Home→Forums→Tough Times→I always feel like a bad person.
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December 29, 2013 at 6:52 pm #47834KristianParticipant
I have many bad habits, and all of them create guilt for me. Before I talk about them, I should probably give some background information first.
I’m a 19 year old with Aspergers Syndrome, and General Anxiety Disorder. I’m also, at times, very depressed. I wouldn’t say I have depression that is severe, as most of my problems stem from worry rather than feeling empty. I feel the opposite of empty. I feel overwhelmed, to a very high degree…
1. I smoke.
I started smoking less than a year ago. I think the worst part about it is, I don’t even know why. It bothers me, my family, and most heart crushingly of all, my girlfriend, who I consider to be my rock. More and more, I’m worrying about my health, and feeling regret as I can’t seem to stop, even though I want to. It’s ridiculous, the money that could have gone onto my hobbies, and the things I enjoy, have gone to cigarettes. Why on earth am I doing that to myself?
2. I’ve used substances
I’m not going to say whether or not I do now, for the reasons of self protection, but I have used some ridiculously damaging things. Ecstacy, Ritalin, Speed, Codeine, Tramadol, Valium, Caffeine Pills, Marijuana… All of these things have messed with my brain chemistry, big time. And I hope they haven’t caused irreversible damage. As a result, I feel tired all of the time, I have moodswings, inside, it’s destroying me. The fact I did those things really make me feel like I’m horrible – worst of all, I feel like an embarrassment to my parents, and my family. They would be heartbroken if they found out, but it seems as if I’m always searching for a way to make myself feel good, to escape from reality and improve myself, to help myself concentrate… But they don’t work.
3. I feel ashamed of my sexuality
I realise this is a family friendly site, so I’m not going to go into detail here. But I will say although my preferences harm nobody, they still seem very strange to me, and would probably seem strange to everybody else too. As a result, I see myself as perverted and disgusting. I’ve discussed all of these things with my girlfriend, and she tells me not to be ashamed of myself, and that “everybody is different” in “that department.”
The guilt and the shame I feel over these things make it very difficult for me to have any self esteem or worth at all. I feel as if I’m creepy, even though none of my behaviour is considered to be by others. What sort of 19 year old is attracted to anime and cartoon characters?All of these things are hurting me on the inside. I feel like a scumbag, and at times, like I don’t even deserve to live. I used to cut quite frequently in order to deal with the guilt. I relapse, sometimes, but I don’t feel as if anything works anymore. Worst of all, I feel like I can never forgive myself for all of these things. I am a bad person, and I’ll never be a good one. Everybody I know seems to like me, seems to support me, seems to love me, and it makes me feel sick because I don’t deserve such respect. So as a result, I always try to sabotage my own happiness.
This is driving me insane and I want my life back on track and now. I’ve quit using substances, and as for smoking, I hope to give that up in the new year. But no matter what, it will always be there, in the back of my mind – I can never go back. Ever.
If you read this, and judge me, I understand. Just don’t say anything too hurtful to me. I hurt myself enough as it is.
December 29, 2013 at 9:27 pm #47894KinnyParticipantKristian,
Wow. You are pretty brave to be so honest! Kudos to you for putting all that vulnerability out there!
There is a Dr. Suess quote that says people who judge don’t matter and people who matter don’t judge. I’ve experienced a lot of overly critical and judgemental people in my life, but I’ve been fortunate enough to find a lot of accepting and understanding people too. You sound like you aren’t accustomed to kind people, and that makes me sad to hear how much anguish you feel over relatively unimportant facts about you. 🙁 There is nothing new under the sun or in anything that you wrote. Frankly I’m puzzled by your self loathing. There is nothing in your post that makes you sound unloveable. So maybe you have some less than stellar coping mechanisms…that doesn’t make you a “bad” person. There are lots of people who are into kinky things and smoke who bring light into the world. Doing drugs can seriously alter your core self and doesn’t neccesarily bring out the thoughtful and considerate side of people, but lots of people have mood swings who make people smile.
If your girlfriend weighed 30lbs more, would you think that she was a dispicable person? What if she weighed 50lbs more? Then should she be hidden from the world? What about 100lbs? Should she be put in jail for that!?! I’m sure she has qualities that make you light up, and seeing her handle her issues with food would be sad to watch, but that doesn’t detract from what she has to offer. Most people who have addiction issues have reasons for it, so be gentle with yourself. You are just in the process of finding things that work and learning how to let go of things that don’t. Both processes take time.
About your sexuality, honestly, as long as it’s between consenting adults I highly doubt anyone would really judge. So what? Some people are into cartoons, that’s why there’s a niche for it. Someone created it becasue they thought it would be appealing, people watch it becasue it appeals to them, and there are sites for it because there is a demand for it. Clearly you aren’t the first or only person to be into that. Would you be less weird if you were a 40 year old soccor mom who was into it? I mean, really, what would make you think it’s weird that you are into it and not someone else? it doesn’t really what age you are and what gender you are, different things appeal to people and no one can be put in a box. Sex has a billion facets and dynamics to be explored that make people curious. Aside from things that are non consensual like rape or child molestation, there is really nothing to feel guilty about.
Some people arent going to be open and understanding, but you can’t take that personally. Some people don’t have the same life experiences to relate to the pain that drove you to addcitions. Some people don’t have a life that warrants finding distractions and peace at any price. Don’t worry about them. Life usually has a way of leveling people, but that’s not your concern. Their path is not yours. There is no way for someone from the outside to be able to judge fairly and accurately where you should be in life, so don’t put so much value in what strangers think. Hell! Don’t even listen to me if my facts aren’t straight and my reasoning isn’t solid. Unreasonable people are unreasonable. Don’t sweat it.
I am going to suggest a few things in hopes that something seems to strike a chord.
1.First of all, are you familiar with post secret? Just check out the books or the website. You are not alone. People are people and we are all just trying the best we can at any given point in time.
2.Secondly, are you familiar with NA or AA? It’s free and it helps people with addictions. I know lots of self loathing people who have turned their lives around and have learned how to like themselves and find peace. I would highly recommend it. It’s a gentle healing program, and all you gotta do is show up.
3. Try Sharon Salzberg’s Metta Meditation on Youtube. I found it easier and more enjoyable than other meditations.
4. You get self esteem by doing esteemable acts. So do things that you think an admirable person would do. You don’t have to stop smoking cold turkey to help ease the pain of another or go out of your way for someone. Start small and one day you’ll be proud of the kind person you are becasue you will be proud of your character. it won’t matter what unrasonable people think because you will know that you are a kind soul and you are worthy of love.
5. Are you familiar with Brene Brown? She has a couple books that I think will resonate with you a lot. She also has some youtube clips and a Ted Talk on youtube if that’s easier.
I hope nothing but good things for you and I hope you keep posting!
December 29, 2013 at 10:47 pm #47921MarkParticipantKristian,
Good for you for being courageous enough to share this with us.
I can go on about how it is counter productive to judge yourself but somehow I double that it will help you in the long run.
You are reaching out, crying out for help. You want to change and you want to keep the changes you have already done.You already been given many other great resources and I highly recommend Bryon Katie’s “The Work” for I think that process is directly applicable and is a very concrete way of dealing with your situation.
http://www.thework.com/downloads/worksheets/instructions_for_thework.pdfStart from there. Do the exercise and let us know how you are doing.
By the way, I see your substance abuse and smoking as ways of self medicating your disorders. I applaude you for being able to stop that by yourself. I think that takes tremendous courage and strength to do that on your own.
Metta,
MarkJanuary 3, 2014 at 10:18 am #48268Lyla McLeanParticipantHi Kristian,
One of the most important things I’ve learned as someone who lives with mental illness is that often it’s the illness that’s ” Talking ” and saying negative things about me. it’s hard to have positive thoughts when you are depressed but, if you can remember not to believe everything that you’re thinking, it will go better for you. If you have love and support believe what those people feel and say about you. Believe your girlfriend. You may need to go back to your doctor for an honest talk. it could be that you need a change of medication. Mine has been changed over and over. Best of luck and let us know how you are getting on.
Hugs, Lyla
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