Much like how I could have an eating disorder, I could analyze my father and my mother or how I played with too many Barbies as a kid. While I’m still trying to figure that out, if I’m still binging on snickers until I see the exact reason, I could analyze for years and never know exactly why! One quote I like is that the past is never a waste of time if the experience is used wisely.

    I’ve also enjoyed Brene Brown’s books recently, perhaps you would like them as well. She also has a Ted Talk if you like that sort of thing.

    I’ll close with a May West quote and a personal mantra, “You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough.”
    Cheers to finding peace and feeling lighter sooner!

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